-first added on 12/19-
Sounds like a long,corny title but it's something that I thought I wouldn't have to deal with until now. I think I have to explain what happened here to bring me to this thought process. It was in July when Aaron (my ex who I was trying to be friends with) and I broke communication with each other. Long story short, he was dealing with some family problems and took his frustration on me. While I tried to listen and help out, it wasn't enough. Then again, I wasn't helpful to him since I was dealing with problems of my own. In the end, we cut our ties with one another and decided not to talk again. He sent an apology the next day but I never responded to it since I was hurt.
So fast forward to a few days ago when I was checking my emails and saw a message from him for a few videos. I thought that he sent it to me on accident and as such I just looked at some of the stuff on there n that was it. A few days later, he sent me a second message saying that he saw my email still in his address book and wanted to try to talk to me again telling me of his discoveries that he did upon himself. He also mentioned that I was and still am a big part of his life that he doesn't want to lose.
So I am now at this fork of whether or not I should talk to him. I can say that I did think of him in October. Granted that I do miss his company but I have moved on with my life and feel that I can no longer deal with everything that he can deal to me.
-added on 12/27-
After much thinking and talking with a friend on this matter I feel that while Aaron has the right intentions in his heart of trying to rebuild our friendship, the time has come to say goodbye. I care for Aaron a great deal and that is something that will not change. At the same time, I need to believe that if you love something so much that there is a time that you just have to let it go free. I feel that this is the point in time that I need to let him go. We had a great run and I would do it in a heartbeat. We both helped each other mature in different ways and as such I am different from when I first started.
12/4/09
Rage
This is a mild break from my normal life story blogs since I just need to write down some thoughts and try to ease my mind of the frustration that I have with the world, and with myself here.
Rage. It's something that we seem do deal with on a daily basis. It can be from road rage with the driver that is in front of you and can't drive properly or cuts you off when you had the right of way. It can be rage against a certain sales associate for giving you bad service or ignoring your pleas of assistance in order for them to chat with their co-workers about something random. Hell, there's even rage at work when people let you down for a team project and they have set you back weeks. It's from this rage that things can be blown out into harshness and cruelty that can take time to heal or never heal at all if exploded. There are tools that people find to help them break that rage whether it's exercise, talking, eating, shopping, or sex. It's from there that people seem to get back to a normalcy and are able to have a low tank on rage.
I wish I can say that is how I feel here but it's not. I feel the opposite here since I feel that all these plans that I have thought up before have died out completely and the path that I am on now is not the one I wanted here. I know where I can pinpoint all this rage started from and who to blame.
I know it started after failing U of I the second time around here. Even though I took it hard and tried my best to stay in that school, I didn't do it. I felt so miserable that I was pissed off with the world here. What didn't make things better was the fact that I was dumped around that same time. I pretty much took all that anger towards myself and the relationship and just unleashed it on the world with no reservations and with no care in the world. While it was bad, I did calm down and the rage somehow subsided within me. I know that as time went on, my rage would top out and then go back down. While I tried to find different ways to vent out this rage in a healthy manner, I felt that it did nothing for me. It would just fill back up quickly and then I have a near-meltdown.
This is how I have lived with myself to this day. I know that things are not going to my wishes and fantasies. I am not working full-time in an office and don't have my own place. I don't have that special someone to come home to and feel truly at home without secrets or hiding a double-life. I think that's why I feel so enraged. I feel that being at home not coming out to my family is a big issue as to why things are the way they are and why I feel I need to walk on eggshells when it comes to me or how my family has to be careful of what they say around me in order for me not to blow up in a blazing and terrifying inferno.
Now you may ask why I don't come out to my family and have it out in the open. I'm not sure why I keep myself in this tiny closet when I'm with my family. Part of me likes the idea of having two lives to live while the other part (which tends to echo out more than the other) is telling me that my family will stop caring for me, kick me out of the house, and never speak to me again. While I know that is a big concern for coming out, but it's something that I don't want to deal with since my family is a big part of my life. If I lose them, then I know I will truly be alone and that's something that I hate to feel here.
In the past when I came to accepting being a gay man, I told myself that I needed to keep myself in the closet since I don't want my family to know and kick me out without finishing my school. Now I found something new to cover up that old excuse. In reality, the reason I don't come out to my family is because I don't want to deal with any conflicts that would be coming afterward. I want to be open with my family but I doubt that I can be here. I have seen it myself with everything that has gone on in my house.
My brother is a big homophobe and is fussy about that topic. He tends to mock it a lot. My mom says she's supportive but I know that she's a bit judgmental. I have seen it with her and how she acts around a few of my friends that do come over. Right after they walk away to a different part of the house, she asks me if they're gay. It's an issue with her that I hang out with gay people.
I don't know what else to really say here for now but this has brought down my rage meter a bit. Too bad that might not last long for me here since I cannot find that happy place anymore. I feel that it's gone to me here and the only true way to find it is if I do get out of this house which who knows when that will be.
I just needed to write down some stuff here since I had to clear my head with these thoughts. I will try to think on this idea some more and maybe even elaborate on some of the points I made here. Thanks for reading this and if you can offer any form of help, I would greatly appreciate it here a lot people. Thanks.
Rage. It's something that we seem do deal with on a daily basis. It can be from road rage with the driver that is in front of you and can't drive properly or cuts you off when you had the right of way. It can be rage against a certain sales associate for giving you bad service or ignoring your pleas of assistance in order for them to chat with their co-workers about something random. Hell, there's even rage at work when people let you down for a team project and they have set you back weeks. It's from this rage that things can be blown out into harshness and cruelty that can take time to heal or never heal at all if exploded. There are tools that people find to help them break that rage whether it's exercise, talking, eating, shopping, or sex. It's from there that people seem to get back to a normalcy and are able to have a low tank on rage.
