Everyone got to see how my time was spent in high school. I was a busy kid with AP classes, sports, and a ton of activities that it seemed to have taken a lot out of me but somehow I made it through with shining colors here. I need to add a few details that I forgot to add in Act 3. For one thing, I had a great deal of friends at school which made my time there a lot of fun but grew really close with the cross country team and my few choir friends that I had. I also need to make a note on here that my junior year brought a different change for me too. Before I started my junior year in high school, I know that my brother and I were doing a great deal of altar serving in the 8:00 am mass and a lot of the church-goers knew us pretty well and saw us as great kids doing a great service to the church. It was from our dedication to being there on time that we were lucky to have been in the mass when Cardinal Francis George gave mass there. Anyways, that August before I started my junior year and my brother started his freshman year, we decided together that we were going to retire as altar servers. We told the priest that we were retiring at the end of the month since the new schedule was not made yet. Anyway that last Sunday, my brother and I did everything like what we were supposed to do and helped out. After Communion, he made the announcement that we were done after today which was something that shocked my brother, my mom and me. After the mass, some of the ladies thanked us for doing what we did and gave us a hug for everything. We even got some handshakes from some of the other churchgoers too. It was a nice day there.
Had to say something about that since it was something that I recall to this day on since it was sense of pride for doing something like this especially as long as I did it here. I knew many of the people I went to grade school with stopped after 8th grade or after their freshman year so for these people to thank me for keeping this up til the time I did was amazing.
That's what I needed to add to my third act of my life story thus far.
After graduation, I felt like I was on top of the world. I had gotten accepted to a great school that is considered to be a scholastic achievement. The school takes the top 20% of each school and gives them a chance to be a student in their school. I felt like I was ready to take on the challenges that were ahead of me and take them with stride here. That summer, I went to the summer camp along with a few other graduated seniors since we didn't want to say goodbye to the team just yet. I know that my brother signed up for camp since he liked track a lot and wanted to try cross country too especially since he would experience a coach that I can consider being a second father. So I did the runs and worked hard making sure that my brother would be ok in doing the work-outs too before I headed downstate.
Once that time came for me to move down to Champaign, I began to do a lot of things from packing stuff up that I would need for the dorms to buying my first laptop (a very old computer with Windows 98 n only like 5 gigs of hard drive space) to even getting some extra things for the walls. Well, when I got there on a Sunday for move-in day it was a bit of mass hysteria since I didn't know how things were going. I ended up having the people load stuff up on the cart and take it to my room with exception of my laptop.
So I checked in, met my roommate (I should break here and describe my roommate. His name is Jason and he was from NY. I know that he was in the rich area and was in Electrical Engineering while I was a Computer Engineering major so we were together for majors for the most part since our classes were about the same yet I only got some interests in his likings to Weezer and Radiohead. Beyond that, we really didn't click too well.) and got talking to some people. I met my RA and felt like he was a nice guy. I had a great deal of fun within those first few days since I checked out a lot of different things. On Monday, I went to the main fitness center since there were some big things going on out there and I hung out with my roommate and some of his friends there and saw all the different things out there. On Tuesday, I ended up hitting the Quad and did a lot of different things from signing up for clubs to doing a Big Brother program (will write on that a bit later). Anyways, it was there that I joined the fraternity Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia. While I can share on some things, most things I will keep silent on since it is a secret in the frat that I cannot share with anyone but my fellow brothers.
So let's move on from that point to a new one here. So it was during that time that I did a lot of things from the pledging to the Big Brother program to my improv troupe Like Disco But Not Really to even doing choir and other activities that I never used my time well to focus on studying or being good with classes. I thought that I would be able to pull it out in the end like in high school. That's why most weekends I attended parties and got drunk or hung out with people and did stuff or even ended up going home once in awhile to be with the family. I recall one time going home from a party and ended up bumping into an old high school classmate in which I drank more and even did some chewing tobacco. Later on that night, I hit the Subway since it was open until 4 am and got a sub sandwich. I ate that and right in the middle of the quad ended up throwing up horribly.
