Thoughts on Northwestern

Note: I know it has been ages since I last posted something online on here and on my blog on Blogger but I should explain what happened. I would have written more about my life story continuing from Disney in 2005 but I got hit with a writer’s block and as such felt restricted on what to write and to some of the details that happened since a lot happened down there for me that pretty much changed me into who I am today. The other thing that seemed to affect my blogging is my job. I work full-time and during my 2 days off, I try to do other things and as such have let my creativity take a break. So today was strange in that I had this strange urge to write down my thoughts and keep them alive throughout the day. I would have actually vlog’ed it but my phone did not have a good enough charge and as such I felt words would be best. So with this post, I am committing to trying once in awhile write down some thoughts when I can, work on my life story thus far, and also maybe even work on my art so that I can have more things coming from here and showing up out there in the cyber world. Now on with the rest of the blog

As a child, I have always heard about how I will be successful in whatever I decide to do. Family, teachers, and even strangers that have seen me grow up would say how I was very kind, courteous, and smart. So when I heard about Northwestern University at a young age, I thought that would be cool since it was a great school. Some of my dad’s family went there and went on to do great things and as such so would I. I kept that dream within myself for a long time until high school came along in which I had to change the dream from this school that I had a strong desire to go to towards the best in-state school (U of I) so that the scholarship my dad got for me and the US Department of Veterans’ Affairs would help pay for most of the costs while family dealt with the rest. This was in early 1999 before I ever took the ACT.

I had a small chance to see Northwestern one time in 2002 when a member of my frat and I went up to check out a ritual out there. It was a great time and I got to see the snow fall on the campus. I never really got the chance to really walk around but it was nice to be a bit close to the actual campus. From then on, my life changed in which I failed from U of I, went to Triton, and after all of the trials and tribulations I graduated in 2009.

So today, I was supposed to hang out with a friend but since he was feeling under the weather, we had to break plans. Originally, I was thinking of going to Gurnee Mills or the Outlet Mall in Huntley since I didn’t feel like going home. After some driving along I-294 North (since I was thinking of doing Gurnee Mills and then leaving like around 330 or so to head home), I changed my mind and instead headed to a few places that I have never really gone to. First I went to Nickel City which is Capcom’s arcade place (didn’t care for it too much here) and played a few games. After 40 min or so, I left there and decided to head over to the trains since I was still out exploring. I ended up driving my car to Skokie and took the Yellow Line train to Howard and then ended up taking the Purple Line to one of the stations that would put me close to Northwestern University campus since it’s a train I rarely take and felt like checking things out.

Once I got to the campus, I began to walk around and see some of the buildings from the outside and I was really impressed with how everything looked. From walking through this campus and seeing some of the dorms, the technology building, and a few others (didn’t go inside since I thought I would stick out since I had the look of a tourist on my face) I felt a sense of joy from the inner child in me for seeing the campus.

It was on the walk and train ride back to Howard St station (and add in the ride on the Red Line to 95th St and back) that I began to ponder. I began to think as to how things would have been if I was able to go to Northwestern. I had the big question of “how will my life be different from how it is now” and while that is fun to think of from time to time, I am where I am today from all that has happened. I know that if that path happened, I would be very different and have a different set of experiences which would lead to a different Tony.

Still, I felt good in being there at least to please my inner child for a few brief moments. Who knows what the future will hold for me since I could be returning there in the future if my child does decide to go there or if I go for a different degree. I know I just have to let my life continue on the path I am now and strive for success in my life.

Hey there. You seem to work crazy hours. If you knew you were going to have a whole day off in say a week, what would you plan to do for the day?

If I had a day off, I would probably spend part of the day going out for a run, doing some errands, and hanging out with friends (if plans were made with them). If I didn't plan anything with friends, then I would stay home and clean or play video games. Did you want to do something???

Ask me anything that you want to know from the clean to the dirty.

What a Bad Blogger I Am, But I Have a Reason

I have to say that I haven't been the best blogger here as of late. I can give you a reason why and that is that I got my hours severely cut thanks to my boss saying that I suck at selling, which I have felt is something I know I am good at here. Mind you that that was part of the hidden meaning to his review that he gave me. The other things that he said was the following:

* I have been trained as far as I can go within the company and as such he feels that I am not management material.

* I should look for something else in the management field in a different store and he will only say great things about me (In other words, get out so I can have my new team in the store and have the weaklings out which is bullshit).

* Because of an incident that happened on New Year's Day and a stupid lady complaining saying that I laughed at her after she got soap in her eyes (which was not true), my boss said that I can't move up in the manager ranks for 3 years at least until this fades since I was listed as a manager (another statement of bullshit).

So I have been working nothing but weekends here if I'm lucky and some weeknight shifts but I have only been getting like 0-8 hours a week if I'm lucky here. I am tired of that crap and have been actively searching for something but I have had no luck here. I thought I was going to have a shot with the Allstate job, yet it's been a bit over 2 weeks and I have not heard anything. So I am feeling pissed off that I have not gotten anything saying that I am moving into the next stage of the process or that rejection.

So with all of that happening to me, I have been very depressed and have not really left home for much at all here since January. What also didn't help was that somehow I ended up getting syphilis here and that caused me to shut in even more. Granted that I took care of it and feel a lot better physically but mentally and emotionally, I'm down yet I am starting to see a bit of light here.

I have recently gotten a new job which gave me a new sense of drive and hope. While it's only going til the end of March, it's something that can give me some experience here and at the same time keep me focused with my free time that I have at home. At the same time, I have a few new interviews that are starting up for me that seem to be giving me some extra drive as well. Have had an interview for management position at Harley-Davidson shop inside O'Hare Airport (would suck with working holidays but I can live with that for most part) and at a bank near my house for teller position. So things are starting to look up for me. Just have to keep my hope alive and I know that I will get somewhere someday.

I'll try to post up a new blog entry on my life story thus far soon but for now I hope that this will do for you all. Take care and catch you soon. :-)

Tony

2009 Year-In-Review & Hopes For 2010

So I should have done this last night but I was lazy and forgot to do it so here. I feel that I should do it now while I have the chance and fill in on these two parts as one big entry here. With that said, on with the show.

So I have to say that 2009 was filled with some good n bad times here for me. It felt though more bad times but somehow through all of that, I have made it to the end and realized that if I can survive that, I know I will stand and accept what 2010 has to offer. In order to talk about 2010, I need to reflect on both the good n bad of 2009.

The first I can say that I was most grateful for was the fact that I finished school here. As you have seen from my blog entries that it has taken me 8 years of going to different schools, failing, a semester break for Disney, and even going part-time for a year and half cost me a lot here but in the end I am grateful to have my degree. I have to say that I shed my tears after seeing that diploma case in my hands and able to say that I did it.

Another good thing about this year that I can say is Bath & Body Works, my current place of employment. They took me in September 2008 after I left KB Toys. They helped me out in giving me hours and giving me a good pay rate. While I left for a month to work at Petco, when I decided to leave there and return back to my store they took me in and welcomed me back into the fold. I even had the chance of this holiday season being a seasonal manager. It was a great time for me and it helped me remember why I enjoy the store and how to be a good team leader that I know I can be here.

While I had a few good times, 2009 gave me many woes and pains. The first of which is Aaron. I won't go into details about that but I know he hurt me twice and while I have come to terms of forgiving him fully for all and even forgiving myself since I may have caused the damage as well. In the end I know that in order for the new year to go right, I need to leave him in 2009 and not look back. Need to move forward on with my life.

The second thing I guess I can say in which 2009 gave me woes was with Petco. Again, I will refrain from many details but I felt like crap when working there. I saw no warmth from the manager. The only people who truly made me feel welcomed were the associates. Beyond that, none of the managers or even the training manager made feel like I was truly part of the store. To Liz, Jessica, n Nicole of Bloomingdale Petco, I have just a few choice words to say: you need to have better interpersonal skills with new people and fuck you bitches since you all had poles shoved up your asses that you need to pull out.

I guess the third and final bad thing about 2009 was the fact that after graduating I was not able to find a job in my field. As much as I tried, I had no luck in getting a job in my field. So I had to stay in retail which is fine but I feel that retail has served its purpose. I need to move from here and go forth into new ventures.

With that last thought on 2009, I need to think of 2010. I have made a few ideas on what I want to do and as such I need to be a firm believer that I can achieve these goals with no problems whatsoever. Firstly, I hope that 2010 will bring me a full-time job somewhere. While, something says Bath & Body Works as a manager is going to happen, I would really like something that I can use my degree. Don't get me wrong, if BBW gives me something I will take it but I would prefer my field.

The second goal for 2010 is that I plan to get some of my bills paid off. I have been in debt for far too long. It is time for me to dig myself out of my hole and get myself back on solid ground. That way I can be somewhat out of there and be able to say that I made a major dent in my $10,000 debt that I have here.

The third thing that I want to do in 2010 is to move out of my house and get a place of my own. I know it sounds bad but I know that in order to truly be myself and have a serious boyfriend, I need to have my own place. I can't keep lying to my family about where I'm going or what I'm doing here. I know that with my own place, I can come out and deal with the fallout that my family will unleash (if any since I don't know how they will react here).

The final thing I can say that I hope for 2010 is that I would like to find someone who I can finally settle down with here. While I do enjoy hooking up when I get the chance, I would rather prefer myself to be with someone for the long-haul here since I do want that companionship and that white-picket fenced house. I could do that on my own but I want a guy for my own who I know I love deeply and know that he will be there for me as how I will be there for him.

Guess I have done enough reflecting and thinking for now on these two entries that have merged into one. Hope that your 2010 is a good one for you all my readers and stay tuned for the next entry in my life story. I am in the process of working on it and hope to have it out soon. Take care all.

Thoughts From An Email That I Never Thought I Would Get

-first added on 12/19-
Sounds like a long,corny title but it's something that I thought I wouldn't have to deal with until now. I think I have to explain what happened here to bring me to this thought process. It was in July when Aaron (my ex who I was trying to be friends with) and I broke communication with each other. Long story short, he was dealing with some family problems and took his frustration on me. While I tried to listen and help out, it wasn't enough. Then again, I wasn't helpful to him since I was dealing with problems of my own. In the end, we cut our ties with one another and decided not to talk again. He sent an apology the next day but I never responded to it since I was hurt.

