Note: I know it has been ages since I last posted something online on here and on my blog on Blogger but I should explain what happened. I would have written more about my life story continuing from Disney in 2005 but I got hit with a writer’s block and as such felt restricted on what to write and to some of the details that happened since a lot happened down there for me that pretty much changed me into who I am today. The other thing that seemed to affect my blogging is my job. I work full-time and during my 2 days off, I try to do other things and as such have let my creativity take a break. So today was strange in that I had this strange urge to write down my thoughts and keep them alive throughout the day. I would have actually vlog’ed it but my phone did not have a good enough charge and as such I felt words would be best. So with this post, I am committing to trying once in awhile write down some thoughts when I can, work on my life story thus far, and also maybe even work on my art so that I can have more things coming from here and showing up out there in the cyber world. Now on with the rest of the blog
As a child, I have always heard about how I will be successful in whatever I decide to do. Family, teachers, and even strangers that have seen me grow up would say how I was very kind, courteous, and smart. So when I heard about Northwestern University at a young age, I thought that would be cool since it was a great school. Some of my dad’s family went there and went on to do great things and as such so would I. I kept that dream within myself for a long time until high school came along in which I had to change the dream from this school that I had a strong desire to go to towards the best in-state school (U of I) so that the scholarship my dad got for me and the US Department of Veterans’ Affairs would help pay for most of the costs while family dealt with the rest. This was in early 1999 before I ever took the ACT.
I had a small chance to see Northwestern one time in 2002 when a member of my frat and I went up to check out a ritual out there. It was a great time and I got to see the snow fall on the campus. I never really got the chance to really walk around but it was nice to be a bit close to the actual campus. From then on, my life changed in which I failed from U of I, went to Triton, and after all of the trials and tribulations I graduated in 2009.
So today, I was supposed to hang out with a friend but since he was feeling under the weather, we had to break plans. Originally, I was thinking of going to Gurnee Mills or the Outlet Mall in Huntley since I didn’t feel like going home. After some driving along I-294 North (since I was thinking of doing Gurnee Mills and then leaving like around 330 or so to head home), I changed my mind and instead headed to a few places that I have never really gone to. First I went to Nickel City which is Capcom’s arcade place (didn’t care for it too much here) and played a few games. After 40 min or so, I left there and decided to head over to the trains since I was still out exploring. I ended up driving my car to Skokie and took the Yellow Line train to Howard and then ended up taking the Purple Line to one of the stations that would put me close to Northwestern University campus since it’s a train I rarely take and felt like checking things out.
Once I got to the campus, I began to walk around and see some of the buildings from the outside and I was really impressed with how everything looked. From walking through this campus and seeing some of the dorms, the technology building, and a few others (didn’t go inside since I thought I would stick out since I had the look of a tourist on my face) I felt a sense of joy from the inner child in me for seeing the campus.
It was on the walk and train ride back to Howard St station (and add in the ride on the Red Line to 95th St and back) that I began to ponder. I began to think as to how things would have been if I was able to go to Northwestern. I had the big question of “how will my life be different from how it is now” and while that is fun to think of from time to time, I am where I am today from all that has happened. I know that if that path happened, I would be very different and have a different set of experiences which would lead to a different Tony.
Still, I felt good in being there at least to please my inner child for a few brief moments. Who knows what the future will hold for me since I could be returning there in the future if my child does decide to go there or if I go for a different degree. I know I just have to let my life continue on the path I am now and strive for success in my life.
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
7/17/10
1/2/10
2009 Year-In-Review & Hopes For 2010
So I should have done this last night but I was lazy and forgot to do it so here. I feel that I should do it now while I have the chance and fill in on these two parts as one big entry here. With that said, on with the show.
So I have to say that 2009 was filled with some good n bad times here for me. It felt though more bad times but somehow through all of that, I have made it to the end and realized that if I can survive that, I know I will stand and accept what 2010 has to offer. In order to talk about 2010, I need to reflect on both the good n bad of 2009.
The first I can say that I was most grateful for was the fact that I finished school here. As you have seen from my blog entries that it has taken me 8 years of going to different schools, failing, a semester break for Disney, and even going part-time for a year and half cost me a lot here but in the end I am grateful to have my degree. I have to say that I shed my tears after seeing that diploma case in my hands and able to say that I did it.
Another good thing about this year that I can say is Bath & Body Works, my current place of employment. They took me in September 2008 after I left KB Toys. They helped me out in giving me hours and giving me a good pay rate. While I left for a month to work at Petco, when I decided to leave there and return back to my store they took me in and welcomed me back into the fold. I even had the chance of this holiday season being a seasonal manager. It was a great time for me and it helped me remember why I enjoy the store and how to be a good team leader that I know I can be here.