I even recall 9/11 since it was my first semester away from being at home. I recall waking up and getting ready for classes when my RA asked if I heard what was happening. That was when I went to his room and saw the TV with all that was going on. I was in shock of all of that and could not believe it. I recall that after all my classes, I was on my computer watching the events unfold on my laptop here. I was glued on there at night with headphones on so that I can listen to everything.
It was there that I did a lot and after my first semester, I ended up failing badly. I got a 1.95 GPA and was placed on probation. I felt guilty about it and thought that by cutting out a few activities and setting a few things back while taking on more hours I would be ok. Well, I kept my bad habits going here. While doing the Big Brother program, I saw the kid a few times and hung out with him but I wasn't there enough to be a true influence and that was bad on my part. It was even there that I began to discover more of me being gay with the discovery of gay porn and paying for subscriptions here. It didn't go well since mom saw the charges and I ended up making it sound like someone did it as a joke. It was a bad thing there. So I worked a bit harder and even thought that having a dry-erase board right by me would help me keep track of deadlines but that wasn't the case. I know that even in that semester I downloaded a ton of music here and it was a great deal since I used Rhapsody to get my tunes.
Well, I tried my best and ended up failing out since I bombed 2 classes here. I felt devastated here to the utmost here since I have never failed in anything in my life like that. I was not sure what to do since I was a bit heavy and depressed. I wanted to take the summer off so that I could figure something out but my mom forced me to go back to school and enrolled me in Triton to take some classes in order to get myself working on bettering myself and be ready for the new semester at UIUC by taking the year at Triton and then petitioning back there.
So I decided to take my mom's advice and go to school for the summer and take a few classes there. I took a full summer's load here by taking Calculus I, Introduction to Programming (since that's what I wanted to do), and Introduction to Computational Mathematics (dealt a lot with logic problems like IF-THEN, AND, OR, and NOT statements). It was during the summer that I began to see myself doing a bit better in the classes and began to work hard making sure to get stuff done since my mom was on my ass making sure I didn't slack off and fall behind in my work. After that summer, I saw that I not only passed all my classes with straight A's but that I was losing the weight a bit since my depression was starting to clear up a bit. I even began to hang out with my friends from high school that I was close with and we were talking about a lot of different things like how I knew I was gay and when it first dawned on me. It was a good time for me and as such began to change a lot on my life here.
It was in the fall semester that things began to change for me here. For the most part, I was driven to school either by my friend Becky or my dad. I was lucky that my classes were done after 1:30pm since my dad would pick me up and take me home so that I could eat a bit before I get on my bike and ride off to my old high school to help out the team as a manager/stats stringer. It was from doing this that my brother and I got a bit closer and it was here that I got pretty close to the whole team. I was there just about every day and at every meet ready to help out and record the times for meets and workouts. I was even lucky to have my tower to my own self since I was able to use Works or Office to make my sheets that I used for the times and everything. From doing this, I got to run and lose more weight plus get in a better mood since it was a great way to cure my depression here.
Of course the end of October came and the season was over, so I needed to find something else to do with my free time. After finding out that Becky joined student government, I joined about a week later and signed up for a few of the committees which was pretty cool. I was enjoying the fun there by hanging out with some of the people there and making new friends with people like Alecia and Jerissa. It was a great deal of fun with them since I got close with them and they were seeing a side of me that I never showed. I even was able to slowly come out to them and use the computers in the Senate office to check out profiles online for dating.
After a few months, I got close to everyone and considered a good chunk of the people to be friends and acquaintances while Jennifer, Alecia, Jerissa, and I got to be very close friends. On the other hand, Becky and I began to drift apart a bit. It was until one meeting for the committee that things really got out of hand here. What happened is that Becky was upset with a decision that the Budget Committee made on a professor's application for the Senate which was late. Becky wanted us to look at it and consider it for vote but we all agreed that since the application was late, we should pass on it and move on. Well, that set off a ton of sparks for her and she left the meeting early for that. With that happening, we were down one person for the votes but pretty much approved the rest of the budgets that were dropped off. That following week, we had a committee meeting with Becky and the Technology Committee in which she was a bit sour from the day before. When the meeting started, Jerissa was sitting in the meeting in which Becky was not happy about that at all. Things were getting pretty heated between the two of them and it was not looking very good. She ended up storming out of the office and we had to cancel the meeting from what happened. Later on that day in an attempt to make my mind change, I heard from Jen that Becky was talking about me being out which was uncool (I now know that I was the one sharing information about that to the Senate and for that Becky, I do apologize for that) and I felt betrayed. It was there that she was not happy with me for staying on their side of everything and as such things were bad.
