My Life Story Thus Far Act 6: UIUC Days Part 2 [July 2003 - Dec 2003]

Not sure what can I say about the last blog that I forgot to mention anything. All I can say here really is that while the break-up was bad for me, I managed to keep a lot of the things that he gave me like a blanket that he got at a reservation out in AZ and a keychain from Canada. I even kept a picture frame that he gave me as a gift which I still use today here. I can't say that it was all bad but I still feel the sting from the break-up here. I recall one day developing some old rolls of film that I had from my first time in Champaign and a few other spots that I will mention in the next few entries here and I saw the pic I took of Robb and I kissing. I didn't really know how to perceive that at all here. Part of me felt great joy since it was taken during a romantic time yet at the same time part of me was angry with him since he never understood why I kept what I kept here. Anyways, in the end I just ripped the pics up and threw them away since I could never want to recall that at all here.

With that in mind, time to move on with the next section of my life. A part that I was never able to forgive myself until I graduated from school at UIC so many years later.

So after the break-up, I felt a bit low but at the same time I felt excited here since I kept telling myself here that I will be going back down to Champaign and start a new time in my life knowing what gender I prefer and also get a chance to work my ass off and not screw up this chance (which I did and will explain later on here). Near the middle of July I got the information on my new roommate who was from IL. Only thing was that he was from Dixon, IL (where Reagan came from for the most part) and we were different majors. Anyways, I did talk to him and we ended up being some good friends I can say here. We talked a bit by AIM and email to decide on who's bringing what and I decided to bring a bunch of the stuff over with me here. As soon as we got there, I brought my TV, tower, mini-fridge, rug, and other stuff that I needed to have some fun with my new roommate.

I moved in back at Allen Hall once more since I liked the dorm a lot here. Part of me thought that it would be good to be there again but a part of me thought I should have gone to a different dorm here. At the same time, I was happy to be back there since I made so many friends in there and it would be nice to be there again to make some new friends here. So I did some of the same events like last year like Quad Day, the big event at the main fitness center and few other things but at the same time things changed too since I didn't do any major partying here. I focused a bit more at school and doing the improv group along with forming my video gaming club.

I even started to hang out with people in the LGTB group at Allen Hall and at school since I wanted to get to know a few gay people. It was here that I crossed paths with Bruce one time (although I don't recall it too much here and he does, he won't show up in my life til 2 years later and he will have a big entry for him after my other ex is covered). It was here that I began to start using a few sites that were geared for gay people like gay.com and xy.com. It was on xy.com that I began to chat with someone on there who caught my eye in early September (I will explain a bit more about Justin in a later entry since he pretty much is still in my life today and in order to give a full account of him, I have to give him his own entry).

Going back to the topic of school, I thought things were going pretty well for me at school, at least I thought here. I was handling my classes for the most part and felt like nothing could shake me from my stronghold. I thought that with a dry-erase board to record my due dates, exams, and having a slight outline of my schedule, I have set myself up for some success. With all of that, I decided in mid September to set up a video game club at Allen Hall and for the university in which I called it Video Gamers Alliance. It was from here that I would make sure that people would meet up and have fun playing games. I ended up pulling together a Duck Hunt tourney in which it went pretty well even though I had a few people there. I ended up making sure that people were having fun and playing games and socializing with one another. I really got to network with people and got hooked on DDR for the first time.

I even managed to get Stepmania few weeks later and was enjoying all the song files that I got for the game and got pretty hooked on it here. My roommate even showed me how to make some files for the game since he saw I was getting into the series. October soon came along and I was hanging on to my classes since I was slipping a bit but not by much. I was also making sure to eat carefully so as not to get myself sick when need be by either doing ramen noodles in my room or going to McDonald's and getting an order of super size fries and a super size Coke. On weekends when my roommate would sleep in until noon, I would drag my TV into my closet since I had tape on the door so that I won't get locked in again (Long story short since I didn't explain it in Act 4, a friend of ours thought it would be funny that once I went inside my closet to shut it on me and lock me out. I was freaking out and my roommate unlocked me after finding my keys on my desk. I was so pissed off that I swore in the hallway where my RA heard and banned the guy from the room. I forgave him later on but never could trust him again.) and enjoyed watching the Saturday morning cartoons like a little kid eating breakfast with either Pop Tarts or cereal.