While I had a few good times, 2009 gave me many woes and pains. The first of which is Aaron. I won't go into details about that but I know he hurt me twice and while I have come to terms of forgiving him fully for all and even forgiving myself since I may have caused the damage as well. In the end I know that in order for the new year to go right, I need to leave him in 2009 and not look back. Need to move forward on with my life.
The second thing I guess I can say in which 2009 gave me woes was with Petco. Again, I will refrain from many details but I felt like crap when working there. I saw no warmth from the manager. The only people who truly made me feel welcomed were the associates. Beyond that, none of the managers or even the training manager made feel like I was truly part of the store. To Liz, Jessica, n Nicole of Bloomingdale Petco, I have just a few choice words to say: you need to have better interpersonal skills with new people and fuck you bitches since you all had poles shoved up your asses that you need to pull out.
I guess the third and final bad thing about 2009 was the fact that after graduating I was not able to find a job in my field. As much as I tried, I had no luck in getting a job in my field. So I had to stay in retail which is fine but I feel that retail has served its purpose. I need to move from here and go forth into new ventures.
With that last thought on 2009, I need to think of 2010. I have made a few ideas on what I want to do and as such I need to be a firm believer that I can achieve these goals with no problems whatsoever. Firstly, I hope that 2010 will bring me a full-time job somewhere. While, something says Bath & Body Works as a manager is going to happen, I would really like something that I can use my degree. Don't get me wrong, if BBW gives me something I will take it but I would prefer my field.
The second goal for 2010 is that I plan to get some of my bills paid off. I have been in debt for far too long. It is time for me to dig myself out of my hole and get myself back on solid ground. That way I can be somewhat out of there and be able to say that I made a major dent in my $10,000 debt that I have here.
The third thing that I want to do in 2010 is to move out of my house and get a place of my own. I know it sounds bad but I know that in order to truly be myself and have a serious boyfriend, I need to have my own place. I can't keep lying to my family about where I'm going or what I'm doing here. I know that with my own place, I can come out and deal with the fallout that my family will unleash (if any since I don't know how they will react here).
The final thing I can say that I hope for 2010 is that I would like to find someone who I can finally settle down with here. While I do enjoy hooking up when I get the chance, I would rather prefer myself to be with someone for the long-haul here since I do want that companionship and that white-picket fenced house. I could do that on my own but I want a guy for my own who I know I love deeply and know that he will be there for me as how I will be there for him.
Guess I have done enough reflecting and thinking for now on these two entries that have merged into one. Hope that your 2010 is a good one for you all my readers and stay tuned for the next entry in my life story. I am in the process of working on it and hope to have it out soon. Take care all.
So I have to say that 2009 was filled with some good n bad times here for me. It felt though more bad times but somehow through all of that, I have made it to the end and realized that if I can survive that, I know I will stand and accept what 2010 has to offer. In order to talk about 2010, I need to reflect on both the good n bad of 2009.
The first I can say that I was most grateful for was the fact that I finished school here. As you have seen from my blog entries that it has taken me 8 years of going to different schools, failing, a semester break for Disney, and even going part-time for a year and half cost me a lot here but in the end I am grateful to have my degree. I have to say that I shed my tears after seeing that diploma case in my hands and able to say that I did it.
Another good thing about this year that I can say is Bath & Body Works, my current place of employment. They took me in September 2008 after I left KB Toys. They helped me out in giving me hours and giving me a good pay rate. While I left for a month to work at Petco, when I decided to leave there and return back to my store they took me in and welcomed me back into the fold. I even had the chance of this holiday season being a seasonal manager. It was a great time for me and it helped me remember why I enjoy the store and how to be a good team leader that I know I can be here.
While I had a few good times, 2009 gave me many woes and pains. The first of which is Aaron. I won't go into details about that but I know he hurt me twice and while I have come to terms of forgiving him fully for all and even forgiving myself since I may have caused the damage as well. In the end I know that in order for the new year to go right, I need to leave him in 2009 and not look back. Need to move forward on with my life.
The second thing I guess I can say in which 2009 gave me woes was with Petco. Again, I will refrain from many details but I felt like crap when working there. I saw no warmth from the manager. The only people who truly made me feel welcomed were the associates. Beyond that, none of the managers or even the training manager made feel like I was truly part of the store. To Liz, Jessica, n Nicole of Bloomingdale Petco, I have just a few choice words to say: you need to have better interpersonal skills with new people and fuck you bitches since you all had poles shoved up your asses that you need to pull out.
I guess the third and final bad thing about 2009 was the fact that after graduating I was not able to find a job in my field. As much as I tried, I had no luck in getting a job in my field. So I had to stay in retail which is fine but I feel that retail has served its purpose. I need to move from here and go forth into new ventures.
With that last thought on 2009, I need to think of 2010. I have made a few ideas on what I want to do and as such I need to be a firm believer that I can achieve these goals with no problems whatsoever. Firstly, I hope that 2010 will bring me a full-time job somewhere. While, something says Bath & Body Works as a manager is going to happen, I would really like something that I can use my degree. Don't get me wrong, if BBW gives me something I will take it but I would prefer my field.