On the day that we have our usual Senate meeting, Becky called my cell and she gave me an ultimatum between voting on impeaching her and losing our friendship or keeping her in office and dealing with the chaos. I was very upset of it all and felt trapped in a corner here. In the end, I abstained my vote but with the shortage of votes, the impeachment did not go through. At the end of the meeting, Becky gave her letter of resignation and she left Senate. I ended up taking over her chair position and ran the committee pretty well until the end of the year. It was a good time for me here and I felt glad to do something like that.
I would talk about my first boyfriend Robb in this point but I feel that talking about my exes would be a different act in this life story that I'm writing here, which would most likely be the next act since it is a bit important to talk about him and put in some details as to how we met and everything like that here.
So with the end of the spring semester and the end of my year stay at Triton, I felt that Champaign was ready for my comeback. I wanted to return there to work on my degree with a new sense of accomplishment and a sense of pride and dedication to my studies. I felt that with my past somewhat behind me, I was able to go on and work on my degree with no problems whatsoever. So in April, I began to write my petition letter to the College of Engineering pleading with them to take me back and allow me to work on my CS degree there since I have said that I am ready to work hard and do what is needed to be a successful student here. It was in June that I got my letter of acceptance back to Champaign which made me proud and happy. I felt glad to be returning back down there and to experience all that the school I held with pride in my heart here. I ended up telling my new friends about this and they were happy for me that I was doing this yet sad to see me go down there but in the end they knew that U of I was where I wanted to be at and where my heart desired to go. So I hung out with them a few more times in the summer while I did summer school again and it was a great time for me to enjoy my last days with them before Champaign started up in August. I felt ready to take on UIUC again and this time be successful since I learned from my mistakes here.
So thus ends Act 4 here for everyone. I was hoping to make this be a very long entry covering 2001-2004 but then the entry would be humongous. That is why I broke it up into 2 parts for now. Anyways, you will learn in Act 5 all about Robb, my first boyfriend and how we came to meet and the break-up that happened. Act 6 will contain a lot about my second trip to UIUC and the aftermath of that. So stay tuned to all that I write here since the next updates will kinda reveal a lot about why I lost myself in so many ways and took many years to find my old self again or at least something like it.
9/11/09
Thoughts On My Twitter Post From Yesterday
So I said that I was gonna write about this post that I made on Twitter yesterday but things came up and I postponed it. Besides, I had to go through the recordings that I made to see what I was saying and write what I felt needed to be said. For the most part, I liked what I said but glad the videos didn't go up. So I leave you here with what I said. Although it's not what I said in the recording, I feel that the meaning is still there.
Here's the post I made:
i hate this feeling im in right now. i feel like nothings going how i wished this were. will write blog on this thought more when i get home11:33 AM Sep 10th from txt
and here's my blog.
So imagine if you were in a part looking up at the sky underneath a few trees...
Looking at this tree and the sky, it seems to be coming to me with many variations. I can see how the tree is life and each branch represents a different path that I can go. While the outcome is always the same in death, it's the path length and the difficulties that seem to give us the great challenge. Certain branches have smooth bark and a leaf at the end in which things look great. There are some branches that have that same smoothness yet the leaves are chewed up on and there are a few branches that have rough bark and could possibly have a leaf or in the case of one branch, no leaves at all. I feel that right now I am in a standstill and that I am on that branch that has very rough bark and looks like my branch is going to be one with no leaves at all.