So fast forward to a few days ago when I was checking my emails and saw a message from him for a few videos. I thought that he sent it to me on accident and as such I just looked at some of the stuff on there n that was it. A few days later, he sent me a second message saying that he saw my email still in his address book and wanted to try to talk to me again telling me of his discoveries that he did upon himself. He also mentioned that I was and still am a big part of his life that he doesn't want to lose.

So I am now at this fork of whether or not I should talk to him. I can say that I did think of him in October. Granted that I do miss his company but I have moved on with my life and feel that I can no longer deal with everything that he can deal to me.

-added on 12/27-
After much thinking and talking with a friend on this matter I feel that while Aaron has the right intentions in his heart of trying to rebuild our friendship, the time has come to say goodbye. I care for Aaron a great deal and that is something that will not change. At the same time, I need to believe that if you love something so much that there is a time that you just have to let it go free. I feel that this is the point in time that I need to let him go. We had a great run and I would do it in a heartbeat. We both helped each other mature in different ways and as such I am different from when I first started.

Rage

This is a mild break from my normal life story blogs since I just need to write down some thoughts and try to ease my mind of the frustration that I have with the world, and with myself here.

Rage. It's something that we seem do deal with on a daily basis. It can be from road rage with the driver that is in front of you and can't drive properly or cuts you off when you had the right of way. It can be rage against a certain sales associate for giving you bad service or ignoring your pleas of assistance in order for them to chat with their co-workers about something random. Hell, there's even rage at work when people let you down for a team project and they have set you back weeks. It's from this rage that things can be blown out into harshness and cruelty that can take time to heal or never heal at all if exploded. There are tools that people find to help them break that rage whether it's exercise, talking, eating, shopping, or sex. It's from there that people seem to get back to a normalcy and are able to have a low tank on rage.

I wish I can say that is how I feel here but it's not. I feel the opposite here since I feel that all these plans that I have thought up before have died out completely and the path that I am on now is not the one I wanted here. I know where I can pinpoint all this rage started from and who to blame.

I know it started after failing U of I the second time around here. Even though I took it hard and tried my best to stay in that school, I didn't do it. I felt so miserable that I was pissed off with the world here. What didn't make things better was the fact that I was dumped around that same time. I pretty much took all that anger towards myself and the relationship and just unleashed it on the world with no reservations and with no care in the world. While it was bad, I did calm down and the rage somehow subsided within me. I know that as time went on, my rage would top out and then go back down. While I tried to find different ways to vent out this rage in a healthy manner, I felt that it did nothing for me. It would just fill back up quickly and then I have a near-meltdown.

This is how I have lived with myself to this day. I know that things are not going to my wishes and fantasies. I am not working full-time in an office and don't have my own place. I don't have that special someone to come home to and feel truly at home without secrets or hiding a double-life. I think that's why I feel so enraged. I feel that being at home not coming out to my family is a big issue as to why things are the way they are and why I feel I need to walk on eggshells when it comes to me or how my family has to be careful of what they say around me in order for me not to blow up in a blazing and terrifying inferno.

Now you may ask why I don't come out to my family and have it out in the open. I'm not sure why I keep myself in this tiny closet when I'm with my family. Part of me likes the idea of having two lives to live while the other part (which tends to echo out more than the other) is telling me that my family will stop caring for me, kick me out of the house, and never speak to me again. While I know that is a big concern for coming out, but it's something that I don't want to deal with since my family is a big part of my life. If I lose them, then I know I will truly be alone and that's something that I hate to feel here.

In the past when I came to accepting being a gay man, I told myself that I needed to keep myself in the closet since I don't want my family to know and kick me out without finishing my school. Now I found something new to cover up that old excuse. In reality, the reason I don't come out to my family is because I don't want to deal with any conflicts that would be coming afterward. I want to be open with my family but I doubt that I can be here. I have seen it myself with everything that has gone on in my house.

My brother is a big homophobe and is fussy about that topic. He tends to mock it a lot. My mom says she's supportive but I know that she's a bit judgmental. I have seen it with her and how she acts around a few of my friends that do come over. Right after they walk away to a different part of the house, she asks me if they're gay. It's an issue with her that I hang out with gay people.

I don't know what else to really say here for now but this has brought down my rage meter a bit. Too bad that might not last long for me here since I cannot find that happy place anymore. I feel that it's gone to me here and the only true way to find it is if I do get out of this house which who knows when that will be.

I just needed to write down some stuff here since I had to clear my head with these thoughts. I will try to think on this idea some more and maybe even elaborate on some of the points I made here. Thanks for reading this and if you can offer any form of help, I would greatly appreciate it here a lot people. Thanks.

My Life Story Thus Far Act 7: Triton Days Part 2 [Jan 2004-Aug 2004]

Going back to U of I, I had a lot of good times down there. I really don't need to do much recapping in the last entry since I pretty much covered all that I was trying to convey during that time. I know I will add in details about Justin later on after I get to 2009 since he's someone who is still in my life to this day and as such I know that he's gonna be someone who will get a big entry for himself. So let's move on with the next part of my life here.

So after coming back home with my tail dragging between my feet and feeling very depressed from being dumped and failing school yet again, my mom told me that I was going back to Triton. It was an interesting time for me to go back there since I did not know what to expect second time going there. In some ways I thought it would be nice going there since I can see my friends again and make new ones. Besides, it would be an interesting time to see how Senate was going. So I enrolled back at Triton in January and decided to sign up for Senate once more here since I had a great deal of fun there.

I was soon to learn that there was much grief in there and that I was going to be in the middle being forced to choose sides. That will be explained a bit later on in the story. I went on in the semester and enjoyed my time with the people since I got close to a lot of them and even made some new friends there. It was there that I met Lori and Sarah who I found to be very good people. I really liked Sarah a lot since she went to East Leyden and knew a few people that I knew here. So it was nice to have some common ground.

I recall going to a few different places with them in February and enjoying my time with them all, especially with Jerissa since we were very close. She was my best friend that I had tons of fun with anytime we did something. I know my family would have liked it for me to be with her but I knew that wasn't going to happen since she was engaged. Anywho, we were starting to drift apart since she would be hard to get a hold of by phone and Myspace. So I kept to myself a bit here and hung out with the other people.

March came rolling around and soon I had gotten myself pinned in a corner again since the other ladies were planning to impeach Jerissa for her absence. They succeeded and told me not to tell her about it. What was the first thing I did? I told her what happened and was pissed off with what happened that I blogged. Well, the other girls saw my blog n began to throw a major shit-fit because not only did I tell Jerissa but also because I blogged and called them bitches. In the end, I just treated them a bit coldly and soon afterwards warmed up to them again to bring them back inside.

As for Jerissa, I lost touch with her and we went our separate ways which sucks since we were very close and I'm not sure if we'll ever get that way again. Only time will tell. I know that May, things were good for me since I went to Boystown with Justin for the first time. It was an interesting time since I had fun. Of course with me being such a lightweight, I got buzzed after my first drink and hammered after my second one (first was a shot of tequilla n second one was jageur bomb). So Justin took me outside of Roscoe's and we walked around for awhile to get my head back on straight until I was ok. From there, we went back to Roscoe's and hung out there for a bit longer until we went to Steamworks (first time for both of us) and spent the night over there with both of us not living in the city (will have to explain that night in more details at a later entry).

As June came along, I got some main letters for UIC and Disney in that I got accepted to both places and I had to make a decision as soon as possible. So I talked it over with my family and decided that Disney would be nice to do since I can get some job experience while taking a break from school. While the summer was going along, I was helping my dad with the flea market and also working at Triton for the summer as a tutor for two classes. It was in one of the classes that a girl hit on me and we went out for a few times. Needless to say, it did not work out since I realized at that point that I was more into guys here.

That summer also spelled a bit of problems at home too. I told my mom that I was into both guys and girls during an argument and things changed for her and me. We weren't talking to each other for a few days until mom and I went walking where she told me that it was just in my head and that I was listening to my brother when he calls me gay. Well, I told her that I knew that this was who I am and she denied it. So as summer was ending and I was getting ready to head out to Orlando, we left it like that and decided to keep those details as such (which for the most part have remained in existence to this day which gives me the issues of ever finding someone until I move out of the house in which I can be my true self).

That pretty much completes Act 7 of my life story. Act 8 will entail my many adventures and mis-adventures in Disney including my many hook-ups, my partying ways, my role down there, and the lasting impression that Disney left on me with a sense of affirmation and confirmation of everything.

Wake Up Shock In The Body

This entry is a break from my life story (in which next part will be out next week sometime if I ever get a chance to write it down) since I just needed to write some thoughts out here.

Have you ever just woken up in the middle of a dream whether it was good, bad, or mediocre and you feel like something's off in the world yet you don't know what? That's what just happened to me here. I'm not sure why but somehow I felt that here. In my dream, I was flying high to other worlds here and I felt a great deal of joy from it since I was with someone mysterious who I could not make out his face yet I felt close to him.

Anyways, I woke up from that dream of flying when my body just sent me a warning to return and to be alert. I never planned it but yet it's something that just said you are needed back in reality since something is not right. Granted I could not figure out why my body did that here, but something told my body to call my mind back from its dream state. Most times I can fall back asleep with no problem but this time it's different. Not sure how to explain it here but I just felt something. Maybe it's my heart saying that someone I barely know needs me or that someone I used to know is in trouble or even that someone who left me is calling out for me to return in their lives.

I have been told by people that I have this great amount of light surrounding me a few years back when I did an aura cleansing. They said that I have a gift of being able to touch people and sometimes take on their aches at times and how I am able to detect their true emotions even when they are hiding it from the world.

Who knows for sure what really happened to bring me into the state of being awake but I just wanted to write these thoughts down and feel a bit of closure from what just happened to me here. Well, I should start crashing now and getting a great deal of rest so that I can feel good for the morning since I have to be up in 2.5 hours. Good night all and thanks for reading this entry.

My Life Story Thus Far Act 6: UIUC Days Part 2 [July 2003 - Dec 2003]

Not sure what can I say about the last blog that I forgot to mention anything. All I can say here really is that while the break-up was bad for me, I managed to keep a lot of the things that he gave me like a blanket that he got at a reservation out in AZ and a keychain from Canada. I even kept a picture frame that he gave me as a gift which I still use today here. I can't say that it was all bad but I still feel the sting from the break-up here. I recall one day developing some old rolls of film that I had from my first time in Champaign and a few other spots that I will mention in the next few entries here and I saw the pic I took of Robb and I kissing. I didn't really know how to perceive that at all here. Part of me felt great joy since it was taken during a romantic time yet at the same time part of me was angry with him since he never understood why I kept what I kept here. Anyways, in the end I just ripped the pics up and threw them away since I could never want to recall that at all here.