The second goal for 2010 is that I plan to get some of my bills paid off. I have been in debt for far too long. It is time for me to dig myself out of my hole and get myself back on solid ground. That way I can be somewhat out of there and be able to say that I made a major dent in my $10,000 debt that I have here.
The third thing that I want to do in 2010 is to move out of my house and get a place of my own. I know it sounds bad but I know that in order to truly be myself and have a serious boyfriend, I need to have my own place. I can't keep lying to my family about where I'm going or what I'm doing here. I know that with my own place, I can come out and deal with the fallout that my family will unleash (if any since I don't know how they will react here).
The final thing I can say that I hope for 2010 is that I would like to find someone who I can finally settle down with here. While I do enjoy hooking up when I get the chance, I would rather prefer myself to be with someone for the long-haul here since I do want that companionship and that white-picket fenced house. I could do that on my own but I want a guy for my own who I know I love deeply and know that he will be there for me as how I will be there for him.
Guess I have done enough reflecting and thinking for now on these two entries that have merged into one. Hope that your 2010 is a good one for you all my readers and stay tuned for the next entry in my life story. I am in the process of working on it and hope to have it out soon. Take care all.
12/27/09
Thoughts From An Email That I Never Thought I Would Get
-first added on 12/19-
Sounds like a long,corny title but it's something that I thought I wouldn't have to deal with until now. I think I have to explain what happened here to bring me to this thought process. It was in July when Aaron (my ex who I was trying to be friends with) and I broke communication with each other. Long story short, he was dealing with some family problems and took his frustration on me. While I tried to listen and help out, it wasn't enough. Then again, I wasn't helpful to him since I was dealing with problems of my own. In the end, we cut our ties with one another and decided not to talk again. He sent an apology the next day but I never responded to it since I was hurt.
So fast forward to a few days ago when I was checking my emails and saw a message from him for a few videos. I thought that he sent it to me on accident and as such I just looked at some of the stuff on there n that was it. A few days later, he sent me a second message saying that he saw my email still in his address book and wanted to try to talk to me again telling me of his discoveries that he did upon himself. He also mentioned that I was and still am a big part of his life that he doesn't want to lose.
So I am now at this fork of whether or not I should talk to him. I can say that I did think of him in October. Granted that I do miss his company but I have moved on with my life and feel that I can no longer deal with everything that he can deal to me.
-added on 12/27-
After much thinking and talking with a friend on this matter I feel that while Aaron has the right intentions in his heart of trying to rebuild our friendship, the time has come to say goodbye. I care for Aaron a great deal and that is something that will not change. At the same time, I need to believe that if you love something so much that there is a time that you just have to let it go free. I feel that this is the point in time that I need to let him go. We had a great run and I would do it in a heartbeat. We both helped each other mature in different ways and as such I am different from when I first started.
Sounds like a long,corny title but it's something that I thought I wouldn't have to deal with until now. I think I have to explain what happened here to bring me to this thought process. It was in July when Aaron (my ex who I was trying to be friends with) and I broke communication with each other. Long story short, he was dealing with some family problems and took his frustration on me. While I tried to listen and help out, it wasn't enough. Then again, I wasn't helpful to him since I was dealing with problems of my own. In the end, we cut our ties with one another and decided not to talk again. He sent an apology the next day but I never responded to it since I was hurt.
So fast forward to a few days ago when I was checking my emails and saw a message from him for a few videos. I thought that he sent it to me on accident and as such I just looked at some of the stuff on there n that was it. A few days later, he sent me a second message saying that he saw my email still in his address book and wanted to try to talk to me again telling me of his discoveries that he did upon himself. He also mentioned that I was and still am a big part of his life that he doesn't want to lose.
So I am now at this fork of whether or not I should talk to him. I can say that I did think of him in October. Granted that I do miss his company but I have moved on with my life and feel that I can no longer deal with everything that he can deal to me.
-added on 12/27-
After much thinking and talking with a friend on this matter I feel that while Aaron has the right intentions in his heart of trying to rebuild our friendship, the time has come to say goodbye. I care for Aaron a great deal and that is something that will not change. At the same time, I need to believe that if you love something so much that there is a time that you just have to let it go free. I feel that this is the point in time that I need to let him go. We had a great run and I would do it in a heartbeat. We both helped each other mature in different ways and as such I am different from when I first started.
12/4/09
Rage
This is a mild break from my normal life story blogs since I just need to write down some thoughts and try to ease my mind of the frustration that I have with the world, and with myself here.