I even was a bit sneaky for food since I would keep a Tupperware dish in my backpack during some meals so that I can take some of the food that I can eat back to my room for either a snack or for a meal the next day. I even took silverware and dishes from there too. I was a bit sneaky but with my big backpack, no one would have guessed it. Moving on here, I enjoyed everything here the second time around since I was balancing it all here yet something still felt a bit quiet and that was my need to have my family around me.

After being home that one year, I felt a bit lost without them and as such every few weeks (would say about 5 times during that semester) I would visit them when I could and be with them. I know I came home a few times like for one of my brother's meets in which I did an open run for 1 mile or just to hang out with my family and watch the Bears game. I even came home a week after my birthday to celebrate it with them since I had a gaming event on my birthday and ended up cashing out my points to get drinks from the dorms to supply for everyone. I even ordered pizza and pokey sticks from my own money. It was a blast to recall since I was noticing I was improving my skills at DDR here.

November was coming up and I did a lot to keep up with my programming class since some of my programs weren't working right in which I realized why I was doing that bad here. Anyways, I continued to try my best and work hard in doing it so that I can stay another semester at U of I since it's a school that I felt at home with here. I did a lot here and had a full plate with stuff. I even pulled a few all-nighters here to try and remain focused with my classwork here. I even recall giving a tour to B and her students for the weekend. I even had a mini-gaming event in which they came to have some fun with games. It was a lot of fun and then I got into serious mode to work my ass off.

After some time, December came and I was in finals week trying to study my ass off so that I can pass my classes and stay another semester. After my last day with finals, I had my family pick me up and we headed home so I can hang out with friends and be with my family. I ended up getting my grades in January and I was devastated that I missed the GPA by only a few points. I tried my hardest to talk with the dean and see if they could overlook it but it was no use. I got kicked out of U of I and I was depressed. I even went back to the dorm to clean out my stuff and put it in the truck. I felt like giving up and calling it quits with my higher learning. I felt that I will never graduate and as such I felt like a failure here. It didn't help out that Justin broke up with me either. So I was really low and felt like I can talk to no one here except my friends but I would soon learn that there was trouble in that area too that will be mentioned in the next act.

So I guess that covers most of my time at Champaign for the second time. I gave it a shot but it was not good enough apparently. I do miss that school a lot and in some ways I think about what life would have been like if I was still down there. I don't know but I have made my peace with that for the most part here. So you know a bit of my second stumble and as such how I got really depressed as if I never wanted to come out from my rock here.

Next act will talk about my second time at Triton, the drama that went in Senate, my first trip to Boystown and also my first job outside of my dad's business. Guess that's all I have to say for now here. Enjoy the read and wait til next week for the next entry.

My Life Story Thus Far Act 5: Robb, My First In Some Areas [April 2003 - July 2003]

Act 4 brought in some big revelations as to my circumstances with school the first time I went downstate. I never shared it fully as I have on here to random strangers since I was always ashamed of this. I always told people that the first time I went down I got really sick and as such I ended up going back home to get better and be close to my family before I try again. The second I ended up going down there will be in Act 6 since that's a bit of a different story yet the same results happened and much more too. So let me move on with this act before going into details about the next act.

Now with things starting to go a bit decent in my life with school and starting to make new friends. I felt that it was time to start dating and see if I really did like dating guys here or if it was just something to seek attention since the opposite sex never found me attractive. Deep down I knew the truth but it never fully came out until I began to date Robb. Let me give you a bit of info on how I met Robb, what happened on our dates, and finally how we broke up.

I decided that in February 2002 that I would post up an ad on one of the many dating sites out there and try finding a guy to see what can happen. So I ended up placing an ad on American Singles and made it somewhat noticeable that I had my email on there just because I was not in the mood to pay $20.00 a month for something that I don't want my family to find out. At that time, I only had one checking account which my mom had access to the records to see what charges I made and all of that stuff. Anyways, I ended up one day getting an email from Robb who saw my profile near the end of Feb and we began to chat up a bit.