I wish I can say that is how I feel here but it's not. I feel the opposite here since I feel that all these plans that I have thought up before have died out completely and the path that I am on now is not the one I wanted here. I know where I can pinpoint all this rage started from and who to blame.
I know it started after failing U of I the second time around here. Even though I took it hard and tried my best to stay in that school, I didn't do it. I felt so miserable that I was pissed off with the world here. What didn't make things better was the fact that I was dumped around that same time. I pretty much took all that anger towards myself and the relationship and just unleashed it on the world with no reservations and with no care in the world. While it was bad, I did calm down and the rage somehow subsided within me. I know that as time went on, my rage would top out and then go back down. While I tried to find different ways to vent out this rage in a healthy manner, I felt that it did nothing for me. It would just fill back up quickly and then I have a near-meltdown.
This is how I have lived with myself to this day. I know that things are not going to my wishes and fantasies. I am not working full-time in an office and don't have my own place. I don't have that special someone to come home to and feel truly at home without secrets or hiding a double-life. I think that's why I feel so enraged. I feel that being at home not coming out to my family is a big issue as to why things are the way they are and why I feel I need to walk on eggshells when it comes to me or how my family has to be careful of what they say around me in order for me not to blow up in a blazing and terrifying inferno.
Now you may ask why I don't come out to my family and have it out in the open. I'm not sure why I keep myself in this tiny closet when I'm with my family. Part of me likes the idea of having two lives to live while the other part (which tends to echo out more than the other) is telling me that my family will stop caring for me, kick me out of the house, and never speak to me again. While I know that is a big concern for coming out, but it's something that I don't want to deal with since my family is a big part of my life. If I lose them, then I know I will truly be alone and that's something that I hate to feel here.
In the past when I came to accepting being a gay man, I told myself that I needed to keep myself in the closet since I don't want my family to know and kick me out without finishing my school. Now I found something new to cover up that old excuse. In reality, the reason I don't come out to my family is because I don't want to deal with any conflicts that would be coming afterward. I want to be open with my family but I doubt that I can be here. I have seen it myself with everything that has gone on in my house.
My brother is a big homophobe and is fussy about that topic. He tends to mock it a lot. My mom says she's supportive but I know that she's a bit judgmental. I have seen it with her and how she acts around a few of my friends that do come over. Right after they walk away to a different part of the house, she asks me if they're gay. It's an issue with her that I hang out with gay people.
I don't know what else to really say here for now but this has brought down my rage meter a bit. Too bad that might not last long for me here since I cannot find that happy place anymore. I feel that it's gone to me here and the only true way to find it is if I do get out of this house which who knows when that will be.
I just needed to write down some stuff here since I had to clear my head with these thoughts. I will try to think on this idea some more and maybe even elaborate on some of the points I made here. Thanks for reading this and if you can offer any form of help, I would greatly appreciate it here a lot people. Thanks.
11/15/09
My Life Story Thus Far Act 7: Triton Days Part 2 [Jan 2004-Aug 2004]
Going back to U of I, I had a lot of good times down there. I really don't need to do much recapping in the last entry since I pretty much covered all that I was trying to convey during that time. I know I will add in details about Justin later on after I get to 2009 since he's someone who is still in my life to this day and as such I know that he's gonna be someone who will get a big entry for himself. So let's move on with the next part of my life here.
So after coming back home with my tail dragging between my feet and feeling very depressed from being dumped and failing school yet again, my mom told me that I was going back to Triton. It was an interesting time for me to go back there since I did not know what to expect second time going there. In some ways I thought it would be nice going there since I can see my friends again and make new ones. Besides, it would be an interesting time to see how Senate was going. So I enrolled back at Triton in January and decided to sign up for Senate once more here since I had a great deal of fun there.
I was soon to learn that there was much grief in there and that I was going to be in the middle being forced to choose sides. That will be explained a bit later on in the story. I went on in the semester and enjoyed my time with the people since I got close to a lot of them and even made some new friends there. It was there that I met Lori and Sarah who I found to be very good people. I really liked Sarah a lot since she went to East Leyden and knew a few people that I knew here. So it was nice to have some common ground.
I recall going to a few different places with them in February and enjoying my time with them all, especially with Jerissa since we were very close. She was my best friend that I had tons of fun with anytime we did something. I know my family would have liked it for me to be with her but I knew that wasn't going to happen since she was engaged. Anywho, we were starting to drift apart since she would be hard to get a hold of by phone and Myspace. So I kept to myself a bit here and hung out with the other people.
March came rolling around and soon I had gotten myself pinned in a corner again since the other ladies were planning to impeach Jerissa for her absence. They succeeded and told me not to tell her about it. What was the first thing I did? I told her what happened and was pissed off with what happened that I blogged. Well, the other girls saw my blog n began to throw a major shit-fit because not only did I tell Jerissa but also because I blogged and called them bitches. In the end, I just treated them a bit coldly and soon afterwards warmed up to them again to bring them back inside.
As for Jerissa, I lost touch with her and we went our separate ways which sucks since we were very close and I'm not sure if we'll ever get that way again. Only time will tell. I know that May, things were good for me since I went to Boystown with Justin for the first time. It was an interesting time since I had fun. Of course with me being such a lightweight, I got buzzed after my first drink and hammered after my second one (first was a shot of tequilla n second one was jageur bomb). So Justin took me outside of Roscoe's and we walked around for awhile to get my head back on straight until I was ok. From there, we went back to Roscoe's and hung out there for a bit longer until we went to Steamworks (first time for both of us) and spent the night over there with both of us not living in the city (will have to explain that night in more details at a later entry).
As June came along, I got some main letters for UIC and Disney in that I got accepted to both places and I had to make a decision as soon as possible. So I talked it over with my family and decided that Disney would be nice to do since I can get some job experience while taking a break from school. While the summer was going along, I was helping my dad with the flea market and also working at Triton for the summer as a tutor for two classes. It was in one of the classes that a girl hit on me and we went out for a few times. Needless to say, it did not work out since I realized at that point that I was more into guys here.