Rage. It's something that we seem do deal with on a daily basis. It can be from road rage with the driver that is in front of you and can't drive properly or cuts you off when you had the right of way. It can be rage against a certain sales associate for giving you bad service or ignoring your pleas of assistance in order for them to chat with their co-workers about something random. Hell, there's even rage at work when people let you down for a team project and they have set you back weeks. It's from this rage that things can be blown out into harshness and cruelty that can take time to heal or never heal at all if exploded. There are tools that people find to help them break that rage whether it's exercise, talking, eating, shopping, or sex. It's from there that people seem to get back to a normalcy and are able to have a low tank on rage.
I wish I can say that is how I feel here but it's not. I feel the opposite here since I feel that all these plans that I have thought up before have died out completely and the path that I am on now is not the one I wanted here. I know where I can pinpoint all this rage started from and who to blame.
I know it started after failing U of I the second time around here. Even though I took it hard and tried my best to stay in that school, I didn't do it. I felt so miserable that I was pissed off with the world here. What didn't make things better was the fact that I was dumped around that same time. I pretty much took all that anger towards myself and the relationship and just unleashed it on the world with no reservations and with no care in the world. While it was bad, I did calm down and the rage somehow subsided within me. I know that as time went on, my rage would top out and then go back down. While I tried to find different ways to vent out this rage in a healthy manner, I felt that it did nothing for me. It would just fill back up quickly and then I have a near-meltdown.
This is how I have lived with myself to this day. I know that things are not going to my wishes and fantasies. I am not working full-time in an office and don't have my own place. I don't have that special someone to come home to and feel truly at home without secrets or hiding a double-life. I think that's why I feel so enraged. I feel that being at home not coming out to my family is a big issue as to why things are the way they are and why I feel I need to walk on eggshells when it comes to me or how my family has to be careful of what they say around me in order for me not to blow up in a blazing and terrifying inferno.
Now you may ask why I don't come out to my family and have it out in the open. I'm not sure why I keep myself in this tiny closet when I'm with my family. Part of me likes the idea of having two lives to live while the other part (which tends to echo out more than the other) is telling me that my family will stop caring for me, kick me out of the house, and never speak to me again. While I know that is a big concern for coming out, but it's something that I don't want to deal with since my family is a big part of my life. If I lose them, then I know I will truly be alone and that's something that I hate to feel here.
In the past when I came to accepting being a gay man, I told myself that I needed to keep myself in the closet since I don't want my family to know and kick me out without finishing my school. Now I found something new to cover up that old excuse. In reality, the reason I don't come out to my family is because I don't want to deal with any conflicts that would be coming afterward. I want to be open with my family but I doubt that I can be here. I have seen it myself with everything that has gone on in my house.
My brother is a big homophobe and is fussy about that topic. He tends to mock it a lot. My mom says she's supportive but I know that she's a bit judgmental. I have seen it with her and how she acts around a few of my friends that do come over. Right after they walk away to a different part of the house, she asks me if they're gay. It's an issue with her that I hang out with gay people.
I don't know what else to really say here for now but this has brought down my rage meter a bit. Too bad that might not last long for me here since I cannot find that happy place anymore. I feel that it's gone to me here and the only true way to find it is if I do get out of this house which who knows when that will be.
I just needed to write down some stuff here since I had to clear my head with these thoughts. I will try to think on this idea some more and maybe even elaborate on some of the points I made here. Thanks for reading this and if you can offer any form of help, I would greatly appreciate it here a lot people. Thanks.
Rage. It's something that we seem do deal with on a daily basis. It can be from road rage with the driver that is in front of you and can't drive properly or cuts you off when you had the right of way. It can be rage against a certain sales associate for giving you bad service or ignoring your pleas of assistance in order for them to chat with their co-workers about something random. Hell, there's even rage at work when people let you down for a team project and they have set you back weeks. It's from this rage that things can be blown out into harshness and cruelty that can take time to heal or never heal at all if exploded. There are tools that people find to help them break that rage whether it's exercise, talking, eating, shopping, or sex. It's from there that people seem to get back to a normalcy and are able to have a low tank on rage.
I wish I can say that is how I feel here but it's not. I feel the opposite here since I feel that all these plans that I have thought up before have died out completely and the path that I am on now is not the one I wanted here. I know where I can pinpoint all this rage started from and who to blame.
I know it started after failing U of I the second time around here. Even though I took it hard and tried my best to stay in that school, I didn't do it. I felt so miserable that I was pissed off with the world here. What didn't make things better was the fact that I was dumped around that same time. I pretty much took all that anger towards myself and the relationship and just unleashed it on the world with no reservations and with no care in the world. While it was bad, I did calm down and the rage somehow subsided within me. I know that as time went on, my rage would top out and then go back down. While I tried to find different ways to vent out this rage in a healthy manner, I felt that it did nothing for me. It would just fill back up quickly and then I have a near-meltdown.