I'm showing a pic of him on here so that everyone can see how he looks like now. Back to the story, I ended up responding to him and found him somewhat interesting. We had a few things in common like the fact that we're both in school, we're big fans of Lord of the Rings, and we were around the same age group. It was pretty interesting to talk to him over AIM and email. One day in March, I decided to give him my cell number so that we could start talking over the phone and see what happens from there. We would talk for sometime and it was nice to hear someone who kinda understood my situation of not being out to my family yet and afraid of what could happen. We would talk about different things and one day in April he asked me out. I said sure and asked him to pick me up at Triton since if he would pick me up at home, I would have some explaining to do. So I ended up telling my folks that I would be with my friends at school for a bit before going out and hanging out with them for most of the day when I was done with classes. Robb ended up driving to Triton and picked me up. I know my friends were nervous for me since they didn't know what to expect. Hell, I didn't know either here. So I ended up going with him afer my friends grilled him for a bit.

We drove out to Dekalb since he was going to NIU at the time getting his degree out there. When we got to campus, he gave me a bit of a tour of where everything was at and also showed me around campus giving me some of his stories of Dekalb. He even told me about the haunted library that he worked at which made me seem a bit interested in him. After the campus tour, we went to eat at a Mexican restaurant where we talked. He asked me about school and I pretty much told him the story that I was telling just about everyone since I was ashamed to admit that I failed [which is that I got sick and as such headed back home after a year to get a bit better]. On the drive back home since it was getting a bit dark, we kissed for the first time and I knew then that I was no longer in the middle but more towards the gay side. As we got closer to home, we ended up going to a park right near my place for a bit more of making out before he dropped me off and headed back to Dekalb.

It was something that I liked a lot and decided to meet up with him again a few weeks later. We did go out and had a nice meal which followed with some making out too. It was after that second date that we made it official that we were dating and became a couple. I recall on the third date which happened in late May, early June that we went to his home in Mokena and he showed me around the area for a bit before taking me to his home where I got to meet his dad. I liked his dad a lot since he was very nice and welcomed me into his home. After sometime of eating there with his dad and watching movies, we were making out and slowly clothes were coming off until we were in our undies. I recall that at this time, he was about to take off my undies when I told him to hold it there since I was a bit uncomfortable. He was so apologetic about that since he forgot I was still new to all of this. That made me like him even more. We kept making out and laid in his bed in our undies til it was time for me to head back home.

I thought things were great and even on the 4th of July, he picked me up to take me to a fireworks display in Joliet with him and his friends. I enjoyed it completely since before we went there, we went to his place and we were completely naked in his bed. I thought that it was right since I was starting to come out of my shell more and more here. We even ended up sucking each other off for a good while. I even recalled talking to him about trying anal sex one time since we were doing good. So I thought things were great.

Well, the middle of July came and I got my acceptance letter from Champaign saying that I was able to come back down after they reviewed my transcripts at Triton and read my letter. I was really excited that it was happening that I told Robb about it. I even then decided to tell him the truth and confess to him that the story I told him was a lie since I was afraid of admitting to myself that I failed and that I wanted him to know what really happened. His response was not what I was hoping for here. Instead of saying something like "I am a bit upset with you about you keeping this from me yet I understand why you did it. Nothing is going to change my mind about you.", he ended up writing an email to me breaking up with me saying that it was over. I felt so shattered since I was starting to accept my mistake and he ended up making me so very low here.

I tried to talk to him a few days later but he made up his mind and just like that the relationship died. I know that in the following months I kept in some contact with him as he began to date a guy at school which we soon broke contact completely. I know I have him as a friend on Facebook and Myspace right now but I am never sure if I will really talk to him or if he will talk to me. I know I do owe him thanks for helping me start to break out of my gay shell and start walking in the doors of the gay world but in a lot of ways, I owe a greater deal of thanks to Justin, my next ex and one of my closest best friends that I have in my life along with Bruce (another ex). Those two you will learn later on in this life story that I am writing here.

So as such, Act 5 is now complete and the curtain drops on this part of my story. Act 6 will pretty much contain a lot of details as to my second trip to Champaign, my relationship with Justin, and a few other things that I think I can add on here. It will also contain the information as to the outcome from that semester at school and also what I dealt with after everything transpired. So stay tuned for the next part here all.