That summer also spelled a bit of problems at home too. I told my mom that I was into both guys and girls during an argument and things changed for her and me. We weren't talking to each other for a few days until mom and I went walking where she told me that it was just in my head and that I was listening to my brother when he calls me gay. Well, I told her that I knew that this was who I am and she denied it. So as summer was ending and I was getting ready to head out to Orlando, we left it like that and decided to keep those details as such (which for the most part have remained in existence to this day which gives me the issues of ever finding someone until I move out of the house in which I can be my true self).
That pretty much completes Act 7 of my life story. Act 8 will entail my many adventures and mis-adventures in Disney including my many hook-ups, my partying ways, my role down there, and the lasting impression that Disney left on me with a sense of affirmation and confirmation of everything.
So after coming back home with my tail dragging between my feet and feeling very depressed from being dumped and failing school yet again, my mom told me that I was going back to Triton. It was an interesting time for me to go back there since I did not know what to expect second time going there. In some ways I thought it would be nice going there since I can see my friends again and make new ones. Besides, it would be an interesting time to see how Senate was going. So I enrolled back at Triton in January and decided to sign up for Senate once more here since I had a great deal of fun there.
I was soon to learn that there was much grief in there and that I was going to be in the middle being forced to choose sides. That will be explained a bit later on in the story. I went on in the semester and enjoyed my time with the people since I got close to a lot of them and even made some new friends there. It was there that I met Lori and Sarah who I found to be very good people. I really liked Sarah a lot since she went to East Leyden and knew a few people that I knew here. So it was nice to have some common ground.
I recall going to a few different places with them in February and enjoying my time with them all, especially with Jerissa since we were very close. She was my best friend that I had tons of fun with anytime we did something. I know my family would have liked it for me to be with her but I knew that wasn't going to happen since she was engaged. Anywho, we were starting to drift apart since she would be hard to get a hold of by phone and Myspace. So I kept to myself a bit here and hung out with the other people.
March came rolling around and soon I had gotten myself pinned in a corner again since the other ladies were planning to impeach Jerissa for her absence. They succeeded and told me not to tell her about it. What was the first thing I did? I told her what happened and was pissed off with what happened that I blogged. Well, the other girls saw my blog n began to throw a major shit-fit because not only did I tell Jerissa but also because I blogged and called them bitches. In the end, I just treated them a bit coldly and soon afterwards warmed up to them again to bring them back inside.
As for Jerissa, I lost touch with her and we went our separate ways which sucks since we were very close and I'm not sure if we'll ever get that way again. Only time will tell. I know that May, things were good for me since I went to Boystown with Justin for the first time. It was an interesting time since I had fun. Of course with me being such a lightweight, I got buzzed after my first drink and hammered after my second one (first was a shot of tequilla n second one was jageur bomb). So Justin took me outside of Roscoe's and we walked around for awhile to get my head back on straight until I was ok. From there, we went back to Roscoe's and hung out there for a bit longer until we went to Steamworks (first time for both of us) and spent the night over there with both of us not living in the city (will have to explain that night in more details at a later entry).
As June came along, I got some main letters for UIC and Disney in that I got accepted to both places and I had to make a decision as soon as possible. So I talked it over with my family and decided that Disney would be nice to do since I can get some job experience while taking a break from school. While the summer was going along, I was helping my dad with the flea market and also working at Triton for the summer as a tutor for two classes. It was in one of the classes that a girl hit on me and we went out for a few times. Needless to say, it did not work out since I realized at that point that I was more into guys here.
That summer also spelled a bit of problems at home too. I told my mom that I was into both guys and girls during an argument and things changed for her and me. We weren't talking to each other for a few days until mom and I went walking where she told me that it was just in my head and that I was listening to my brother when he calls me gay. Well, I told her that I knew that this was who I am and she denied it. So as summer was ending and I was getting ready to head out to Orlando, we left it like that and decided to keep those details as such (which for the most part have remained in existence to this day which gives me the issues of ever finding someone until I move out of the house in which I can be my true self).
That pretty much completes Act 7 of my life story. Act 8 will entail my many adventures and mis-adventures in Disney including my many hook-ups, my partying ways, my role down there, and the lasting impression that Disney left on me with a sense of affirmation and confirmation of everything.
10/31/09
Wake Up Shock In The Body
This entry is a break from my life story (in which next part will be out next week sometime if I ever get a chance to write it down) since I just needed to write some thoughts out here.
Have you ever just woken up in the middle of a dream whether it was good, bad, or mediocre and you feel like something's off in the world yet you don't know what? That's what just happened to me here. I'm not sure why but somehow I felt that here. In my dream, I was flying high to other worlds here and I felt a great deal of joy from it since I was with someone mysterious who I could not make out his face yet I felt close to him.
Anyways, I woke up from that dream of flying when my body just sent me a warning to return and to be alert. I never planned it but yet it's something that just said you are needed back in reality since something is not right. Granted I could not figure out why my body did that here, but something told my body to call my mind back from its dream state. Most times I can fall back asleep with no problem but this time it's different. Not sure how to explain it here but I just felt something. Maybe it's my heart saying that someone I barely know needs me or that someone I used to know is in trouble or even that someone who left me is calling out for me to return in their lives.
I have been told by people that I have this great amount of light surrounding me a few years back when I did an aura cleansing. They said that I have a gift of being able to touch people and sometimes take on their aches at times and how I am able to detect their true emotions even when they are hiding it from the world.
Who knows for sure what really happened to bring me into the state of being awake but I just wanted to write these thoughts down and feel a bit of closure from what just happened to me here. Well, I should start crashing now and getting a great deal of rest so that I can feel good for the morning since I have to be up in 2.5 hours. Good night all and thanks for reading this entry.