This is how I have lived with myself to this day. I know that things are not going to my wishes and fantasies. I am not working full-time in an office and don't have my own place. I don't have that special someone to come home to and feel truly at home without secrets or hiding a double-life. I think that's why I feel so enraged. I feel that being at home not coming out to my family is a big issue as to why things are the way they are and why I feel I need to walk on eggshells when it comes to me or how my family has to be careful of what they say around me in order for me not to blow up in a blazing and terrifying inferno.
Now you may ask why I don't come out to my family and have it out in the open. I'm not sure why I keep myself in this tiny closet when I'm with my family. Part of me likes the idea of having two lives to live while the other part (which tends to echo out more than the other) is telling me that my family will stop caring for me, kick me out of the house, and never speak to me again. While I know that is a big concern for coming out, but it's something that I don't want to deal with since my family is a big part of my life. If I lose them, then I know I will truly be alone and that's something that I hate to feel here.
In the past when I came to accepting being a gay man, I told myself that I needed to keep myself in the closet since I don't want my family to know and kick me out without finishing my school. Now I found something new to cover up that old excuse. In reality, the reason I don't come out to my family is because I don't want to deal with any conflicts that would be coming afterward. I want to be open with my family but I doubt that I can be here. I have seen it myself with everything that has gone on in my house.
My brother is a big homophobe and is fussy about that topic. He tends to mock it a lot. My mom says she's supportive but I know that she's a bit judgmental. I have seen it with her and how she acts around a few of my friends that do come over. Right after they walk away to a different part of the house, she asks me if they're gay. It's an issue with her that I hang out with gay people.
I don't know what else to really say here for now but this has brought down my rage meter a bit. Too bad that might not last long for me here since I cannot find that happy place anymore. I feel that it's gone to me here and the only true way to find it is if I do get out of this house which who knows when that will be.
I just needed to write down some stuff here since I had to clear my head with these thoughts. I will try to think on this idea some more and maybe even elaborate on some of the points I made here. Thanks for reading this and if you can offer any form of help, I would greatly appreciate it here a lot people. Thanks.
10/19/09
Birthday Thoughts
I want to write on some thoughts here on my birthday since today is the day that I turn 27. I haven't done something like this in ages but feel that it's a good time to reflect on the past years that I have been alive for here. I know my mom probably thought I was never going to be born until December but I guess I had other plans here.
I did get some info from my mom last night about the day I was born. My mom was starting to have some contractions early on and it wasn't until they got to the first hospital (since the doctors could delay my mom from delivering me early) that her water broke. From there it was off to another hospital and it was there that I was born at around 1:30 am without breathing my first breath. My mom was scared and the doctors began to help me breathe and that's when I cried after that. After that, I was in the NICU for a few months until I got to a healthy size and was able to breathe on my own with no major problems.
I never knew that I would be around for so long here as I have here. It's interesting to think that I could have been dead as an infant and yet I'm still around now to this day walking and standing, able to decide on my own future with whatever I want to do here. My birthdays have always been celebrated with people constantly since I had that personality of wanting everyone to celebrate it with me. I recall in grade school bringing doughnuts or sweets of some kind around that time to give out to my classmates in school. There were even times when I had birthday parties with my friends either at Chuck E Cheese's (that was only 1 year) or at the house in which it was a costume party. It was a lot of fun to have that with friends and some family members too.
I recall the family dinners that we would have where my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins would meet up and give me gifts of either toys or money or even clothes. Those were some great times. I even recalled how as I got a bit older, I started just getting money and a few gift cards to places like Best Buy or even Target to buy whatever I wanted.
I have to say though that my 21st birthday was a good one for me here since that was one that I never expected to happen. I recall meeting up with my Triton friends Alecia, Jenn, and Jerissa at home in which we went out to one mall and then drove all the way from there to Golf Mill before heading back home and seeing my family and friends there ready to surprise me with drinks galore. I had such great times there especially with having my old teacher and friend come over as well to ring in the celebration for me.
Now that I'm 27 years old today, I see that many things have been good and bad. While I tend to focus a bit more on the bad stuff, this year I am making a promise that I need to start looking at the brighter side of things here. I should no longer be a pessimist but be more of an optimist here. Only in doing that can I find great successes in my life like how I saw them many years ago when I was younger.
I did get some info from my mom last night about the day I was born. My mom was starting to have some contractions early on and it wasn't until they got to the first hospital (since the doctors could delay my mom from delivering me early) that her water broke. From there it was off to another hospital and it was there that I was born at around 1:30 am without breathing my first breath. My mom was scared and the doctors began to help me breathe and that's when I cried after that. After that, I was in the NICU for a few months until I got to a healthy size and was able to breathe on my own with no major problems.
