Rage

This is a mild break from my normal life story blogs since I just need to write down some thoughts and try to ease my mind of the frustration that I have with the world, and with myself here.

Rage. It's something that we seem do deal with on a daily basis. It can be from road rage with the driver that is in front of you and can't drive properly or cuts you off when you had the right of way. It can be rage against a certain sales associate for giving you bad service or ignoring your pleas of assistance in order for them to chat with their co-workers about something random. Hell, there's even rage at work when people let you down for a team project and they have set you back weeks. It's from this rage that things can be blown out into harshness and cruelty that can take time to heal or never heal at all if exploded. There are tools that people find to help them break that rage whether it's exercise, talking, eating, shopping, or sex. It's from there that people seem to get back to a normalcy and are able to have a low tank on rage.

I wish I can say that is how I feel here but it's not. I feel the opposite here since I feel that all these plans that I have thought up before have died out completely and the path that I am on now is not the one I wanted here. I know where I can pinpoint all this rage started from and who to blame.

I know it started after failing U of I the second time around here. Even though I took it hard and tried my best to stay in that school, I didn't do it. I felt so miserable that I was pissed off with the world here. What didn't make things better was the fact that I was dumped around that same time. I pretty much took all that anger towards myself and the relationship and just unleashed it on the world with no reservations and with no care in the world. While it was bad, I did calm down and the rage somehow subsided within me. I know that as time went on, my rage would top out and then go back down. While I tried to find different ways to vent out this rage in a healthy manner, I felt that it did nothing for me. It would just fill back up quickly and then I have a near-meltdown.

This is how I have lived with myself to this day. I know that things are not going to my wishes and fantasies. I am not working full-time in an office and don't have my own place. I don't have that special someone to come home to and feel truly at home without secrets or hiding a double-life. I think that's why I feel so enraged. I feel that being at home not coming out to my family is a big issue as to why things are the way they are and why I feel I need to walk on eggshells when it comes to me or how my family has to be careful of what they say around me in order for me not to blow up in a blazing and terrifying inferno.

Now you may ask why I don't come out to my family and have it out in the open. I'm not sure why I keep myself in this tiny closet when I'm with my family. Part of me likes the idea of having two lives to live while the other part (which tends to echo out more than the other) is telling me that my family will stop caring for me, kick me out of the house, and never speak to me again. While I know that is a big concern for coming out, but it's something that I don't want to deal with since my family is a big part of my life. If I lose them, then I know I will truly be alone and that's something that I hate to feel here.

In the past when I came to accepting being a gay man, I told myself that I needed to keep myself in the closet since I don't want my family to know and kick me out without finishing my school. Now I found something new to cover up that old excuse. In reality, the reason I don't come out to my family is because I don't want to deal with any conflicts that would be coming afterward. I want to be open with my family but I doubt that I can be here. I have seen it myself with everything that has gone on in my house.

My brother is a big homophobe and is fussy about that topic. He tends to mock it a lot. My mom says she's supportive but I know that she's a bit judgmental. I have seen it with her and how she acts around a few of my friends that do come over. Right after they walk away to a different part of the house, she asks me if they're gay. It's an issue with her that I hang out with gay people.

I don't know what else to really say here for now but this has brought down my rage meter a bit. Too bad that might not last long for me here since I cannot find that happy place anymore. I feel that it's gone to me here and the only true way to find it is if I do get out of this house which who knows when that will be.

I just needed to write down some stuff here since I had to clear my head with these thoughts. I will try to think on this idea some more and maybe even elaborate on some of the points I made here. Thanks for reading this and if you can offer any form of help, I would greatly appreciate it here a lot people. Thanks.