Have you ever just woken up in the middle of a dream whether it was good, bad, or mediocre and you feel like something's off in the world yet you don't know what? That's what just happened to me here. I'm not sure why but somehow I felt that here. In my dream, I was flying high to other worlds here and I felt a great deal of joy from it since I was with someone mysterious who I could not make out his face yet I felt close to him.
Anyways, I woke up from that dream of flying when my body just sent me a warning to return and to be alert. I never planned it but yet it's something that just said you are needed back in reality since something is not right. Granted I could not figure out why my body did that here, but something told my body to call my mind back from its dream state. Most times I can fall back asleep with no problem but this time it's different. Not sure how to explain it here but I just felt something. Maybe it's my heart saying that someone I barely know needs me or that someone I used to know is in trouble or even that someone who left me is calling out for me to return in their lives.
I have been told by people that I have this great amount of light surrounding me a few years back when I did an aura cleansing. They said that I have a gift of being able to touch people and sometimes take on their aches at times and how I am able to detect their true emotions even when they are hiding it from the world.
Who knows for sure what really happened to bring me into the state of being awake but I just wanted to write these thoughts down and feel a bit of closure from what just happened to me here. Well, I should start crashing now and getting a great deal of rest so that I can feel good for the morning since I have to be up in 2.5 hours. Good night all and thanks for reading this entry.
10/21/09
My Life Story Thus Far Act 6: UIUC Days Part 2 [July 2003 - Dec 2003]
Not sure what can I say about the last blog that I forgot to mention anything. All I can say here really is that while the break-up was bad for me, I managed to keep a lot of the things that he gave me like a blanket that he got at a reservation out in AZ and a keychain from Canada. I even kept a picture frame that he gave me as a gift which I still use today here. I can't say that it was all bad but I still feel the sting from the break-up here. I recall one day developing some old rolls of film that I had from my first time in Champaign and a few other spots that I will mention in the next few entries here and I saw the pic I took of Robb and I kissing. I didn't really know how to perceive that at all here. Part of me felt great joy since it was taken during a romantic time yet at the same time part of me was angry with him since he never understood why I kept what I kept here. Anyways, in the end I just ripped the pics up and threw them away since I could never want to recall that at all here.
With that in mind, time to move on with the next section of my life. A part that I was never able to forgive myself until I graduated from school at UIC so many years later.
So after the break-up, I felt a bit low but at the same time I felt excited here since I kept telling myself here that I will be going back down to Champaign and start a new time in my life knowing what gender I prefer and also get a chance to work my ass off and not screw up this chance (which I did and will explain later on here). Near the middle of July I got the information on my new roommate who was from IL. Only thing was that he was from Dixon, IL (where Reagan came from for the most part) and we were different majors. Anyways, I did talk to him and we ended up being some good friends I can say here. We talked a bit by AIM and email to decide on who's bringing what and I decided to bring a bunch of the stuff over with me here. As soon as we got there, I brought my TV, tower, mini-fridge, rug, and other stuff that I needed to have some fun with my new roommate.
I moved in back at Allen Hall once more since I liked the dorm a lot here. Part of me thought that it would be good to be there again but a part of me thought I should have gone to a different dorm here. At the same time, I was happy to be back there since I made so many friends in there and it would be nice to be there again to make some new friends here. So I did some of the same events like last year like Quad Day, the big event at the main fitness center and few other things but at the same time things changed too since I didn't do any major partying here. I focused a bit more at school and doing the improv group along with forming my video gaming club.
I even started to hang out with people in the LGTB group at Allen Hall and at school since I wanted to get to know a few gay people. It was here that I crossed paths with Bruce one time (although I don't recall it too much here and he does, he won't show up in my life til 2 years later and he will have a big entry for him after my other ex is covered). It was here that I began to start using a few sites that were geared for gay people like gay.com and xy.com. It was on xy.com that I began to chat with someone on there who caught my eye in early September (I will explain a bit more about Justin in a later entry since he pretty much is still in my life today and in order to give a full account of him, I have to give him his own entry).
Going back to the topic of school, I thought things were going pretty well for me at school, at least I thought here. I was handling my classes for the most part and felt like nothing could shake me from my stronghold. I thought that with a dry-erase board to record my due dates, exams, and having a slight outline of my schedule, I have set myself up for some success. With all of that, I decided in mid September to set up a video game club at Allen Hall and for the university in which I called it Video Gamers Alliance. It was from here that I would make sure that people would meet up and have fun playing games. I ended up pulling together a Duck Hunt tourney in which it went pretty well even though I had a few people there. I ended up making sure that people were having fun and playing games and socializing with one another. I really got to network with people and got hooked on DDR for the first time.
I even managed to get Stepmania few weeks later and was enjoying all the song files that I got for the game and got pretty hooked on it here. My roommate even showed me how to make some files for the game since he saw I was getting into the series. October soon came along and I was hanging on to my classes since I was slipping a bit but not by much. I was also making sure to eat carefully so as not to get myself sick when need be by either doing ramen noodles in my room or going to McDonald's and getting an order of super size fries and a super size Coke. On weekends when my roommate would sleep in until noon, I would drag my TV into my closet since I had tape on the door so that I won't get locked in again (Long story short since I didn't explain it in Act 4, a friend of ours thought it would be funny that once I went inside my closet to shut it on me and lock me out. I was freaking out and my roommate unlocked me after finding my keys on my desk. I was so pissed off that I swore in the hallway where my RA heard and banned the guy from the room. I forgave him later on but never could trust him again.) and enjoyed watching the Saturday morning cartoons like a little kid eating breakfast with either Pop Tarts or cereal.