I never knew that I would be around for so long here as I have here. It's interesting to think that I could have been dead as an infant and yet I'm still around now to this day walking and standing, able to decide on my own future with whatever I want to do here. My birthdays have always been celebrated with people constantly since I had that personality of wanting everyone to celebrate it with me. I recall in grade school bringing doughnuts or sweets of some kind around that time to give out to my classmates in school. There were even times when I had birthday parties with my friends either at Chuck E Cheese's (that was only 1 year) or at the house in which it was a costume party. It was a lot of fun to have that with friends and some family members too.
I recall the family dinners that we would have where my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins would meet up and give me gifts of either toys or money or even clothes. Those were some great times. I even recalled how as I got a bit older, I started just getting money and a few gift cards to places like Best Buy or even Target to buy whatever I wanted.
I have to say though that my 21st birthday was a good one for me here since that was one that I never expected to happen. I recall meeting up with my Triton friends Alecia, Jenn, and Jerissa at home in which we went out to one mall and then drove all the way from there to Golf Mill before heading back home and seeing my family and friends there ready to surprise me with drinks galore. I had such great times there especially with having my old teacher and friend come over as well to ring in the celebration for me.
Now that I'm 27 years old today, I see that many things have been good and bad. While I tend to focus a bit more on the bad stuff, this year I am making a promise that I need to start looking at the brighter side of things here. I should no longer be a pessimist but be more of an optimist here. Only in doing that can I find great successes in my life like how I saw them many years ago when I was younger.
9/11/09
Thoughts On My Twitter Post From Yesterday
So I said that I was gonna write about this post that I made on Twitter yesterday but things came up and I postponed it. Besides, I had to go through the recordings that I made to see what I was saying and write what I felt needed to be said. For the most part, I liked what I said but glad the videos didn't go up. So I leave you here with what I said. Although it's not what I said in the recording, I feel that the meaning is still there.
Here's the post I made:
i hate this feeling im in right now. i feel like nothings going how i wished this were. will write blog on this thought more when i get home11:33 AM Sep 10th from txt
and here's my blog.
So imagine if you were in a part looking up at the sky underneath a few trees...
Looking at this tree and the sky, it seems to be coming to me with many variations. I can see how the tree is life and each branch represents a different path that I can go. While the outcome is always the same in death, it's the path length and the difficulties that seem to give us the great challenge. Certain branches have smooth bark and a leaf at the end in which things look great. There are some branches that have that same smoothness yet the leaves are chewed up on and there are a few branches that have rough bark and could possibly have a leaf or in the case of one branch, no leaves at all. I feel that right now I am in a standstill and that I am on that branch that has very rough bark and looks like my branch is going to be one with no leaves at all.
I know it sounds a bit crazy to say this but lately I just have been having this feeling along with the thoughts that pop into my head of "what if". I don't know why I do the "what if's here but it's something that I tend to do a lot especially when I feel a bit depressed and feel like nothing is going right for me here. There have been many "what if"s that have popped in my head from time to time but as of late I have been having a few major "what if"s that I can't seem to shake off or let go. I feel that I need to elaborate on this since I haven't gone into much details.
WHAT IF #1: What if I didn't fail out of school the first or second time?
This is one that seems to have been on my mind for many years and while I have pushed it to the side, it somehow in my darkest hours find and taunt me relentlessly. As you will learn in Part 4 of my life story (which will be coming out soon as soon as I have the chance to write and revise it), I went to Champaign, IL for school at U of I on two separate occasions here. Anyways, the what if that seems to plague me is where would I be if I went to school there still. Would I have finished my degree as I originally planned? Would I have gotten that job in my field? Would I have been with someone else or with Justin [someone you will learn in Part 4]? Would my family be ok with what my lifestyle is like [this is a what if that I will explain later on in this entry]? I don't know and while I should remain focused on the present, I can't help but to think as to what would my life be like if that route was there for me.
WHAT IF #2: What if I stayed with one of my exes?
The exes are supposed to remain in the past yet for some reason I sometimes think about this. In part 4 and beyond (since I don't know how long my life story will be), I have been with a few people in a serious relationship. There are some who I don't want to be in a relationship again (Robb) while there are some who I wish I was still with (Justin, Bruce, Aaron). I will say something about Robb, I am happy that he and I didn't last since he made me feel bad that I told him something after I was able to admit to myself that I screwed up in school (learn more about it in Part 4). Anyways, I tend to think about these three guys and realized that I do still have some strong feelings for these guys. I tend to think about the "what if" with these guys since they were there for me and still are which is something that I feel proud of here. I guess I think about this too since each one of them gave me the idea of a second chance yet with each one it was different. With Justin, I was hesitant in taking that shot since someone dissuaded me from going for it (and learned that the guy had the hots for him). As such, I decided that Justin would be a friend since I don't think we'd be a good match since we're a bit too much alike. With Aaron, I know I kinda shot it down in the past since we broke up after having a fight and at that time I was just wanting to end it fully yet now I have him as a close friend who I can always count on with some wisdom and a great deal of patience. Yet it is with Bruce where I feel in a lot of ways the most amount of regret here.