With that in mind, time to move on with the next section of my life. A part that I was never able to forgive myself until I graduated from school at UIC so many years later.

So after the break-up, I felt a bit low but at the same time I felt excited here since I kept telling myself here that I will be going back down to Champaign and start a new time in my life knowing what gender I prefer and also get a chance to work my ass off and not screw up this chance (which I did and will explain later on here). Near the middle of July I got the information on my new roommate who was from IL. Only thing was that he was from Dixon, IL (where Reagan came from for the most part) and we were different majors. Anyways, I did talk to him and we ended up being some good friends I can say here. We talked a bit by AIM and email to decide on who's bringing what and I decided to bring a bunch of the stuff over with me here. As soon as we got there, I brought my TV, tower, mini-fridge, rug, and other stuff that I needed to have some fun with my new roommate.

I moved in back at Allen Hall once more since I liked the dorm a lot here. Part of me thought that it would be good to be there again but a part of me thought I should have gone to a different dorm here. At the same time, I was happy to be back there since I made so many friends in there and it would be nice to be there again to make some new friends here. So I did some of the same events like last year like Quad Day, the big event at the main fitness center and few other things but at the same time things changed too since I didn't do any major partying here. I focused a bit more at school and doing the improv group along with forming my video gaming club.

I even started to hang out with people in the LGTB group at Allen Hall and at school since I wanted to get to know a few gay people. It was here that I crossed paths with Bruce one time (although I don't recall it too much here and he does, he won't show up in my life til 2 years later and he will have a big entry for him after my other ex is covered). It was here that I began to start using a few sites that were geared for gay people like gay.com and xy.com. It was on xy.com that I began to chat with someone on there who caught my eye in early September (I will explain a bit more about Justin in a later entry since he pretty much is still in my life today and in order to give a full account of him, I have to give him his own entry).

Going back to the topic of school, I thought things were going pretty well for me at school, at least I thought here. I was handling my classes for the most part and felt like nothing could shake me from my stronghold. I thought that with a dry-erase board to record my due dates, exams, and having a slight outline of my schedule, I have set myself up for some success. With all of that, I decided in mid September to set up a video game club at Allen Hall and for the university in which I called it Video Gamers Alliance. It was from here that I would make sure that people would meet up and have fun playing games. I ended up pulling together a Duck Hunt tourney in which it went pretty well even though I had a few people there. I ended up making sure that people were having fun and playing games and socializing with one another. I really got to network with people and got hooked on DDR for the first time.

I even managed to get Stepmania few weeks later and was enjoying all the song files that I got for the game and got pretty hooked on it here. My roommate even showed me how to make some files for the game since he saw I was getting into the series. October soon came along and I was hanging on to my classes since I was slipping a bit but not by much. I was also making sure to eat carefully so as not to get myself sick when need be by either doing ramen noodles in my room or going to McDonald's and getting an order of super size fries and a super size Coke. On weekends when my roommate would sleep in until noon, I would drag my TV into my closet since I had tape on the door so that I won't get locked in again (Long story short since I didn't explain it in Act 4, a friend of ours thought it would be funny that once I went inside my closet to shut it on me and lock me out. I was freaking out and my roommate unlocked me after finding my keys on my desk. I was so pissed off that I swore in the hallway where my RA heard and banned the guy from the room. I forgave him later on but never could trust him again.) and enjoyed watching the Saturday morning cartoons like a little kid eating breakfast with either Pop Tarts or cereal.

I even was a bit sneaky for food since I would keep a Tupperware dish in my backpack during some meals so that I can take some of the food that I can eat back to my room for either a snack or for a meal the next day. I even took silverware and dishes from there too. I was a bit sneaky but with my big backpack, no one would have guessed it. Moving on here, I enjoyed everything here the second time around since I was balancing it all here yet something still felt a bit quiet and that was my need to have my family around me.

After being home that one year, I felt a bit lost without them and as such every few weeks (would say about 5 times during that semester) I would visit them when I could and be with them. I know I came home a few times like for one of my brother's meets in which I did an open run for 1 mile or just to hang out with my family and watch the Bears game. I even came home a week after my birthday to celebrate it with them since I had a gaming event on my birthday and ended up cashing out my points to get drinks from the dorms to supply for everyone. I even ordered pizza and pokey sticks from my own money. It was a blast to recall since I was noticing I was improving my skills at DDR here.

November was coming up and I did a lot to keep up with my programming class since some of my programs weren't working right in which I realized why I was doing that bad here. Anyways, I continued to try my best and work hard in doing it so that I can stay another semester at U of I since it's a school that I felt at home with here. I did a lot here and had a full plate with stuff. I even pulled a few all-nighters here to try and remain focused with my classwork here. I even recall giving a tour to B and her students for the weekend. I even had a mini-gaming event in which they came to have some fun with games. It was a lot of fun and then I got into serious mode to work my ass off.

After some time, December came and I was in finals week trying to study my ass off so that I can pass my classes and stay another semester. After my last day with finals, I had my family pick me up and we headed home so I can hang out with friends and be with my family. I ended up getting my grades in January and I was devastated that I missed the GPA by only a few points. I tried my hardest to talk with the dean and see if they could overlook it but it was no use. I got kicked out of U of I and I was depressed. I even went back to the dorm to clean out my stuff and put it in the truck. I felt like giving up and calling it quits with my higher learning. I felt that I will never graduate and as such I felt like a failure here. It didn't help out that Justin broke up with me either. So I was really low and felt like I can talk to no one here except my friends but I would soon learn that there was trouble in that area too that will be mentioned in the next act.

So I guess that covers most of my time at Champaign for the second time. I gave it a shot but it was not good enough apparently. I do miss that school a lot and in some ways I think about what life would have been like if I was still down there. I don't know but I have made my peace with that for the most part here. So you know a bit of my second stumble and as such how I got really depressed as if I never wanted to come out from my rock here.

Next act will talk about my second time at Triton, the drama that went in Senate, my first trip to Boystown and also my first job outside of my dad's business. Guess that's all I have to say for now here. Enjoy the read and wait til next week for the next entry.

Birthday Thoughts

I want to write on some thoughts here on my birthday since today is the day that I turn 27. I haven't done something like this in ages but feel that it's a good time to reflect on the past years that I have been alive for here. I know my mom probably thought I was never going to be born until December but I guess I had other plans here.

I did get some info from my mom last night about the day I was born. My mom was starting to have some contractions early on and it wasn't until they got to the first hospital (since the doctors could delay my mom from delivering me early) that her water broke. From there it was off to another hospital and it was there that I was born at around 1:30 am without breathing my first breath. My mom was scared and the doctors began to help me breathe and that's when I cried after that. After that, I was in the NICU for a few months until I got to a healthy size and was able to breathe on my own with no major problems.

I never knew that I would be around for so long here as I have here. It's interesting to think that I could have been dead as an infant and yet I'm still around now to this day walking and standing, able to decide on my own future with whatever I want to do here. My birthdays have always been celebrated with people constantly since I had that personality of wanting everyone to celebrate it with me. I recall in grade school bringing doughnuts or sweets of some kind around that time to give out to my classmates in school. There were even times when I had birthday parties with my friends either at Chuck E Cheese's (that was only 1 year) or at the house in which it was a costume party. It was a lot of fun to have that with friends and some family members too.

I recall the family dinners that we would have where my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins would meet up and give me gifts of either toys or money or even clothes. Those were some great times. I even recalled how as I got a bit older, I started just getting money and a few gift cards to places like Best Buy or even Target to buy whatever I wanted.

I have to say though that my 21st birthday was a good one for me here since that was one that I never expected to happen. I recall meeting up with my Triton friends Alecia, Jenn, and Jerissa at home in which we went out to one mall and then drove all the way from there to Golf Mill before heading back home and seeing my family and friends there ready to surprise me with drinks galore. I had such great times there especially with having my old teacher and friend come over as well to ring in the celebration for me.

Now that I'm 27 years old today, I see that many things have been good and bad. While I tend to focus a bit more on the bad stuff, this year I am making a promise that I need to start looking at the brighter side of things here. I should no longer be a pessimist but be more of an optimist here. Only in doing that can I find great successes in my life like how I saw them many years ago when I was younger.

My Life Story Thus Far Act 5: Robb, My First In Some Areas [April 2003 - July 2003]

Act 4 brought in some big revelations as to my circumstances with school the first time I went downstate. I never shared it fully as I have on here to random strangers since I was always ashamed of this. I always told people that the first time I went down I got really sick and as such I ended up going back home to get better and be close to my family before I try again. The second I ended up going down there will be in Act 6 since that's a bit of a different story yet the same results happened and much more too. So let me move on with this act before going into details about the next act.

Now with things starting to go a bit decent in my life with school and starting to make new friends. I felt that it was time to start dating and see if I really did like dating guys here or if it was just something to seek attention since the opposite sex never found me attractive. Deep down I knew the truth but it never fully came out until I began to date Robb. Let me give you a bit of info on how I met Robb, what happened on our dates, and finally how we broke up.

I decided that in February 2002 that I would post up an ad on one of the many dating sites out there and try finding a guy to see what can happen. So I ended up placing an ad on American Singles and made it somewhat noticeable that I had my email on there just because I was not in the mood to pay $20.00 a month for something that I don't want my family to find out. At that time, I only had one checking account which my mom had access to the records to see what charges I made and all of that stuff. Anyways, I ended up one day getting an email from Robb who saw my profile near the end of Feb and we began to chat up a bit.



I'm showing a pic of him on here so that everyone can see how he looks like now. Back to the story, I ended up responding to him and found him somewhat interesting. We had a few things in common like the fact that we're both in school, we're big fans of Lord of the Rings, and we were around the same age group. It was pretty interesting to talk to him over AIM and email. One day in March, I decided to give him my cell number so that we could start talking over the phone and see what happens from there. We would talk for sometime and it was nice to hear someone who kinda understood my situation of not being out to my family yet and afraid of what could happen. We would talk about different things and one day in April he asked me out. I said sure and asked him to pick me up at Triton since if he would pick me up at home, I would have some explaining to do. So I ended up telling my folks that I would be with my friends at school for a bit before going out and hanging out with them for most of the day when I was done with classes. Robb ended up driving to Triton and picked me up. I know my friends were nervous for me since they didn't know what to expect. Hell, I didn't know either here. So I ended up going with him afer my friends grilled him for a bit.