I even was a bit sneaky for food since I would keep a Tupperware dish in my backpack during some meals so that I can take some of the food that I can eat back to my room for either a snack or for a meal the next day. I even took silverware and dishes from there too. I was a bit sneaky but with my big backpack, no one would have guessed it. Moving on here, I enjoyed everything here the second time around since I was balancing it all here yet something still felt a bit quiet and that was my need to have my family around me.
After being home that one year, I felt a bit lost without them and as such every few weeks (would say about 5 times during that semester) I would visit them when I could and be with them. I know I came home a few times like for one of my brother's meets in which I did an open run for 1 mile or just to hang out with my family and watch the Bears game. I even came home a week after my birthday to celebrate it with them since I had a gaming event on my birthday and ended up cashing out my points to get drinks from the dorms to supply for everyone. I even ordered pizza and pokey sticks from my own money. It was a blast to recall since I was noticing I was improving my skills at DDR here.
November was coming up and I did a lot to keep up with my programming class since some of my programs weren't working right in which I realized why I was doing that bad here. Anyways, I continued to try my best and work hard in doing it so that I can stay another semester at U of I since it's a school that I felt at home with here. I did a lot here and had a full plate with stuff. I even pulled a few all-nighters here to try and remain focused with my classwork here. I even recall giving a tour to B and her students for the weekend. I even had a mini-gaming event in which they came to have some fun with games. It was a lot of fun and then I got into serious mode to work my ass off.
After some time, December came and I was in finals week trying to study my ass off so that I can pass my classes and stay another semester. After my last day with finals, I had my family pick me up and we headed home so I can hang out with friends and be with my family. I ended up getting my grades in January and I was devastated that I missed the GPA by only a few points. I tried my hardest to talk with the dean and see if they could overlook it but it was no use. I got kicked out of U of I and I was depressed. I even went back to the dorm to clean out my stuff and put it in the truck. I felt like giving up and calling it quits with my higher learning. I felt that I will never graduate and as such I felt like a failure here. It didn't help out that Justin broke up with me either. So I was really low and felt like I can talk to no one here except my friends but I would soon learn that there was trouble in that area too that will be mentioned in the next act.
So I guess that covers most of my time at Champaign for the second time. I gave it a shot but it was not good enough apparently. I do miss that school a lot and in some ways I think about what life would have been like if I was still down there. I don't know but I have made my peace with that for the most part here. So you know a bit of my second stumble and as such how I got really depressed as if I never wanted to come out from my rock here.
Next act will talk about my second time at Triton, the drama that went in Senate, my first trip to Boystown and also my first job outside of my dad's business. Guess that's all I have to say for now here. Enjoy the read and wait til next week for the next entry.
With that in mind, time to move on with the next section of my life. A part that I was never able to forgive myself until I graduated from school at UIC so many years later.
So after the break-up, I felt a bit low but at the same time I felt excited here since I kept telling myself here that I will be going back down to Champaign and start a new time in my life knowing what gender I prefer and also get a chance to work my ass off and not screw up this chance (which I did and will explain later on here). Near the middle of July I got the information on my new roommate who was from IL. Only thing was that he was from Dixon, IL (where Reagan came from for the most part) and we were different majors. Anyways, I did talk to him and we ended up being some good friends I can say here. We talked a bit by AIM and email to decide on who's bringing what and I decided to bring a bunch of the stuff over with me here. As soon as we got there, I brought my TV, tower, mini-fridge, rug, and other stuff that I needed to have some fun with my new roommate.
I moved in back at Allen Hall once more since I liked the dorm a lot here. Part of me thought that it would be good to be there again but a part of me thought I should have gone to a different dorm here. At the same time, I was happy to be back there since I made so many friends in there and it would be nice to be there again to make some new friends here. So I did some of the same events like last year like Quad Day, the big event at the main fitness center and few other things but at the same time things changed too since I didn't do any major partying here. I focused a bit more at school and doing the improv group along with forming my video gaming club.
I even started to hang out with people in the LGTB group at Allen Hall and at school since I wanted to get to know a few gay people. It was here that I crossed paths with Bruce one time (although I don't recall it too much here and he does, he won't show up in my life til 2 years later and he will have a big entry for him after my other ex is covered). It was here that I began to start using a few sites that were geared for gay people like gay.com and xy.com. It was on xy.com that I began to chat with someone on there who caught my eye in early September (I will explain a bit more about Justin in a later entry since he pretty much is still in my life today and in order to give a full account of him, I have to give him his own entry).
Going back to the topic of school, I thought things were going pretty well for me at school, at least I thought here. I was handling my classes for the most part and felt like nothing could shake me from my stronghold. I thought that with a dry-erase board to record my due dates, exams, and having a slight outline of my schedule, I have set myself up for some success. With all of that, I decided in mid September to set up a video game club at Allen Hall and for the university in which I called it Video Gamers Alliance. It was from here that I would make sure that people would meet up and have fun playing games. I ended up pulling together a Duck Hunt tourney in which it went pretty well even though I had a few people there. I ended up making sure that people were having fun and playing games and socializing with one another. I really got to network with people and got hooked on DDR for the first time.
I even managed to get Stepmania few weeks later and was enjoying all the song files that I got for the game and got pretty hooked on it here. My roommate even showed me how to make some files for the game since he saw I was getting into the series. October soon came along and I was hanging on to my classes since I was slipping a bit but not by much. I was also making sure to eat carefully so as not to get myself sick when need be by either doing ramen noodles in my room or going to McDonald's and getting an order of super size fries and a super size Coke. On weekends when my roommate would sleep in until noon, I would drag my TV into my closet since I had tape on the door so that I won't get locked in again (Long story short since I didn't explain it in Act 4, a friend of ours thought it would be funny that once I went inside my closet to shut it on me and lock me out. I was freaking out and my roommate unlocked me after finding my keys on my desk. I was so pissed off that I swore in the hallway where my RA heard and banned the guy from the room. I forgave him later on but never could trust him again.) and enjoyed watching the Saturday morning cartoons like a little kid eating breakfast with either Pop Tarts or cereal.