I would hold this off until Part 4 or whatever part I write him in but I feel that I need to talk about him since it's important. We met online on gay.com and began to chat. We first met in person after he lost his job with WaMu and he was on the Brown Line (CTA trains for those not familiar with Chicago subway system). Well, we talked and made out on the train for a good while. It was funny though since when we got to the stop where I can transfer to the train that would take me home, I was a bit hard from that make out session. Well, I ended up heading to his place after the end of summer school and we made out amongst other things and we became a serious couple. He had a lot on his plate at that time with a new stressful job, his mom's passing and now a BF who was half the time there and the other half stressing about his family nagging (another what if here that will be addressed). After awhile, he became a bit withdrawn and as such I did something stupid and cheated on him. He found out and I did confess and we kinda broke up.
Well, fast forward to spring 2008. It was around this time that he and I have been really close and best friends. It was about this time that he kinda asked me about maybe going at it again. I wanted to go ahead and say yes but part of my fears were holding me back mainly within two spots: family and my past mistake haunting me. So I say that I would want to keep it as friends. Well, I regretted the decision I made here since he ended with a guy he's happy with now and is living with him (have met the guy and he's nice even though the guy doesn't like me for something I said one day at Bruce's birthday party as a joke). So I feel like a dummy that I let him go but I have to move on from this point on and see what happens with someone new. Still I wonder what would have happened if I did say yes to him. Would my family have been ok with me dating a guy? Would I be commuting like crazy from Kankakee to Chicago to home regularly? I can't say what would have happened since it's just a what if yet I can't help but wonder about it here.
WHAT IF #3: What if my parents knew about me being gay?
This is one that seems to haunt me a lot here since I never know what I can do here anymore. It's something that is chewing me out like crazy and is driving me nuts beyond a reasonable doubt here. Let me explain this here since it's something that I cannot go into detail without a history lesson in my life.
I came out to mom in a letter saying that I was bi and she thought it was just a phase. A few years later I came to her and told her about a romp with a guy (kept it to just heavy petting n make out even though it was more than that) and it didn't go well. It went bad too when I got arrested for trying to do it with a guy in the restroom and got arrested for almost doing something here. It only made matters worse to the point where one day she found an entry of the breakup with Aaron n she began to complain about it all with the lying I did (since I knew she was going to be doing this if she ever found out).
While mom has an idea of this stuff happening, I don't think she will ever be ready to accept the concept that I'm gay. This has been a big issue for me as to what she would say and do if she ever found out. I think to myself that she would be crying and blaming herself for what happened since she let me have friends that she didn't like or my worst fear of getting kicked out of the house and trying to find a new place to live. I know in the past I feared that she would do that and that I would be out on my own with no way of being able to finish school or even pay it and have tons of debt. In fact, I still fear that because I don't think things will be ok with us.
I am close with my mom and family yet I don't know how they would fell about that at all or even how they would handle it if also brought a guy over. So I am left to stay inside my closet with my family until the day comes when I am able to be on my own two feet and can say it to them without the fear of consequences as much.
So I wrote down my thoughts that I needed to write here about why I made that post when I did. Hope this gives people an idea as to what's going on in my head and paint some pretty pics. So I am done here for now. Take care all and catch you later.
Here's the post I made:
i hate this feeling im in right now. i feel like nothings going how i wished this were. will write blog on this thought more when i get home11:33 AM Sep 10th from txt
and here's my blog.
So imagine if you were in a part looking up at the sky underneath a few trees...
Looking at this tree and the sky, it seems to be coming to me with many variations. I can see how the tree is life and each branch represents a different path that I can go. While the outcome is always the same in death, it's the path length and the difficulties that seem to give us the great challenge. Certain branches have smooth bark and a leaf at the end in which things look great. There are some branches that have that same smoothness yet the leaves are chewed up on and there are a few branches that have rough bark and could possibly have a leaf or in the case of one branch, no leaves at all. I feel that right now I am in a standstill and that I am on that branch that has very rough bark and looks like my branch is going to be one with no leaves at all.
I know it sounds a bit crazy to say this but lately I just have been having this feeling along with the thoughts that pop into my head of "what if". I don't know why I do the "what if's here but it's something that I tend to do a lot especially when I feel a bit depressed and feel like nothing is going right for me here. There have been many "what if"s that have popped in my head from time to time but as of late I have been having a few major "what if"s that I can't seem to shake off or let go. I feel that I need to elaborate on this since I haven't gone into much details.
WHAT IF #1: What if I didn't fail out of school the first or second time?