We drove out to Dekalb since he was going to NIU at the time getting his degree out there. When we got to campus, he gave me a bit of a tour of where everything was at and also showed me around campus giving me some of his stories of Dekalb. He even told me about the haunted library that he worked at which made me seem a bit interested in him. After the campus tour, we went to eat at a Mexican restaurant where we talked. He asked me about school and I pretty much told him the story that I was telling just about everyone since I was ashamed to admit that I failed [which is that I got sick and as such headed back home after a year to get a bit better]. On the drive back home since it was getting a bit dark, we kissed for the first time and I knew then that I was no longer in the middle but more towards the gay side. As we got closer to home, we ended up going to a park right near my place for a bit more of making out before he dropped me off and headed back to Dekalb.

It was something that I liked a lot and decided to meet up with him again a few weeks later. We did go out and had a nice meal which followed with some making out too. It was after that second date that we made it official that we were dating and became a couple. I recall on the third date which happened in late May, early June that we went to his home in Mokena and he showed me around the area for a bit before taking me to his home where I got to meet his dad. I liked his dad a lot since he was very nice and welcomed me into his home. After sometime of eating there with his dad and watching movies, we were making out and slowly clothes were coming off until we were in our undies. I recall that at this time, he was about to take off my undies when I told him to hold it there since I was a bit uncomfortable. He was so apologetic about that since he forgot I was still new to all of this. That made me like him even more. We kept making out and laid in his bed in our undies til it was time for me to head back home.

I thought things were great and even on the 4th of July, he picked me up to take me to a fireworks display in Joliet with him and his friends. I enjoyed it completely since before we went there, we went to his place and we were completely naked in his bed. I thought that it was right since I was starting to come out of my shell more and more here. We even ended up sucking each other off for a good while. I even recalled talking to him about trying anal sex one time since we were doing good. So I thought things were great.

Well, the middle of July came and I got my acceptance letter from Champaign saying that I was able to come back down after they reviewed my transcripts at Triton and read my letter. I was really excited that it was happening that I told Robb about it. I even then decided to tell him the truth and confess to him that the story I told him was a lie since I was afraid of admitting to myself that I failed and that I wanted him to know what really happened. His response was not what I was hoping for here. Instead of saying something like "I am a bit upset with you about you keeping this from me yet I understand why you did it. Nothing is going to change my mind about you.", he ended up writing an email to me breaking up with me saying that it was over. I felt so shattered since I was starting to accept my mistake and he ended up making me so very low here.

I tried to talk to him a few days later but he made up his mind and just like that the relationship died. I know that in the following months I kept in some contact with him as he began to date a guy at school which we soon broke contact completely. I know I have him as a friend on Facebook and Myspace right now but I am never sure if I will really talk to him or if he will talk to me. I know I do owe him thanks for helping me start to break out of my gay shell and start walking in the doors of the gay world but in a lot of ways, I owe a greater deal of thanks to Justin, my next ex and one of my closest best friends that I have in my life along with Bruce (another ex). Those two you will learn later on in this life story that I am writing here.

So as such, Act 5 is now complete and the curtain drops on this part of my story. Act 6 will pretty much contain a lot of details as to my second trip to Champaign, my relationship with Justin, and a few other things that I think I can add on here. It will also contain the information as to the outcome from that semester at school and also what I dealt with after everything transpired. So stay tuned for the next part here all.

My Life Thus Far Act 4: UIUC & Triton Days Part 1 [July 2001 - May 2003]

Everyone got to see how my time was spent in high school. I was a busy kid with AP classes, sports, and a ton of activities that it seemed to have taken a lot out of me but somehow I made it through with shining colors here. I need to add a few details that I forgot to add in Act 3. For one thing, I had a great deal of friends at school which made my time there a lot of fun but grew really close with the cross country team and my few choir friends that I had. I also need to make a note on here that my junior year brought a different change for me too. Before I started my junior year in high school, I know that my brother and I were doing a great deal of altar serving in the 8:00 am mass and a lot of the church-goers knew us pretty well and saw us as great kids doing a great service to the church. It was from our dedication to being there on time that we were lucky to have been in the mass when Cardinal Francis George gave mass there. Anyways, that August before I started my junior year and my brother started his freshman year, we decided together that we were going to retire as altar servers. We told the priest that we were retiring at the end of the month since the new schedule was not made yet. Anyway that last Sunday, my brother and I did everything like what we were supposed to do and helped out. After Communion, he made the announcement that we were done after today which was something that shocked my brother, my mom and me. After the mass, some of the ladies thanked us for doing what we did and gave us a hug for everything. We even got some handshakes from some of the other churchgoers too. It was a nice day there.

Had to say something about that since it was something that I recall to this day on since it was sense of pride for doing something like this especially as long as I did it here. I knew many of the people I went to grade school with stopped after 8th grade or after their freshman year so for these people to thank me for keeping this up til the time I did was amazing.

That's what I needed to add to my third act of my life story thus far.

After graduation, I felt like I was on top of the world. I had gotten accepted to a great school that is considered to be a scholastic achievement. The school takes the top 20% of each school and gives them a chance to be a student in their school. I felt like I was ready to take on the challenges that were ahead of me and take them with stride here. That summer, I went to the summer camp along with a few other graduated seniors since we didn't want to say goodbye to the team just yet. I know that my brother signed up for camp since he liked track a lot and wanted to try cross country too especially since he would experience a coach that I can consider being a second father. So I did the runs and worked hard making sure that my brother would be ok in doing the work-outs too before I headed downstate.

Once that time came for me to move down to Champaign, I began to do a lot of things from packing stuff up that I would need for the dorms to buying my first laptop (a very old computer with Windows 98 n only like 5 gigs of hard drive space) to even getting some extra things for the walls. Well, when I got there on a Sunday for move-in day it was a bit of mass hysteria since I didn't know how things were going. I ended up having the people load stuff up on the cart and take it to my room with exception of my laptop.

So I checked in, met my roommate (I should break here and describe my roommate. His name is Jason and he was from NY. I know that he was in the rich area and was in Electrical Engineering while I was a Computer Engineering major so we were together for majors for the most part since our classes were about the same yet I only got some interests in his likings to Weezer and Radiohead. Beyond that, we really didn't click too well.) and got talking to some people. I met my RA and felt like he was a nice guy. I had a great deal of fun within those first few days since I checked out a lot of different things. On Monday, I went to the main fitness center since there were some big things going on out there and I hung out with my roommate and some of his friends there and saw all the different things out there. On Tuesday, I ended up hitting the Quad and did a lot of different things from signing up for clubs to doing a Big Brother program (will write on that a bit later). Anyways, it was there that I joined the fraternity Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia. While I can share on some things, most things I will keep silent on since it is a secret in the frat that I cannot share with anyone but my fellow brothers.

So let's move on from that point to a new one here. So it was during that time that I did a lot of things from the pledging to the Big Brother program to my improv troupe Like Disco But Not Really to even doing choir and other activities that I never used my time well to focus on studying or being good with classes. I thought that I would be able to pull it out in the end like in high school. That's why most weekends I attended parties and got drunk or hung out with people and did stuff or even ended up going home once in awhile to be with the family. I recall one time going home from a party and ended up bumping into an old high school classmate in which I drank more and even did some chewing tobacco. Later on that night, I hit the Subway since it was open until 4 am and got a sub sandwich. I ate that and right in the middle of the quad ended up throwing up horribly.

I even recall 9/11 since it was my first semester away from being at home. I recall waking up and getting ready for classes when my RA asked if I heard what was happening. That was when I went to his room and saw the TV with all that was going on. I was in shock of all of that and could not believe it. I recall that after all my classes, I was on my computer watching the events unfold on my laptop here. I was glued on there at night with headphones on so that I can listen to everything.

It was there that I did a lot and after my first semester, I ended up failing badly. I got a 1.95 GPA and was placed on probation. I felt guilty about it and thought that by cutting out a few activities and setting a few things back while taking on more hours I would be ok. Well, I kept my bad habits going here. While doing the Big Brother program, I saw the kid a few times and hung out with him but I wasn't there enough to be a true influence and that was bad on my part. It was even there that I began to discover more of me being gay with the discovery of gay porn and paying for subscriptions here. It didn't go well since mom saw the charges and I ended up making it sound like someone did it as a joke. It was a bad thing there. So I worked a bit harder and even thought that having a dry-erase board right by me would help me keep track of deadlines but that wasn't the case. I know that even in that semester I downloaded a ton of music here and it was a great deal since I used Rhapsody to get my tunes.

Well, I tried my best and ended up failing out since I bombed 2 classes here. I felt devastated here to the utmost here since I have never failed in anything in my life like that. I was not sure what to do since I was a bit heavy and depressed. I wanted to take the summer off so that I could figure something out but my mom forced me to go back to school and enrolled me in Triton to take some classes in order to get myself working on bettering myself and be ready for the new semester at UIUC by taking the year at Triton and then petitioning back there.

So I decided to take my mom's advice and go to school for the summer and take a few classes there. I took a full summer's load here by taking Calculus I, Introduction to Programming (since that's what I wanted to do), and Introduction to Computational Mathematics (dealt a lot with logic problems like IF-THEN, AND, OR, and NOT statements). It was during the summer that I began to see myself doing a bit better in the classes and began to work hard making sure to get stuff done since my mom was on my ass making sure I didn't slack off and fall behind in my work. After that summer, I saw that I not only passed all my classes with straight A's but that I was losing the weight a bit since my depression was starting to clear up a bit. I even began to hang out with my friends from high school that I was close with and we were talking about a lot of different things like how I knew I was gay and when it first dawned on me. It was a good time for me and as such began to change a lot on my life here.