I know it sounds a bit crazy to say this but lately I just have been having this feeling along with the thoughts that pop into my head of "what if". I don't know why I do the "what if's here but it's something that I tend to do a lot especially when I feel a bit depressed and feel like nothing is going right for me here. There have been many "what if"s that have popped in my head from time to time but as of late I have been having a few major "what if"s that I can't seem to shake off or let go. I feel that I need to elaborate on this since I haven't gone into much details.
WHAT IF #1: What if I didn't fail out of school the first or second time?
This is one that seems to have been on my mind for many years and while I have pushed it to the side, it somehow in my darkest hours find and taunt me relentlessly. As you will learn in Part 4 of my life story (which will be coming out soon as soon as I have the chance to write and revise it), I went to Champaign, IL for school at U of I on two separate occasions here. Anyways, the what if that seems to plague me is where would I be if I went to school there still. Would I have finished my degree as I originally planned? Would I have gotten that job in my field? Would I have been with someone else or with Justin [someone you will learn in Part 4]? Would my family be ok with what my lifestyle is like [this is a what if that I will explain later on in this entry]? I don't know and while I should remain focused on the present, I can't help but to think as to what would my life be like if that route was there for me.
WHAT IF #2: What if I stayed with one of my exes?
The exes are supposed to remain in the past yet for some reason I sometimes think about this. In part 4 and beyond (since I don't know how long my life story will be), I have been with a few people in a serious relationship. There are some who I don't want to be in a relationship again (Robb) while there are some who I wish I was still with (Justin, Bruce, Aaron). I will say something about Robb, I am happy that he and I didn't last since he made me feel bad that I told him something after I was able to admit to myself that I screwed up in school (learn more about it in Part 4). Anyways, I tend to think about these three guys and realized that I do still have some strong feelings for these guys. I tend to think about the "what if" with these guys since they were there for me and still are which is something that I feel proud of here. I guess I think about this too since each one of them gave me the idea of a second chance yet with each one it was different. With Justin, I was hesitant in taking that shot since someone dissuaded me from going for it (and learned that the guy had the hots for him). As such, I decided that Justin would be a friend since I don't think we'd be a good match since we're a bit too much alike. With Aaron, I know I kinda shot it down in the past since we broke up after having a fight and at that time I was just wanting to end it fully yet now I have him as a close friend who I can always count on with some wisdom and a great deal of patience. Yet it is with Bruce where I feel in a lot of ways the most amount of regret here.
I would hold this off until Part 4 or whatever part I write him in but I feel that I need to talk about him since it's important. We met online on gay.com and began to chat. We first met in person after he lost his job with WaMu and he was on the Brown Line (CTA trains for those not familiar with Chicago subway system). Well, we talked and made out on the train for a good while. It was funny though since when we got to the stop where I can transfer to the train that would take me home, I was a bit hard from that make out session. Well, I ended up heading to his place after the end of summer school and we made out amongst other things and we became a serious couple. He had a lot on his plate at that time with a new stressful job, his mom's passing and now a BF who was half the time there and the other half stressing about his family nagging (another what if here that will be addressed). After awhile, he became a bit withdrawn and as such I did something stupid and cheated on him. He found out and I did confess and we kinda broke up.
Well, fast forward to spring 2008. It was around this time that he and I have been really close and best friends. It was about this time that he kinda asked me about maybe going at it again. I wanted to go ahead and say yes but part of my fears were holding me back mainly within two spots: family and my past mistake haunting me. So I say that I would want to keep it as friends. Well, I regretted the decision I made here since he ended with a guy he's happy with now and is living with him (have met the guy and he's nice even though the guy doesn't like me for something I said one day at Bruce's birthday party as a joke). So I feel like a dummy that I let him go but I have to move on from this point on and see what happens with someone new. Still I wonder what would have happened if I did say yes to him. Would my family have been ok with me dating a guy? Would I be commuting like crazy from Kankakee to Chicago to home regularly? I can't say what would have happened since it's just a what if yet I can't help but wonder about it here.
WHAT IF #3: What if my parents knew about me being gay?