This is one that seems to have been on my mind for many years and while I have pushed it to the side, it somehow in my darkest hours find and taunt me relentlessly. As you will learn in Part 4 of my life story (which will be coming out soon as soon as I have the chance to write and revise it), I went to Champaign, IL for school at U of I on two separate occasions here. Anyways, the what if that seems to plague me is where would I be if I went to school there still. Would I have finished my degree as I originally planned? Would I have gotten that job in my field? Would I have been with someone else or with Justin [someone you will learn in Part 4]? Would my family be ok with what my lifestyle is like [this is a what if that I will explain later on in this entry]? I don't know and while I should remain focused on the present, I can't help but to think as to what would my life be like if that route was there for me.
WHAT IF #2: What if I stayed with one of my exes?
The exes are supposed to remain in the past yet for some reason I sometimes think about this. In part 4 and beyond (since I don't know how long my life story will be), I have been with a few people in a serious relationship. There are some who I don't want to be in a relationship again (Robb) while there are some who I wish I was still with (Justin, Bruce, Aaron). I will say something about Robb, I am happy that he and I didn't last since he made me feel bad that I told him something after I was able to admit to myself that I screwed up in school (learn more about it in Part 4). Anyways, I tend to think about these three guys and realized that I do still have some strong feelings for these guys. I tend to think about the "what if" with these guys since they were there for me and still are which is something that I feel proud of here. I guess I think about this too since each one of them gave me the idea of a second chance yet with each one it was different. With Justin, I was hesitant in taking that shot since someone dissuaded me from going for it (and learned that the guy had the hots for him). As such, I decided that Justin would be a friend since I don't think we'd be a good match since we're a bit too much alike. With Aaron, I know I kinda shot it down in the past since we broke up after having a fight and at that time I was just wanting to end it fully yet now I have him as a close friend who I can always count on with some wisdom and a great deal of patience. Yet it is with Bruce where I feel in a lot of ways the most amount of regret here.
I would hold this off until Part 4 or whatever part I write him in but I feel that I need to talk about him since it's important. We met online on gay.com and began to chat. We first met in person after he lost his job with WaMu and he was on the Brown Line (CTA trains for those not familiar with Chicago subway system). Well, we talked and made out on the train for a good while. It was funny though since when we got to the stop where I can transfer to the train that would take me home, I was a bit hard from that make out session. Well, I ended up heading to his place after the end of summer school and we made out amongst other things and we became a serious couple. He had a lot on his plate at that time with a new stressful job, his mom's passing and now a BF who was half the time there and the other half stressing about his family nagging (another what if here that will be addressed). After awhile, he became a bit withdrawn and as such I did something stupid and cheated on him. He found out and I did confess and we kinda broke up.
Well, fast forward to spring 2008. It was around this time that he and I have been really close and best friends. It was about this time that he kinda asked me about maybe going at it again. I wanted to go ahead and say yes but part of my fears were holding me back mainly within two spots: family and my past mistake haunting me. So I say that I would want to keep it as friends. Well, I regretted the decision I made here since he ended with a guy he's happy with now and is living with him (have met the guy and he's nice even though the guy doesn't like me for something I said one day at Bruce's birthday party as a joke). So I feel like a dummy that I let him go but I have to move on from this point on and see what happens with someone new. Still I wonder what would have happened if I did say yes to him. Would my family have been ok with me dating a guy? Would I be commuting like crazy from Kankakee to Chicago to home regularly? I can't say what would have happened since it's just a what if yet I can't help but wonder about it here.
WHAT IF #3: What if my parents knew about me being gay?
This is one that seems to haunt me a lot here since I never know what I can do here anymore. It's something that is chewing me out like crazy and is driving me nuts beyond a reasonable doubt here. Let me explain this here since it's something that I cannot go into detail without a history lesson in my life.
I came out to mom in a letter saying that I was bi and she thought it was just a phase. A few years later I came to her and told her about a romp with a guy (kept it to just heavy petting n make out even though it was more than that) and it didn't go well. It went bad too when I got arrested for trying to do it with a guy in the restroom and got arrested for almost doing something here. It only made matters worse to the point where one day she found an entry of the breakup with Aaron n she began to complain about it all with the lying I did (since I knew she was going to be doing this if she ever found out).
While mom has an idea of this stuff happening, I don't think she will ever be ready to accept the concept that I'm gay. This has been a big issue for me as to what she would say and do if she ever found out. I think to myself that she would be crying and blaming herself for what happened since she let me have friends that she didn't like or my worst fear of getting kicked out of the house and trying to find a new place to live. I know in the past I feared that she would do that and that I would be out on my own with no way of being able to finish school or even pay it and have tons of debt. In fact, I still fear that because I don't think things will be ok with us.
I am close with my mom and family yet I don't know how they would fell about that at all or even how they would handle it if also brought a guy over. So I am left to stay inside my closet with my family until the day comes when I am able to be on my own two feet and can say it to them without the fear of consequences as much.
So I wrote down my thoughts that I needed to write here about why I made that post when I did. Hope this gives people an idea as to what's going on in my head and paint some pretty pics. So I am done here for now. Take care all and catch you later.
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