It was in the fall semester that things began to change for me here. For the most part, I was driven to school either by my friend Becky or my dad. I was lucky that my classes were done after 1:30pm since my dad would pick me up and take me home so that I could eat a bit before I get on my bike and ride off to my old high school to help out the team as a manager/stats stringer. It was from doing this that my brother and I got a bit closer and it was here that I got pretty close to the whole team. I was there just about every day and at every meet ready to help out and record the times for meets and workouts. I was even lucky to have my tower to my own self since I was able to use Works or Office to make my sheets that I used for the times and everything. From doing this, I got to run and lose more weight plus get in a better mood since it was a great way to cure my depression here.

Of course the end of October came and the season was over, so I needed to find something else to do with my free time. After finding out that Becky joined student government, I joined about a week later and signed up for a few of the committees which was pretty cool. I was enjoying the fun there by hanging out with some of the people there and making new friends with people like Alecia and Jerissa. It was a great deal of fun with them since I got close with them and they were seeing a side of me that I never showed. I even was able to slowly come out to them and use the computers in the Senate office to check out profiles online for dating.

After a few months, I got close to everyone and considered a good chunk of the people to be friends and acquaintances while Jennifer, Alecia, Jerissa, and I got to be very close friends. On the other hand, Becky and I began to drift apart a bit. It was until one meeting for the committee that things really got out of hand here. What happened is that Becky was upset with a decision that the Budget Committee made on a professor's application for the Senate which was late. Becky wanted us to look at it and consider it for vote but we all agreed that since the application was late, we should pass on it and move on. Well, that set off a ton of sparks for her and she left the meeting early for that. With that happening, we were down one person for the votes but pretty much approved the rest of the budgets that were dropped off. That following week, we had a committee meeting with Becky and the Technology Committee in which she was a bit sour from the day before. When the meeting started, Jerissa was sitting in the meeting in which Becky was not happy about that at all. Things were getting pretty heated between the two of them and it was not looking very good. She ended up storming out of the office and we had to cancel the meeting from what happened. Later on that day in an attempt to make my mind change, I heard from Jen that Becky was talking about me being out which was uncool (I now know that I was the one sharing information about that to the Senate and for that Becky, I do apologize for that) and I felt betrayed. It was there that she was not happy with me for staying on their side of everything and as such things were bad.

On the day that we have our usual Senate meeting, Becky called my cell and she gave me an ultimatum between voting on impeaching her and losing our friendship or keeping her in office and dealing with the chaos. I was very upset of it all and felt trapped in a corner here. In the end, I abstained my vote but with the shortage of votes, the impeachment did not go through. At the end of the meeting, Becky gave her letter of resignation and she left Senate. I ended up taking over her chair position and ran the committee pretty well until the end of the year. It was a good time for me here and I felt glad to do something like that.

I would talk about my first boyfriend Robb in this point but I feel that talking about my exes would be a different act in this life story that I'm writing here, which would most likely be the next act since it is a bit important to talk about him and put in some details as to how we met and everything like that here.

So with the end of the spring semester and the end of my year stay at Triton, I felt that Champaign was ready for my comeback. I wanted to return there to work on my degree with a new sense of accomplishment and a sense of pride and dedication to my studies. I felt that with my past somewhat behind me, I was able to go on and work on my degree with no problems whatsoever. So in April, I began to write my petition letter to the College of Engineering pleading with them to take me back and allow me to work on my CS degree there since I have said that I am ready to work hard and do what is needed to be a successful student here. It was in June that I got my letter of acceptance back to Champaign which made me proud and happy. I felt glad to be returning back down there and to experience all that the school I held with pride in my heart here. I ended up telling my new friends about this and they were happy for me that I was doing this yet sad to see me go down there but in the end they knew that U of I was where I wanted to be at and where my heart desired to go. So I hung out with them a few more times in the summer while I did summer school again and it was a great time for me to enjoy my last days with them before Champaign started up in August. I felt ready to take on UIUC again and this time be successful since I learned from my mistakes here.

So thus ends Act 4 here for everyone. I was hoping to make this be a very long entry covering 2001-2004 but then the entry would be humongous. That is why I broke it up into 2 parts for now. Anyways, you will learn in Act 5 all about Robb, my first boyfriend and how we came to meet and the break-up that happened. Act 6 will contain a lot about my second trip to UIUC and the aftermath of that. So stay tuned to all that I write here since the next updates will kinda reveal a lot about why I lost myself in so many ways and took many years to find my old self again or at least something like it.

Thoughts On My Twitter Post From Yesterday

So I said that I was gonna write about this post that I made on Twitter yesterday but things came up and I postponed it. Besides, I had to go through the recordings that I made to see what I was saying and write what I felt needed to be said. For the most part, I liked what I said but glad the videos didn't go up. So I leave you here with what I said. Although it's not what I said in the recording, I feel that the meaning is still there.

Here's the post I made:

i hate this feeling im in right now. i feel like nothings going how i wished this were. will write blog on this thought more when i get home11:33 AM Sep 10th from txt

and here's my blog.

So imagine if you were in a part looking up at the sky underneath a few trees...

Looking at this tree and the sky, it seems to be coming to me with many variations. I can see how the tree is life and each branch represents a different path that I can go. While the outcome is always the same in death, it's the path length and the difficulties that seem to give us the great challenge. Certain branches have smooth bark and a leaf at the end in which things look great. There are some branches that have that same smoothness yet the leaves are chewed up on and there are a few branches that have rough bark and could possibly have a leaf or in the case of one branch, no leaves at all. I feel that right now I am in a standstill and that I am on that branch that has very rough bark and looks like my branch is going to be one with no leaves at all.

I know it sounds a bit crazy to say this but lately I just have been having this feeling along with the thoughts that pop into my head of "what if". I don't know why I do the "what if's here but it's something that I tend to do a lot especially when I feel a bit depressed and feel like nothing is going right for me here. There have been many "what if"s that have popped in my head from time to time but as of late I have been having a few major "what if"s that I can't seem to shake off or let go. I feel that I need to elaborate on this since I haven't gone into much details.

WHAT IF #1: What if I didn't fail out of school the first or second time?
This is one that seems to have been on my mind for many years and while I have pushed it to the side, it somehow in my darkest hours find and taunt me relentlessly. As you will learn in Part 4 of my life story (which will be coming out soon as soon as I have the chance to write and revise it), I went to Champaign, IL for school at U of I on two separate occasions here. Anyways, the what if that seems to plague me is where would I be if I went to school there still. Would I have finished my degree as I originally planned? Would I have gotten that job in my field? Would I have been with someone else or with Justin [someone you will learn in Part 4]? Would my family be ok with what my lifestyle is like [this is a what if that I will explain later on in this entry]? I don't know and while I should remain focused on the present, I can't help but to think as to what would my life be like if that route was there for me.

WHAT IF #2: What if I stayed with one of my exes?
The exes are supposed to remain in the past yet for some reason I sometimes think about this. In part 4 and beyond (since I don't know how long my life story will be), I have been with a few people in a serious relationship. There are some who I don't want to be in a relationship again (Robb) while there are some who I wish I was still with (Justin, Bruce, Aaron). I will say something about Robb, I am happy that he and I didn't last since he made me feel bad that I told him something after I was able to admit to myself that I screwed up in school (learn more about it in Part 4). Anyways, I tend to think about these three guys and realized that I do still have some strong feelings for these guys. I tend to think about the "what if" with these guys since they were there for me and still are which is something that I feel proud of here. I guess I think about this too since each one of them gave me the idea of a second chance yet with each one it was different. With Justin, I was hesitant in taking that shot since someone dissuaded me from going for it (and learned that the guy had the hots for him). As such, I decided that Justin would be a friend since I don't think we'd be a good match since we're a bit too much alike. With Aaron, I know I kinda shot it down in the past since we broke up after having a fight and at that time I was just wanting to end it fully yet now I have him as a close friend who I can always count on with some wisdom and a great deal of patience. Yet it is with Bruce where I feel in a lot of ways the most amount of regret here.

I would hold this off until Part 4 or whatever part I write him in but I feel that I need to talk about him since it's important. We met online on gay.com and began to chat. We first met in person after he lost his job with WaMu and he was on the Brown Line (CTA trains for those not familiar with Chicago subway system). Well, we talked and made out on the train for a good while. It was funny though since when we got to the stop where I can transfer to the train that would take me home, I was a bit hard from that make out session. Well, I ended up heading to his place after the end of summer school and we made out amongst other things and we became a serious couple. He had a lot on his plate at that time with a new stressful job, his mom's passing and now a BF who was half the time there and the other half stressing about his family nagging (another what if here that will be addressed). After awhile, he became a bit withdrawn and as such I did something stupid and cheated on him. He found out and I did confess and we kinda broke up.

Well, fast forward to spring 2008. It was around this time that he and I have been really close and best friends. It was about this time that he kinda asked me about maybe going at it again. I wanted to go ahead and say yes but part of my fears were holding me back mainly within two spots: family and my past mistake haunting me. So I say that I would want to keep it as friends. Well, I regretted the decision I made here since he ended with a guy he's happy with now and is living with him (have met the guy and he's nice even though the guy doesn't like me for something I said one day at Bruce's birthday party as a joke). So I feel like a dummy that I let him go but I have to move on from this point on and see what happens with someone new. Still I wonder what would have happened if I did say yes to him. Would my family have been ok with me dating a guy? Would I be commuting like crazy from Kankakee to Chicago to home regularly? I can't say what would have happened since it's just a what if yet I can't help but wonder about it here.

WHAT IF #3: What if my parents knew about me being gay?
This is one that seems to haunt me a lot here since I never know what I can do here anymore. It's something that is chewing me out like crazy and is driving me nuts beyond a reasonable doubt here. Let me explain this here since it's something that I cannot go into detail without a history lesson in my life.

I came out to mom in a letter saying that I was bi and she thought it was just a phase. A few years later I came to her and told her about a romp with a guy (kept it to just heavy petting n make out even though it was more than that) and it didn't go well. It went bad too when I got arrested for trying to do it with a guy in the restroom and got arrested for almost doing something here. It only made matters worse to the point where one day she found an entry of the breakup with Aaron n she began to complain about it all with the lying I did (since I knew she was going to be doing this if she ever found out).

While mom has an idea of this stuff happening, I don't think she will ever be ready to accept the concept that I'm gay. This has been a big issue for me as to what she would say and do if she ever found out. I think to myself that she would be crying and blaming herself for what happened since she let me have friends that she didn't like or my worst fear of getting kicked out of the house and trying to find a new place to live. I know in the past I feared that she would do that and that I would be out on my own with no way of being able to finish school or even pay it and have tons of debt. In fact, I still fear that because I don't think things will be ok with us.