I even was a bit sneaky for food since I would keep a Tupperware dish in my backpack during some meals so that I can take some of the food that I can eat back to my room for either a snack or for a meal the next day. I even took silverware and dishes from there too. I was a bit sneaky but with my big backpack, no one would have guessed it. Moving on here, I enjoyed everything here the second time around since I was balancing it all here yet something still felt a bit quiet and that was my need to have my family around me.
After being home that one year, I felt a bit lost without them and as such every few weeks (would say about 5 times during that semester) I would visit them when I could and be with them. I know I came home a few times like for one of my brother's meets in which I did an open run for 1 mile or just to hang out with my family and watch the Bears game. I even came home a week after my birthday to celebrate it with them since I had a gaming event on my birthday and ended up cashing out my points to get drinks from the dorms to supply for everyone. I even ordered pizza and pokey sticks from my own money. It was a blast to recall since I was noticing I was improving my skills at DDR here.
November was coming up and I did a lot to keep up with my programming class since some of my programs weren't working right in which I realized why I was doing that bad here. Anyways, I continued to try my best and work hard in doing it so that I can stay another semester at U of I since it's a school that I felt at home with here. I did a lot here and had a full plate with stuff. I even pulled a few all-nighters here to try and remain focused with my classwork here. I even recall giving a tour to B and her students for the weekend. I even had a mini-gaming event in which they came to have some fun with games. It was a lot of fun and then I got into serious mode to work my ass off.
After some time, December came and I was in finals week trying to study my ass off so that I can pass my classes and stay another semester. After my last day with finals, I had my family pick me up and we headed home so I can hang out with friends and be with my family. I ended up getting my grades in January and I was devastated that I missed the GPA by only a few points. I tried my hardest to talk with the dean and see if they could overlook it but it was no use. I got kicked out of U of I and I was depressed. I even went back to the dorm to clean out my stuff and put it in the truck. I felt like giving up and calling it quits with my higher learning. I felt that I will never graduate and as such I felt like a failure here. It didn't help out that Justin broke up with me either. So I was really low and felt like I can talk to no one here except my friends but I would soon learn that there was trouble in that area too that will be mentioned in the next act.
So I guess that covers most of my time at Champaign for the second time. I gave it a shot but it was not good enough apparently. I do miss that school a lot and in some ways I think about what life would have been like if I was still down there. I don't know but I have made my peace with that for the most part here. So you know a bit of my second stumble and as such how I got really depressed as if I never wanted to come out from my rock here.
Next act will talk about my second time at Triton, the drama that went in Senate, my first trip to Boystown and also my first job outside of my dad's business. Guess that's all I have to say for now here. Enjoy the read and wait til next week for the next entry.
10/19/09
Birthday Thoughts
I want to write on some thoughts here on my birthday since today is the day that I turn 27. I haven't done something like this in ages but feel that it's a good time to reflect on the past years that I have been alive for here. I know my mom probably thought I was never going to be born until December but I guess I had other plans here.
I did get some info from my mom last night about the day I was born. My mom was starting to have some contractions early on and it wasn't until they got to the first hospital (since the doctors could delay my mom from delivering me early) that her water broke. From there it was off to another hospital and it was there that I was born at around 1:30 am without breathing my first breath. My mom was scared and the doctors began to help me breathe and that's when I cried after that. After that, I was in the NICU for a few months until I got to a healthy size and was able to breathe on my own with no major problems.
I never knew that I would be around for so long here as I have here. It's interesting to think that I could have been dead as an infant and yet I'm still around now to this day walking and standing, able to decide on my own future with whatever I want to do here. My birthdays have always been celebrated with people constantly since I had that personality of wanting everyone to celebrate it with me. I recall in grade school bringing doughnuts or sweets of some kind around that time to give out to my classmates in school. There were even times when I had birthday parties with my friends either at Chuck E Cheese's (that was only 1 year) or at the house in which it was a costume party. It was a lot of fun to have that with friends and some family members too.
I recall the family dinners that we would have where my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins would meet up and give me gifts of either toys or money or even clothes. Those were some great times. I even recalled how as I got a bit older, I started just getting money and a few gift cards to places like Best Buy or even Target to buy whatever I wanted.
I have to say though that my 21st birthday was a good one for me here since that was one that I never expected to happen. I recall meeting up with my Triton friends Alecia, Jenn, and Jerissa at home in which we went out to one mall and then drove all the way from there to Golf Mill before heading back home and seeing my family and friends there ready to surprise me with drinks galore. I had such great times there especially with having my old teacher and friend come over as well to ring in the celebration for me.
Now that I'm 27 years old today, I see that many things have been good and bad. While I tend to focus a bit more on the bad stuff, this year I am making a promise that I need to start looking at the brighter side of things here. I should no longer be a pessimist but be more of an optimist here. Only in doing that can I find great successes in my life like how I saw them many years ago when I was younger.
I did get some info from my mom last night about the day I was born. My mom was starting to have some contractions early on and it wasn't until they got to the first hospital (since the doctors could delay my mom from delivering me early) that her water broke. From there it was off to another hospital and it was there that I was born at around 1:30 am without breathing my first breath. My mom was scared and the doctors began to help me breathe and that's when I cried after that. After that, I was in the NICU for a few months until I got to a healthy size and was able to breathe on my own with no major problems.
I never knew that I would be around for so long here as I have here. It's interesting to think that I could have been dead as an infant and yet I'm still around now to this day walking and standing, able to decide on my own future with whatever I want to do here. My birthdays have always been celebrated with people constantly since I had that personality of wanting everyone to celebrate it with me. I recall in grade school bringing doughnuts or sweets of some kind around that time to give out to my classmates in school. There were even times when I had birthday parties with my friends either at Chuck E Cheese's (that was only 1 year) or at the house in which it was a costume party. It was a lot of fun to have that with friends and some family members too.