This is one that seems to haunt me a lot here since I never know what I can do here anymore. It's something that is chewing me out like crazy and is driving me nuts beyond a reasonable doubt here. Let me explain this here since it's something that I cannot go into detail without a history lesson in my life.
I came out to mom in a letter saying that I was bi and she thought it was just a phase. A few years later I came to her and told her about a romp with a guy (kept it to just heavy petting n make out even though it was more than that) and it didn't go well. It went bad too when I got arrested for trying to do it with a guy in the restroom and got arrested for almost doing something here. It only made matters worse to the point where one day she found an entry of the breakup with Aaron n she began to complain about it all with the lying I did (since I knew she was going to be doing this if she ever found out).
While mom has an idea of this stuff happening, I don't think she will ever be ready to accept the concept that I'm gay. This has been a big issue for me as to what she would say and do if she ever found out. I think to myself that she would be crying and blaming herself for what happened since she let me have friends that she didn't like or my worst fear of getting kicked out of the house and trying to find a new place to live. I know in the past I feared that she would do that and that I would be out on my own with no way of being able to finish school or even pay it and have tons of debt. In fact, I still fear that because I don't think things will be ok with us.
I am close with my mom and family yet I don't know how they would fell about that at all or even how they would handle it if also brought a guy over. So I am left to stay inside my closet with my family until the day comes when I am able to be on my own two feet and can say it to them without the fear of consequences as much.
So I wrote down my thoughts that I needed to write here about why I made that post when I did. Hope this gives people an idea as to what's going on in my head and paint some pretty pics. So I am done here for now. Take care all and catch you later.
Here's the post I made:
i hate this feeling im in right now. i feel like nothings going how i wished this were. will write blog on this thought more when i get home11:33 AM Sep 10th from txt
and here's my blog.
So imagine if you were in a part looking up at the sky underneath a few trees...
Looking at this tree and the sky, it seems to be coming to me with many variations. I can see how the tree is life and each branch represents a different path that I can go. While the outcome is always the same in death, it's the path length and the difficulties that seem to give us the great challenge. Certain branches have smooth bark and a leaf at the end in which things look great. There are some branches that have that same smoothness yet the leaves are chewed up on and there are a few branches that have rough bark and could possibly have a leaf or in the case of one branch, no leaves at all. I feel that right now I am in a standstill and that I am on that branch that has very rough bark and looks like my branch is going to be one with no leaves at all.
I know it sounds a bit crazy to say this but lately I just have been having this feeling along with the thoughts that pop into my head of "what if". I don't know why I do the "what if's here but it's something that I tend to do a lot especially when I feel a bit depressed and feel like nothing is going right for me here. There have been many "what if"s that have popped in my head from time to time but as of late I have been having a few major "what if"s that I can't seem to shake off or let go. I feel that I need to elaborate on this since I haven't gone into much details.
WHAT IF #1: What if I didn't fail out of school the first or second time?
This is one that seems to have been on my mind for many years and while I have pushed it to the side, it somehow in my darkest hours find and taunt me relentlessly. As you will learn in Part 4 of my life story (which will be coming out soon as soon as I have the chance to write and revise it), I went to Champaign, IL for school at U of I on two separate occasions here. Anyways, the what if that seems to plague me is where would I be if I went to school there still. Would I have finished my degree as I originally planned? Would I have gotten that job in my field? Would I have been with someone else or with Justin [someone you will learn in Part 4]? Would my family be ok with what my lifestyle is like [this is a what if that I will explain later on in this entry]? I don't know and while I should remain focused on the present, I can't help but to think as to what would my life be like if that route was there for me.
WHAT IF #2: What if I stayed with one of my exes?