I am close with my mom and family yet I don't know how they would fell about that at all or even how they would handle it if also brought a guy over. So I am left to stay inside my closet with my family until the day comes when I am able to be on my own two feet and can say it to them without the fear of consequences as much.

So I wrote down my thoughts that I needed to write here about why I made that post when I did. Hope this gives people an idea as to what's going on in my head and paint some pretty pics. So I am done here for now. Take care all and catch you later.

My Life Story Thus Far Act 3: High School Memories [1997 - 2001]

Finally with some free time, I decided to put up on here Act III since I have the free time to do it. That and I feel like I need to do it so that people can get some more details about who I am and how I came to be the person I am now. Thirdly, I wanted to get my thoughts a bit more organized since a ton of things happened for me during that time. So if you have been following my little stories thus far, you learned a great deal about me. While I made my days at Mt. Carmel sound like it was a hell for me, I can't really say that too much since there were some good memories that came from there. I had some really close friends which I lost touch with yet was something out of my hands. At the same time, I should have never let that happen and I have been trying now to find them and hope to bring them back into my life. Time to move on with Act III.

What can I say about my four years in high school? A lot went on for me there that I would have never been able to do if I went to a private school out in the city or even close to home (in which close I mean like 10 min drive). In a lot of ways, I wanted to go to the private high school since I knew that most of the people from grade school were going to different ones and I could stay in touch with some of them. My family said that the public school would be fine and that I can have a fresh start with new people. It was very interesting I have to say to go from 26 students in my class to about 300. I recall going there and feeling so very lost within the first day when I got my schedule and it was the time to introduce students to everything that the school offered. It was at that time that I decided to just go with clubs and give it a shot with them so that I can make some new friends. I recall giving that a shot and made some good friends but I made more friends within my classes.

I recall meeting my first friend who is someone who I consider to be a good friend, Wayne Thoreson. I met him my first day of school and talked to him for a few before our biology class. I remember that it was once we had lunch together that I talked to him for awhile and ended up meeting some other people that he was friends with like Joe and Robert (can't recall their last names off the top of my head here). It was from there that I felt that I had found some new people to spend time with during my school day. It was also there that I ended up meeting other people along the way and got to know more people. My freshman year, I ended up doing a few clubs like Business Professionals of America and the Chess Club. I even got to do a program called the Saturday Scholars with a few friends too. It was in this group that we got to board a bus and head out to a different high school to hear about different advancements in science from these professors who knew a lot on specific topics. I got to hear about space, the human body, and even computers with programming (something that will come to inspire me in my major in some ways).

There were some good days and some interesting ones too. I recall that in 1998, there was a big snow storm that hit the area and my family was rushing like madmen to beat it since we had a wedding the next day for one of my cousins. Well, we never made it to the wedding since we got hit hard with the snow and were not able to get out of the driveway. I recalled that while most of the schools were closed on the day back, my school was open. So I was not thrilled about that. I managed to walk it to school with no problem making it in the nick of time. Well, I soon heard that some of the buses were running late so the school would be going on inservice schedule (shorter classes). So during that free time, I ended up going to the computer lab for awhile to play some games and work on the Macs there and also hit the gym and did a bit of weights. Classes then started like normal with a low population of students. It was around my second class of the day that the school lost power and we were there for an hour before we were told to go home. I was happy about that.

It was at the end of my freshman year that I decided to try out a few new activities like choir and cross country. It was cross country that proved to be a big challenge for me here. I never ran a day in my life, so doing the sport was a major challenge for me. I first enrolled in the camp with my mom knowing about it. She thought that I was never going to make it through the summer and that I would give up. When I went that first day of camp, I didn't know many people except for one person who I shared every class during the second half of my freshman year, George. I gave it a good shot where I walked and ran as a combo. It wasn't until mid-July that I began to handle more of the mileage in which I was able to run without stopping. I decided after the camp to join the team and do the sport. I recall some great times during the season in which I will list later on as I talk about my sophomore year.

It was also during my sophomore that I also got a study hall. I decided that I really didn't need the study hall so I decided to become a student aide for the counselor's office. It was pretty fun I had to say since I worked with a new secretary and I got really close with her. While being an aide, I got to take passes through the school to oick up students so that they can see the counselors It was also during that time that I got close with one other teacher by the name of Ms. Barb Bylinski. She was my chemistry teacher who made the class a lot of fun. It was in her class and a different class with Mr. Bryan Weinert that taught Geometry and gave me the tools to build programs on my TI-83 in which I made a ton of programs for that class and for my chemistry class. It was a great deal of fun I had to say. In that same year, I hung out with a few of the seniors of '99 in which I got one of my few nicknames that did not last long "Comet". They gave it to me since they saw I was in Cross Country. During this sport, I ran a great deal of meets as a member of the sophomore squad and did really good. It was so much fun that I decided to do Track for the spring. When I did Track, it was during there that I got the nickname that I use for just about everything, "Helium".

Now the nickname is an interesting story. What happened was that we were on a bus to go to a meet. During the trip, I sat with some of the seniors (mainly the football jocks) and they began to talk about masturbating by saying "polishing their swords". It didn't take me too long to figure it out and I got embarrassed and my voice went high. Well they heard that and tried to think of a nickname for me. They came up with Prepubes but one said Helium and the name stuck. I tried to switch it to Comet or TKO which I gave myself but it didn't work out. So in the end, I accepted it and made sure that it didn't phase me. It was during my sophomore year that I also got to join both the National Honor Society and the Spanish Honor Society which is a big honor for a second year student.

Now that summer, I could have taken the driving classes but I felt that it was not really needed for me since I was so close to school, I could walk almost everyday and I never really had the need for a set of wheels here. So I decided to skip on that part of my life and instead focus on my training for Cross Country. Now this summer was a bit different from last. For starters, I got to take a bit more active role knowing the distances and mileages of where to go. The other thing was that my coach (forgot to introduce him earlier but his name is Tim Stark, someone I can consider to be another father figure) decided to take us to the Prairie Path (trails that go from Elmhurst all the way to Wheaton in which it branches off to either Aurora or Elgin) or to the forest preserve once a week for a long run. He gave us the task of tracking our miles and making sure that we ran on the days off from camp and that we would be in shape.

During the time that I had off in-between camp and the start of the season, I was told by Ms. B (my beloved chemistry teacher) that she would think it's best of me to sign up for a program at Elmhurst College in which I would learn a lot of math and science within that time. I signed up and got the ok from my folks to do it. I got there on a Monday morning and got away to learning a lot of new problems and even got some help in getting some pre-calculus and trigonometry problems (a class that I would be taking my senior year). We did some fun experiments in science too which made it all worthwhile since we were taught by some great professors who ran the program and two college students who helped in keeping an eye on us. While the classes started at 9 am and breakfast was served at 8, I used the time from 6-7:30 am to run on the track (which people didn't mind and I even saw Elmhurst's cross country team on there and talked to them for a bit) or ran on the Prairie Path since I was pretty close to it. It was a great time and I got to make some nice friends from there (in which I saw one of them in one of my CS classes in Champaign).

My junior year was a great deal of work since I did choir along with a few more activities. I was heavily involved with 2 choir groups, my sports, classes since I had AP classes, and a bunch of other activities. I was running around but somehow managed it pretty well. I know my junior year was where I tried to help out people while making sure my brother was doing ok since he started high school. As I went through the year, I got more programming on my calculator with Algebra II and was a great deal of fun since the teacher allowed me to doze off in the classroom because I had one of the highest grades. I loved getting away with some stuff like that. It was also during this year that I got to go to Disney World for the first time ever. We ended up going down there by bus and I recall some of the fun going there. I enjoyed it so much down there that I would end up returning in the future (stay tuned to that). The worst thing of doing the trip was that a few of my friends that went down and I (the juniors mainly) were studying for the ACT test on the trip back and that was not fun at all. We ended getting back at midnight Saturday and had the exam in 8 hours. I was lucky that I live close to school that my mom just picked me up and we got home in 2 minutes so that I can crash and wake up at 7 to go to take the test. Ended up getting a 24 composite (got that same score again in June when I retook the test in which only once score improved by one point) and decided that 2 times was enough.

I did camp again that summer in-between my junior and senior years and the same thing happened as the summer before with the mile tracking and the weekly runs to the path or forest preserve. The big thing that summer was in going out to Stark's timeshare at the last day of camp. We ended up going for three days with him, me, our captain Miguel (known to the team as Jefe) and the other Miguel. We headed out first to his place for a few hours in which we met his wife and saw his house. It was there that she had on Jeopardy! where it was the usual adults playing on there. You should have seen their faces when they saw me answering some of the questions with relative ease. They encouraged me to try out in which I said maybe I will in the future and then you can say that you know me (that's something I have been thinking about doing and will give it a shot when I head out to LA in the future). After that episode, we headed to a pool and got a bit of a tan and swam. It was a great deal of fun. Soon afterward, we went to his timeshare and chilled out for the weekend having fun with playing ping pong, basketball, tennis, and running. We all enjoyed ourselves that we bonded pretty well.

My senior year was a great thing since I got to enjoy the last year with friends and faculty. I ended up doing a lot of things my senior year with some changes. While Cross Country had the same coach, Track was with a different coach. What can I say about senior year except that I got to do a great deal of activities that I thought I would never do. One thing was that I ended up going to Disneyland for a few days as well as seeing Hollywood and Beverly Hills for a day since I had the chance to go and compete on the national level for Word Processing Skills for BPA. The other thing was that I got to go to East campus for one class and then rode the bus back to West to be an aide again for the counselor's office in which there were 2 other aides there and that 1 of the aides, a senior like me got to play Rock, Scissors, Paper when we had to show new students around the school. The other fun part was that there were a few days that I ended up missing the bus going to East for choir and so I got the chance to use the system to my advantage and sign in the office with relative ease since they all knew me so well and loved having me in there. I never realized that time flew by but soon enough, it was time for me to prepare mysef to graduate and move on to a new place. I had a ton of schools to choose from. While Northwestern was my dream school to go to, my parents told me to choose an in-state public school since I had a scholarship from the VA that would cover my tuition only if it was in-state. So going there was out of the question. I soon began to think about University of Illinois all the way in Urbana-Champaign which I applied and got accepted to as a Computer Engineering major (wrong choice in the major which I will explain in the next part).