I recall the family dinners that we would have where my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins would meet up and give me gifts of either toys or money or even clothes. Those were some great times. I even recalled how as I got a bit older, I started just getting money and a few gift cards to places like Best Buy or even Target to buy whatever I wanted.
I have to say though that my 21st birthday was a good one for me here since that was one that I never expected to happen. I recall meeting up with my Triton friends Alecia, Jenn, and Jerissa at home in which we went out to one mall and then drove all the way from there to Golf Mill before heading back home and seeing my family and friends there ready to surprise me with drinks galore. I had such great times there especially with having my old teacher and friend come over as well to ring in the celebration for me.
Now that I'm 27 years old today, I see that many things have been good and bad. While I tend to focus a bit more on the bad stuff, this year I am making a promise that I need to start looking at the brighter side of things here. I should no longer be a pessimist but be more of an optimist here. Only in doing that can I find great successes in my life like how I saw them many years ago when I was younger.
10/11/09
My Life Story Thus Far Act 5: Robb, My First In Some Areas [April 2003 - July 2003]
Act 4 brought in some big revelations as to my circumstances with school the first time I went downstate. I never shared it fully as I have on here to random strangers since I was always ashamed of this. I always told people that the first time I went down I got really sick and as such I ended up going back home to get better and be close to my family before I try again. The second I ended up going down there will be in Act 6 since that's a bit of a different story yet the same results happened and much more too. So let me move on with this act before going into details about the next act.
Now with things starting to go a bit decent in my life with school and starting to make new friends. I felt that it was time to start dating and see if I really did like dating guys here or if it was just something to seek attention since the opposite sex never found me attractive. Deep down I knew the truth but it never fully came out until I began to date Robb. Let me give you a bit of info on how I met Robb, what happened on our dates, and finally how we broke up.
I decided that in February 2002 that I would post up an ad on one of the many dating sites out there and try finding a guy to see what can happen. So I ended up placing an ad on American Singles and made it somewhat noticeable that I had my email on there just because I was not in the mood to pay $20.00 a month for something that I don't want my family to find out. At that time, I only had one checking account which my mom had access to the records to see what charges I made and all of that stuff. Anyways, I ended up one day getting an email from Robb who saw my profile near the end of Feb and we began to chat up a bit.
I'm showing a pic of him on here so that everyone can see how he looks like now. Back to the story, I ended up responding to him and found him somewhat interesting. We had a few things in common like the fact that we're both in school, we're big fans of Lord of the Rings, and we were around the same age group. It was pretty interesting to talk to him over AIM and email. One day in March, I decided to give him my cell number so that we could start talking over the phone and see what happens from there. We would talk for sometime and it was nice to hear someone who kinda understood my situation of not being out to my family yet and afraid of what could happen. We would talk about different things and one day in April he asked me out. I said sure and asked him to pick me up at Triton since if he would pick me up at home, I would have some explaining to do. So I ended up telling my folks that I would be with my friends at school for a bit before going out and hanging out with them for most of the day when I was done with classes. Robb ended up driving to Triton and picked me up. I know my friends were nervous for me since they didn't know what to expect. Hell, I didn't know either here. So I ended up going with him afer my friends grilled him for a bit.
We drove out to Dekalb since he was going to NIU at the time getting his degree out there. When we got to campus, he gave me a bit of a tour of where everything was at and also showed me around campus giving me some of his stories of Dekalb. He even told me about the haunted library that he worked at which made me seem a bit interested in him. After the campus tour, we went to eat at a Mexican restaurant where we talked. He asked me about school and I pretty much told him the story that I was telling just about everyone since I was ashamed to admit that I failed [which is that I got sick and as such headed back home after a year to get a bit better]. On the drive back home since it was getting a bit dark, we kissed for the first time and I knew then that I was no longer in the middle but more towards the gay side. As we got closer to home, we ended up going to a park right near my place for a bit more of making out before he dropped me off and headed back to Dekalb.
It was something that I liked a lot and decided to meet up with him again a few weeks later. We did go out and had a nice meal which followed with some making out too. It was after that second date that we made it official that we were dating and became a couple. I recall on the third date which happened in late May, early June that we went to his home in Mokena and he showed me around the area for a bit before taking me to his home where I got to meet his dad. I liked his dad a lot since he was very nice and welcomed me into his home. After sometime of eating there with his dad and watching movies, we were making out and slowly clothes were coming off until we were in our undies. I recall that at this time, he was about to take off my undies when I told him to hold it there since I was a bit uncomfortable. He was so apologetic about that since he forgot I was still new to all of this. That made me like him even more. We kept making out and laid in his bed in our undies til it was time for me to head back home.
I thought things were great and even on the 4th of July, he picked me up to take me to a fireworks display in Joliet with him and his friends. I enjoyed it completely since before we went there, we went to his place and we were completely naked in his bed. I thought that it was right since I was starting to come out of my shell more and more here. We even ended up sucking each other off for a good while. I even recalled talking to him about trying anal sex one time since we were doing good. So I thought things were great.
Well, the middle of July came and I got my acceptance letter from Champaign saying that I was able to come back down after they reviewed my transcripts at Triton and read my letter. I was really excited that it was happening that I told Robb about it. I even then decided to tell him the truth and confess to him that the story I told him was a lie since I was afraid of admitting to myself that I failed and that I wanted him to know what really happened. His response was not what I was hoping for here. Instead of saying something like "I am a bit upset with you about you keeping this from me yet I understand why you did it. Nothing is going to change my mind about you.", he ended up writing an email to me breaking up with me saying that it was over. I felt so shattered since I was starting to accept my mistake and he ended up making me so very low here.