The exes are supposed to remain in the past yet for some reason I sometimes think about this. In part 4 and beyond (since I don't know how long my life story will be), I have been with a few people in a serious relationship. There are some who I don't want to be in a relationship again (Robb) while there are some who I wish I was still with (Justin, Bruce, Aaron). I will say something about Robb, I am happy that he and I didn't last since he made me feel bad that I told him something after I was able to admit to myself that I screwed up in school (learn more about it in Part 4). Anyways, I tend to think about these three guys and realized that I do still have some strong feelings for these guys. I tend to think about the "what if" with these guys since they were there for me and still are which is something that I feel proud of here. I guess I think about this too since each one of them gave me the idea of a second chance yet with each one it was different. With Justin, I was hesitant in taking that shot since someone dissuaded me from going for it (and learned that the guy had the hots for him). As such, I decided that Justin would be a friend since I don't think we'd be a good match since we're a bit too much alike. With Aaron, I know I kinda shot it down in the past since we broke up after having a fight and at that time I was just wanting to end it fully yet now I have him as a close friend who I can always count on with some wisdom and a great deal of patience. Yet it is with Bruce where I feel in a lot of ways the most amount of regret here.
I would hold this off until Part 4 or whatever part I write him in but I feel that I need to talk about him since it's important. We met online on gay.com and began to chat. We first met in person after he lost his job with WaMu and he was on the Brown Line (CTA trains for those not familiar with Chicago subway system). Well, we talked and made out on the train for a good while. It was funny though since when we got to the stop where I can transfer to the train that would take me home, I was a bit hard from that make out session. Well, I ended up heading to his place after the end of summer school and we made out amongst other things and we became a serious couple. He had a lot on his plate at that time with a new stressful job, his mom's passing and now a BF who was half the time there and the other half stressing about his family nagging (another what if here that will be addressed). After awhile, he became a bit withdrawn and as such I did something stupid and cheated on him. He found out and I did confess and we kinda broke up.
Well, fast forward to spring 2008. It was around this time that he and I have been really close and best friends. It was about this time that he kinda asked me about maybe going at it again. I wanted to go ahead and say yes but part of my fears were holding me back mainly within two spots: family and my past mistake haunting me. So I say that I would want to keep it as friends. Well, I regretted the decision I made here since he ended with a guy he's happy with now and is living with him (have met the guy and he's nice even though the guy doesn't like me for something I said one day at Bruce's birthday party as a joke). So I feel like a dummy that I let him go but I have to move on from this point on and see what happens with someone new. Still I wonder what would have happened if I did say yes to him. Would my family have been ok with me dating a guy? Would I be commuting like crazy from Kankakee to Chicago to home regularly? I can't say what would have happened since it's just a what if yet I can't help but wonder about it here.
WHAT IF #3: What if my parents knew about me being gay?
This is one that seems to haunt me a lot here since I never know what I can do here anymore. It's something that is chewing me out like crazy and is driving me nuts beyond a reasonable doubt here. Let me explain this here since it's something that I cannot go into detail without a history lesson in my life.
I came out to mom in a letter saying that I was bi and she thought it was just a phase. A few years later I came to her and told her about a romp with a guy (kept it to just heavy petting n make out even though it was more than that) and it didn't go well. It went bad too when I got arrested for trying to do it with a guy in the restroom and got arrested for almost doing something here. It only made matters worse to the point where one day she found an entry of the breakup with Aaron n she began to complain about it all with the lying I did (since I knew she was going to be doing this if she ever found out).
While mom has an idea of this stuff happening, I don't think she will ever be ready to accept the concept that I'm gay. This has been a big issue for me as to what she would say and do if she ever found out. I think to myself that she would be crying and blaming herself for what happened since she let me have friends that she didn't like or my worst fear of getting kicked out of the house and trying to find a new place to live. I know in the past I feared that she would do that and that I would be out on my own with no way of being able to finish school or even pay it and have tons of debt. In fact, I still fear that because I don't think things will be ok with us.
I am close with my mom and family yet I don't know how they would fell about that at all or even how they would handle it if also brought a guy over. So I am left to stay inside my closet with my family until the day comes when I am able to be on my own two feet and can say it to them without the fear of consequences as much.
So I wrote down my thoughts that I needed to write here about why I made that post when I did. Hope this gives people an idea as to what's going on in my head and paint some pretty pics. So I am done here for now. Take care all and catch you later.
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