As you can see, I made full use of the fact that I was close to home instead of going to a private school. I got to do a ton of activities and sports that I thought were never possible to do here. I made such great friends both on the team, in my classes, and in choir that I bonded with a great deal of them and still remain close to some of them today. I have to say that my 4 years at Leyden were some of the best times that I ever had. Of course I have a few regrets like not doing cross country or track my freshman year or being in office for some of the clubs I was in (I tried my senior year to do it but I never got it since BPA (President) and NHS (Secretary) had meetings the same day and I ran for 2 offices in there which I didn't win in either place), but I know that I did a ton of hard work for that school and it's nice to know that the teachers, faculty, friends, and administrative staff who knows my name and recalls my face will always recall that I was one good kid with a great head on his shoulders. On that note, I will conclude Part III for now.

I will give a sneak peak into Part IV, my days in Champaign. In here, you will see me start to question my major, sexuality, and a lot of things. Also on here, you will see that I did have a few last activities with Leyden and my times at Triton in-between it all. The final thing you will learn is the truth as to what happened at U of I and why after all this time I still feel a bit ashamed on that part of my life.

New Blog

So I haven't done much blogging in awhile here since I have been a bit withdrawn for other reasons. Anyways, I will start to do that once again here. Just wanted to let people know that I made a new blog with a purpose of tracking my works that I am doing while trying to keep my programming skills somewhat sharp. Here is the link.

http://haliosprojects.blogspot.com

Will try to blog within the next few days with life story and what has been going on with me here. Take care all.

The Spark That Started It All

I wrote a poem here for my poetry class and thought that I would be able to post it fully but I can't. It seems that my original style would not be able to fit in the style that I wrote it. So as such, I made an image of my work and have it posted on here. Hope you guys like the poem I wrote and feel free to comment on it.

Blog Postings from Myspace

Decided to move some of my blog postings from Myspace on here. Some works that I think serve a purpose that I have written with a lot of thought here. Check some of them out.

One Year Ago...
(I would have had this posted up on the actual anniversary but I got distracted with school and as such I delayed the post. So the time frame was set for 2/24)

It's amazing to think that a year has gone by and my family has been moving on with a little pause this morning. It's hard to think that 13 months ago, my grandma was in hospice. It's hard to think that a year ago, I was at KB working my shift and grandma passed away in the afternoon shift. I can't think how much time has flown and how the pain is still there. Even now as I sit in my room and it's covered with a ton of my posters and boards, yet the salmon walls stick out and the new layout fades away to show my grandma's room before she left this world.

I can't fathom the thought of her gone. She was like a second mother to me, especially when mom got married to my dad. Leo and I lived with her in the South Side until the summer so that we can get school done before the big move and start our lives as families. I recall the many Thanksgivings where we would go from Grandpa and Grandma Fabs and then head off to see my grandma and my relatives in the small South Side apartment.

I recall the times when Leo and I stayed there and we ordered pizza from a pizza parlor on Commercial Dr and 88th St. I recall the summer trip that we took where we traveled through Mexico and saw our family out there. There are a lot of memories that I have with her. I recall in a lot of ways how she had her stroke and how her tremors and Parkinson's started. It was a challenge for us which we had to help her out as best as we can.

I also recall how grandma and I were for a few years the first to arrive in Florida and the last ones to leave. I always found that nice since she and I could spend time together. I recall the strange stares that I got from women at Midway and in Sarasota airports when I had to go inside the women's restroom so that she can go potty. I recall the plane ride in which she kept moving in her seat and had to go to the bathroom. It was a challenge but I would gladly do that again for her.

I recall how mom and I went down around Memorial Day in 2003 to pick her up and have her live with us. It was during that time that Leo painted her room the color that has remained. I recall her glassy look and how she faded from this world into the next one. I miss her tons. I miss how I always hear her yell at Leo to stop tormenting her. I miss how Terra was her little "motita" or cotton ball. She was a great woman who I had great admiration for and who I had great respect for here.

I know that she's in a place where she's no longer suffering, no longer needing that walker or wheelchair anymore. She's able to move around freely without any difficulty. While she is in a joyous place, we still miss her and love her dearly. I sometimes find it so hard to remember her but when I start talking about her like how I do now, the memories and her face comes back. I know that she is missed here from her family and friends but we all know that she will be there waiting for us on your final days as we slowly start drifting off into the west.


Last Thoughts
As I sit here in-between worlds, I look and see how some of things I love and care are both disappearing and appearing. I see my children's eyes filled up with tears as they both know that I will not be here. I look at my grandchildren and look to them with great pride in knowing that they are growing up right. Yet I see also sadness since they know that I will not be on this earth looking as they achieve their degrees. While I start to leave this world I hear some chatter from within the light. I start to see my husband after so many years calling me to come to his arms once again. I see my mother saying to me to take her hand and be with her in the new world. With all that I'm seeing, I know that it feels right yet I know that I will my all who I left behind. I look around once more, only to see things looking brighter and brighter. Finally I hear a voice that I never heard before except within my heart. I hear him say "Come home my child. Come to me and you shall suffer no more." The light is so bright that I feel a great sense of peace. I start to leave this world and enter the new one. While I know that they all will miss me, I can be re-assured that when it is their time of need, I will be there to bring them back with me.

My Life Story Thus Far Act 2: Mount Carmel Days [1991 - 1997]

So in Act 1, you learned about me in the beginnings of my life up until 1990 when things began to change for me and my life. Before I continue with Act 2, I need to add a few tidbits here from Act 1. First, after my first stepdad killed himself his mother pretty much kicked us out of the house that we lived in and blamed us for his death when that was not the case. Secondly, I was a fearless child back then since I was very approachable. Nowadays, I tend to keep up a guard since I have been burned a ton of times. Anyways let's continue with Act II...

So during the summer of 1990, my brother and I began to help my mom in sending stuff off to the apartment where my dad lived at, which was the house that his grandmother (my new great-grandmother) was the landlady. Anyways, I got to meet her one time while moving some clothes into the place and she was a lovely lady. At the time I knew a bit about her. All I knew was that she was my grandmother's mother and that she came from Italy. So she was a nice lady and as such we got to be a bit close. Towards the end of August, my brother, mom, and I had all the stuff out of my grandma's place and we began the trip to going to Melrose Park in the hopes of starting off in a brand new private school.

It was also during that summer that my mom found a new job out there and began to work at Good Samaritan Hospital in Downers Grove in the billing department. Anyways, let's talk about my first day of starting off in Our Lady of Mount Carmel. When my brother and I walked to school, my brother (who was still known as Danny), my mom and I decided to go to my classroom first to check it out and see how things go. I recall meeting my teacher at the time, Mrs. Cwick. She was a pretty cool teacher who I liked a lot. She was the first one to call me "Tony Baloney". Anyways, after getting used to my classroom, I waved goodbye to my brother and mom who went down to his classroom. Now this is what I heard from my mom about him so I could be a bit wrong. Anyways, when he got to his classroom for 1st grade, he broke into tears since he saw his desk with the name Leonardo Jimenez instead of Daniel or Danny. He broke into tears until his teacher (whose name I can't recall here) reminded him of Leonardo, the leader of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. After hearing that, he calmed down and that's how he got stuck being called Leo. Anyways, while being in the 3rd grade, I made some good friends and had some fun with my classmates but at the same time I felt a bit of a social outcast since I didn't exactly fit in with most of them. While that was true, I did manage to make a few friends in grade school who I got close to enough that I knew them very well. The first two that I recall are Mario Paliferro and Jennifer Gattis. Those 2 were the starts of my friends who I enjoyed hanging out with. Mario was cool since he was Italian and that his dad was a Stallone look-alike which was pretty awesome. As for Jenny, she was cool too since she lived near school and we got along great. After my brother and I got done with school, we would go home in which Ernesto Perez (one of the kids in my class who in 7th grade made fun of me) and his sister (who was done with school) would take us home and we would get in. I recall one time that we lost the key and we could not get into the apartment in October. We ended up waiting until our dad came home from helping new drivers to unlock the door. After that day, we kept an extra spare outside if in case that did happen again.

Back at home, I recall my family was bonding a bit more as time flew on by. We would do Sunday night dinners in front of the television in which we would sit in front of the TV watching WCW since that was the coolest show we saw. I recall during 1991-1993 going to the UIC Pavilion when they did live shows and pay-per-view events there. My brother always had the passion for Sting, Flying Brian, and Lex Luger whereas I loved the Steiner Brothers. It's funny to think of all of them since we still have the figures upstairs in the attic. I even recall how he got a dog for the family. Her name was Buffy Lady Blossom Fabiani. We didn't know about it then but soon we saw that she was trouble. I recall my brother rough-housing with her and she would snap at him or how she loved to chew in which she destroyed a few NES controllers, a TV remote, and countless shoes that my mom had. That next year, we ended moving yet again since my family got a new home further west from the apartment. It was there that we got into the house that we currently live in now. I recall that my brother and I got to share a room since we were still little and having our own separate rooms was not fair yet. So the spare bedroom ended up being a storage place and also a workout room with a treadmill and a bike machine. After a year passed between 4th and 5th grade, we added 2 more animals into the household: Toby (my brother's cat) and Busty (another dog).

It's funny about that since we got them both on the same day. Here's what happened. During the summer after my second cousin Aramis was born, there was a stray cat in the alley that gave birth to a litter. My brother fell in love with the runt of the litter and as such he asked my mom and dad if we could get her (we thought that Toby was a girl and as such we called him Tinkerbell). She caved and we headed to a pet store in Franklin Park in which we saw a cute Cocker Spaniel puppy there that we thought was cute since he (we thought that Busty was a boy since that's what the tag said) would help in getting Buffy pregnant and as such we can have a litter of puppies. My mom saw him and we got Buster Brown Fabiani into our household. Well, the next few weeks, we sent them both to the vet and that's where we learned that the genders were completely wrong. Tinkerbell was a boy in which my brother renamed him Toby and then Buster was really a girl so as such we renamed her Busty. Anyways, in the house it was a bit of a zoo. I recall with the cat that I was always the one who fed the cat and cleaned the litter whereas my brother would just play with him. It was about 2 years until we got the second cat in our house in which that cat became more mine. The story behind Socks was that her old owner was driving around trying to find a home for this kitten. So she saw my brother and I outside playing and asked us if we could take the cat since the cat was abused by the woman's husband. If she didn't find a home for the cat, then the cat was going to be kicked out of the house and be a stray. When my brother and I saw her, she looked yucky and a bit tarnished. Well, we got my dad outside to see the cat and he caved. From there, Socks became a part of our family.