I tried to talk to him a few days later but he made up his mind and just like that the relationship died. I know that in the following months I kept in some contact with him as he began to date a guy at school which we soon broke contact completely. I know I have him as a friend on Facebook and Myspace right now but I am never sure if I will really talk to him or if he will talk to me. I know I do owe him thanks for helping me start to break out of my gay shell and start walking in the doors of the gay world but in a lot of ways, I owe a greater deal of thanks to Justin, my next ex and one of my closest best friends that I have in my life along with Bruce (another ex). Those two you will learn later on in this life story that I am writing here.
So as such, Act 5 is now complete and the curtain drops on this part of my story. Act 6 will pretty much contain a lot of details as to my second trip to Champaign, my relationship with Justin, and a few other things that I think I can add on here. It will also contain the information as to the outcome from that semester at school and also what I dealt with after everything transpired. So stay tuned for the next part here all.
Now with things starting to go a bit decent in my life with school and starting to make new friends. I felt that it was time to start dating and see if I really did like dating guys here or if it was just something to seek attention since the opposite sex never found me attractive. Deep down I knew the truth but it never fully came out until I began to date Robb. Let me give you a bit of info on how I met Robb, what happened on our dates, and finally how we broke up.
I decided that in February 2002 that I would post up an ad on one of the many dating sites out there and try finding a guy to see what can happen. So I ended up placing an ad on American Singles and made it somewhat noticeable that I had my email on there just because I was not in the mood to pay $20.00 a month for something that I don't want my family to find out. At that time, I only had one checking account which my mom had access to the records to see what charges I made and all of that stuff. Anyways, I ended up one day getting an email from Robb who saw my profile near the end of Feb and we began to chat up a bit.
I'm showing a pic of him on here so that everyone can see how he looks like now. Back to the story, I ended up responding to him and found him somewhat interesting. We had a few things in common like the fact that we're both in school, we're big fans of Lord of the Rings, and we were around the same age group. It was pretty interesting to talk to him over AIM and email. One day in March, I decided to give him my cell number so that we could start talking over the phone and see what happens from there. We would talk for sometime and it was nice to hear someone who kinda understood my situation of not being out to my family yet and afraid of what could happen. We would talk about different things and one day in April he asked me out. I said sure and asked him to pick me up at Triton since if he would pick me up at home, I would have some explaining to do. So I ended up telling my folks that I would be with my friends at school for a bit before going out and hanging out with them for most of the day when I was done with classes. Robb ended up driving to Triton and picked me up. I know my friends were nervous for me since they didn't know what to expect. Hell, I didn't know either here. So I ended up going with him afer my friends grilled him for a bit.
We drove out to Dekalb since he was going to NIU at the time getting his degree out there. When we got to campus, he gave me a bit of a tour of where everything was at and also showed me around campus giving me some of his stories of Dekalb. He even told me about the haunted library that he worked at which made me seem a bit interested in him. After the campus tour, we went to eat at a Mexican restaurant where we talked. He asked me about school and I pretty much told him the story that I was telling just about everyone since I was ashamed to admit that I failed [which is that I got sick and as such headed back home after a year to get a bit better]. On the drive back home since it was getting a bit dark, we kissed for the first time and I knew then that I was no longer in the middle but more towards the gay side. As we got closer to home, we ended up going to a park right near my place for a bit more of making out before he dropped me off and headed back to Dekalb.
It was something that I liked a lot and decided to meet up with him again a few weeks later. We did go out and had a nice meal which followed with some making out too. It was after that second date that we made it official that we were dating and became a couple. I recall on the third date which happened in late May, early June that we went to his home in Mokena and he showed me around the area for a bit before taking me to his home where I got to meet his dad. I liked his dad a lot since he was very nice and welcomed me into his home. After sometime of eating there with his dad and watching movies, we were making out and slowly clothes were coming off until we were in our undies. I recall that at this time, he was about to take off my undies when I told him to hold it there since I was a bit uncomfortable. He was so apologetic about that since he forgot I was still new to all of this. That made me like him even more. We kept making out and laid in his bed in our undies til it was time for me to head back home.
I thought things were great and even on the 4th of July, he picked me up to take me to a fireworks display in Joliet with him and his friends. I enjoyed it completely since before we went there, we went to his place and we were completely naked in his bed. I thought that it was right since I was starting to come out of my shell more and more here. We even ended up sucking each other off for a good while. I even recalled talking to him about trying anal sex one time since we were doing good. So I thought things were great.
Well, the middle of July came and I got my acceptance letter from Champaign saying that I was able to come back down after they reviewed my transcripts at Triton and read my letter. I was really excited that it was happening that I told Robb about it. I even then decided to tell him the truth and confess to him that the story I told him was a lie since I was afraid of admitting to myself that I failed and that I wanted him to know what really happened. His response was not what I was hoping for here. Instead of saying something like "I am a bit upset with you about you keeping this from me yet I understand why you did it. Nothing is going to change my mind about you.", he ended up writing an email to me breaking up with me saying that it was over. I felt so shattered since I was starting to accept my mistake and he ended up making me so very low here.
I tried to talk to him a few days later but he made up his mind and just like that the relationship died. I know that in the following months I kept in some contact with him as he began to date a guy at school which we soon broke contact completely. I know I have him as a friend on Facebook and Myspace right now but I am never sure if I will really talk to him or if he will talk to me. I know I do owe him thanks for helping me start to break out of my gay shell and start walking in the doors of the gay world but in a lot of ways, I owe a greater deal of thanks to Justin, my next ex and one of my closest best friends that I have in my life along with Bruce (another ex). Those two you will learn later on in this life story that I am writing here.
So as such, Act 5 is now complete and the curtain drops on this part of my story. Act 6 will pretty much contain a lot of details as to my second trip to Champaign, my relationship with Justin, and a few other things that I think I can add on here. It will also contain the information as to the outcome from that semester at school and also what I dealt with after everything transpired. So stay tuned for the next part here all.
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