There was a joke in our family that our house was known as David's Arc since he had 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 birds, and an aquarium of fish. It was funny but yet we felt cool since we had a lot of animals in our house. There were times I recall that Toby would sleep on my brother's bed with Socks yet Socks after some time would move to my bed and curl up with me so that by morning, she would be there to wake me up.

Back to grade school, I did become an altar server in 4th grade which was fun since I got to go and help out in the church. I recall that I did the 8:30 am mass a lot since my mom thought it would be good to do that so we can have the afternoon to go and spend time with each other or go by my grandparents' place for dinner. After such time, I even got the chance to go do funerals during the day and as such I would get out of class to go do the service with the priests. They liked me and one other person a lot. We were honored to help them out in anyway possible.

It was during 1994-1995 in which my aunt and uncle who lived with my grandma decided to move to FL. They ended up moving down there and as such left my grandma in the apartment by herself. It was from then that we asked her to move in with us so that she can be with us. Grandma refused since she had her friends down in Chicago that she didn't want to leave behind. So as such during the summers until 8th grade was when my brother and I stayed with her and did whatever was needed. I recall one time that I helped out at St. Micheal's by being an altar server for the mass there one time.

While the years went on, I became a bit of a geek and as such I did get made fun of from them. While I don't recall a lot of the things between grades 3-5, but 6th and 7th grades were some of the brutal ones for me. Let's see what I can say from them. There were a few times in 6th grade that I had an accident (which I am embarrassed to say but it's the truth) and as such made some puddles which the kids mocked me for that. I was tortured for the most part and felt like I didn't belong at all. The worst was when I was considered by a lot of people to be uncool. I would break into tears and tattle which only made things worse for me. I recall how there were a few times in which my own brother would make fun of me. The worst was in 7th grade in which my brother did a practical joke on me. He used a red Crayola marker and marked my face. When I woke up, I was freaking out since I didn't know how it happened. My brother was giggling and kept dropping hints of me to wash my face but my mom and I ignored it. We decided to say that Socks (who had claws since Toby was declawed and neutered a few weeks after we got him) scratched my face. The worst was when Erick Cavada and Ernesto Perez decided to steal a few post-it notes from my teacher (Mrs. Levand), write "My cat whooped my ass", and place it on my back. I was laughed for the day in which I broke into tears. They apologized and I went on with the day in complete sadness. It was that night that my brother told me what he did. I wanted to kill him since he placed me through such hell. While I am reflecting on the bad times, I can say there were some good times too.

One of the good times that I recall here was in 6th grade. We ended up taking a field trip to go see "Julius Caesar" by Shakespeare after reading a few scenes in class. We were with other schools from the city and burbs from junior high and high school students enjoying the play. I recall that at the end of the play, there was a Q & A session in which a lot of the people were asking questions that were easy to answer. I recall that each question asked, the audience was laughing since the questions were a bit lame. After some time, I was called up to ask my question. I recall this so well since my classmates were amazed by me at that time. I asked "Why did Brutus have such a passion for killing Marc Anthony?". After I asked that question, no one laughed. They were impressed with my knowledge and as such the actors who played Brutus and Marc Anthony gave their interpretations as to why this was the case and why Shakespeare wrote in this style. I recall another time in which I had a fun time and impressed the people.

It was in 8th grade in which we had a show with the different classes and performed different songs. It was something that was optional to do. So I signed up along with a bunch of different people. For the song, we did "Greased Lightning" from Grease. My brother, who was supposed to take some good shots ended up taking the shots in which there were some problems. One of the pics that he took was that we had a random car made up and that fell apart somewhat. While that was not what I am referring to, it leads up to the part which I am talking about. If you have seen the movie, there is a part in which Danny and 2 guys on the side go forward and then jog backwards. Well, we had combs on the floor set so that with one part we could all slick up our hairs and be all cool. Well, I didn't expect the comb to be right in my path and I ended up slipping and landing on my right hand badly in which I sprained my wrist a bit (which my brother took a pic of that too). Anyways, I played it off ok and went on with the rest of the number and even with the final song of "We Go Together" as a final number for us, the graduating class of 1997. After the show, I began to complain a bit about the pain and they got me some ice for my wrist. My family and a lot of my classmates n their families asked if I was ok which I said yeah. It wasn't until I got into the car that I began to cry from the pain. While I didn't break anything, I was glad about that.

So I gave a bit about school, but you might be wondering why there is a tag of lactose intolerance. I plan to explain that here since it is a big part as to the end of grade school period. Anyways, here's what ended up happening. My family from Fall of 1995 up to recently kept noticing me take naps after eating, which is something not normal for me to do since they know I am a bundle of energy. We never really figured it out until I had to go the ER. It was in November of 1996 on a Monday night. I recall this so well since my family was watching Monday Night Nitro on TBS. My mom ordered pizza from the pizza place near our house. Well, I ate a ton of pizza and we began to watch the show. After about an hour, I felt bad in which my stomach was about to burst (didn't know but soon realized that it was gas that was building up in my stomach). I began to moan in pain and as such my family took me to the ER at Good Samaritan Hospital. It was there that they kept an eye on me for a bit. I was complaining about my stomach for awhile until midnight when I felt a bit better. I say a bit since they had to take blood from both arms after the first blood tests were bad because of the fact they missed the vein.

Anyways, we went home and saw the doctor to see what was wrong with me. I did the barium test and also a CAT scan. My mom and I saw an adult GI (gastrointestinal) doctor and he said that it was all in my head and I did it for attention. My mom didn't believe him since she knew that I hate needles. So after some time, she took me to a GI doctor that specialized with children after she heard from a co-worker that used him for her child. My mom thought what's the worst that can happen. We went in and he saw the test results and said that there had to be something else. So what he did was a test for a whole day. I first blew into a balloon to have a starting point. After that, he had me drink a cup of sugar in which the sugar was lactose. He then had me blow in another balloon and kept me doing that every half hour for 4 hours. Towards the end of the exam, my stomach was hurting in which I thought that it was hunger (partially true since I was hungry but also because of the lactose). I ended up going back to school to take my two tests that I missed that day and did well.

A few weeks later, the doctor told us that I was lactose intolerant. He said that I was one of the worst case scenarios since he had a chart. At the time I didn't understand the test but now I do and will have what was the test done at the bottom of this blog. Anyways, he said that a normal person with lactose intolerance would go off the scale in about 1.5 hours and back on after 3 hours. With me, I went of this scale in 1 hour. It gets better, trust me. Within 30 minutes, I was off the page in 1.5 hours. It wasn't until 3 hours after the test that I was finally back on the scale. I recall that it was a shocker since the med students that he had in the office at the time saw that chart and one of them said "Oh shit". I recall that so well. So after that, we had to plan lunches accordingly. So each day I would bring iced tea or fruit punch with me and give my milk to my brother. If there was a lunch that had cheese at all, I would give him that lunch and I would eat a sandwich. Of course, I was made fun of that since I looked like a weirdo not being able to eat that. Anyways, after that, I got used to it and managed for awhile (More of this to come in Act 3 since there's a bit more in high school times).

While school was one spot that I was mocked at for quite some time, there was another place that I did get made fun of with some of them. It was in Boy Scouts that I got mocked at. I was a Boy Scout here in which I had great times yet a few haunts from there, although it wasn't that bad since that ended early. The one thing that I recall being made fun of there was with one of the camping trips. We were setting up our sleeping bags and they called my spot the uncool spot. I cried and told the scoutmaster who scolded on the guys. They apologized yet gave me an evil look but towards the end of that trip, we got along ok and made peace. I would write more on this but I won't until Act 3.

So while during my 6 years of being in that school were not as bad as they seemed, I still felt a bit scarred from all that transpired. I felt hurt that I was never really able to fit in with the group of people. I tried to change but they still mocked me. So I guess that's why I hate rejection a lot here. It's because of the times that I felt rejected from them. That's why when I was going to start high school with new people again, I would change myself a bit so that I don't get hurt again. While that was the case that I was going to high school close to home, there was a part of me that wanted to go to the Catholic high schools since my friends were going there. While I haven't heard from any of my old friends, I have seen some of the ones who were classmates and a few seem to have changed in which I can now call them friends while some I don't know for sure but only time will tell.

That is all for me on this part here. I can't think of anything else to say for now about my times here. So I have summed up what I wanted to say for now. I shall post on my high school days in Act 3 from starting again in making new friends to becoming the person who became overly involved with school activities left and right.

So here's the information on the test that I took in order to find out how I became lactose intolerant. I got this info from Wikipedia. So hope you enjoy this.

A hydrogen breath test (or HBT) is used as a clinical medical diagnosis for people with irritable bowel syndrome, and common food intolerances. The test is simple, non-invasive, and is performed after a short period of fasting (typically 8-12 hours). Even though the test is normally known as a "Hydrogen Breath Test" some physicians may also test for methane in addition to hydrogen. Many studies have shown that some patients (approximately 35% or more) do not produce hydrogen but actually produce methane. Some patients produce a combination of the two gases. Other patients don't produce any gas, which are known as "Non-Responders"; some physicians believe that these individuals actually produce another gas which has not been determined yet. In addition to Hydrogen and Methane, some facilities also utilize Carbon Dioxide (CO2) in the patients' breath to determine if the breath samples that are being analyzed are not contaminated (either with room air or bronchial dead space air).

Lactose Malabsorption - the patient takes a base reading of hydrogen levels in his/her breath. The patient is then given a small amount of pure lactose (typically 20 to 25 g), and then required to take readings every 15, 30 or 60 minutes for two to three hours. If the level of hydrogen rises above 20 ppm (parts per million) over the lowest preceding value within the test period, the patient is typically diagnosed as a lactose malabsorber. If the patient produces methane then the parts per million for the methane typically rises 12 ppm over the lowest preceding value to be considered positive. If the patient produces both hydrogen and methane then the values are typically added together and the mean of the numbers is used to determine positive results, usually 15 ppm over the lowest preceding value.