Thoughts On My Twitter Post From Yesterday

So I said that I was gonna write about this post that I made on Twitter yesterday but things came up and I postponed it. Besides, I had to go through the recordings that I made to see what I was saying and write what I felt needed to be said. For the most part, I liked what I said but glad the videos didn't go up. So I leave you here with what I said. Although it's not what I said in the recording, I feel that the meaning is still there.

Here's the post I made:

i hate this feeling im in right now. i feel like nothings going how i wished this were. will write blog on this thought more when i get home11:33 AM Sep 10th from txt

and here's my blog.

So imagine if you were in a part looking up at the sky underneath a few trees...

Looking at this tree and the sky, it seems to be coming to me with many variations. I can see how the tree is life and each branch represents a different path that I can go. While the outcome is always the same in death, it's the path length and the difficulties that seem to give us the great challenge. Certain branches have smooth bark and a leaf at the end in which things look great. There are some branches that have that same smoothness yet the leaves are chewed up on and there are a few branches that have rough bark and could possibly have a leaf or in the case of one branch, no leaves at all. I feel that right now I am in a standstill and that I am on that branch that has very rough bark and looks like my branch is going to be one with no leaves at all.

I know it sounds a bit crazy to say this but lately I just have been having this feeling along with the thoughts that pop into my head of "what if". I don't know why I do the "what if's here but it's something that I tend to do a lot especially when I feel a bit depressed and feel like nothing is going right for me here. There have been many "what if"s that have popped in my head from time to time but as of late I have been having a few major "what if"s that I can't seem to shake off or let go. I feel that I need to elaborate on this since I haven't gone into much details.

WHAT IF #1: What if I didn't fail out of school the first or second time?
This is one that seems to have been on my mind for many years and while I have pushed it to the side, it somehow in my darkest hours find and taunt me relentlessly. As you will learn in Part 4 of my life story (which will be coming out soon as soon as I have the chance to write and revise it), I went to Champaign, IL for school at U of I on two separate occasions here. Anyways, the what if that seems to plague me is where would I be if I went to school there still. Would I have finished my degree as I originally planned? Would I have gotten that job in my field? Would I have been with someone else or with Justin [someone you will learn in Part 4]? Would my family be ok with what my lifestyle is like [this is a what if that I will explain later on in this entry]? I don't know and while I should remain focused on the present, I can't help but to think as to what would my life be like if that route was there for me.

WHAT IF #2: What if I stayed with one of my exes?
The exes are supposed to remain in the past yet for some reason I sometimes think about this. In part 4 and beyond (since I don't know how long my life story will be), I have been with a few people in a serious relationship. There are some who I don't want to be in a relationship again (Robb) while there are some who I wish I was still with (Justin, Bruce, Aaron). I will say something about Robb, I am happy that he and I didn't last since he made me feel bad that I told him something after I was able to admit to myself that I screwed up in school (learn more about it in Part 4). Anyways, I tend to think about these three guys and realized that I do still have some strong feelings for these guys. I tend to think about the "what if" with these guys since they were there for me and still are which is something that I feel proud of here. I guess I think about this too since each one of them gave me the idea of a second chance yet with each one it was different. With Justin, I was hesitant in taking that shot since someone dissuaded me from going for it (and learned that the guy had the hots for him). As such, I decided that Justin would be a friend since I don't think we'd be a good match since we're a bit too much alike. With Aaron, I know I kinda shot it down in the past since we broke up after having a fight and at that time I was just wanting to end it fully yet now I have him as a close friend who I can always count on with some wisdom and a great deal of patience. Yet it is with Bruce where I feel in a lot of ways the most amount of regret here.

I would hold this off until Part 4 or whatever part I write him in but I feel that I need to talk about him since it's important. We met online on gay.com and began to chat. We first met in person after he lost his job with WaMu and he was on the Brown Line (CTA trains for those not familiar with Chicago subway system). Well, we talked and made out on the train for a good while. It was funny though since when we got to the stop where I can transfer to the train that would take me home, I was a bit hard from that make out session. Well, I ended up heading to his place after the end of summer school and we made out amongst other things and we became a serious couple. He had a lot on his plate at that time with a new stressful job, his mom's passing and now a BF who was half the time there and the other half stressing about his family nagging (another what if here that will be addressed). After awhile, he became a bit withdrawn and as such I did something stupid and cheated on him. He found out and I did confess and we kinda broke up.

Well, fast forward to spring 2008. It was around this time that he and I have been really close and best friends. It was about this time that he kinda asked me about maybe going at it again. I wanted to go ahead and say yes but part of my fears were holding me back mainly within two spots: family and my past mistake haunting me. So I say that I would want to keep it as friends. Well, I regretted the decision I made here since he ended with a guy he's happy with now and is living with him (have met the guy and he's nice even though the guy doesn't like me for something I said one day at Bruce's birthday party as a joke). So I feel like a dummy that I let him go but I have to move on from this point on and see what happens with someone new. Still I wonder what would have happened if I did say yes to him. Would my family have been ok with me dating a guy? Would I be commuting like crazy from Kankakee to Chicago to home regularly? I can't say what would have happened since it's just a what if yet I can't help but wonder about it here.

WHAT IF #3: What if my parents knew about me being gay?
This is one that seems to haunt me a lot here since I never know what I can do here anymore. It's something that is chewing me out like crazy and is driving me nuts beyond a reasonable doubt here. Let me explain this here since it's something that I cannot go into detail without a history lesson in my life.

I came out to mom in a letter saying that I was bi and she thought it was just a phase. A few years later I came to her and told her about a romp with a guy (kept it to just heavy petting n make out even though it was more than that) and it didn't go well. It went bad too when I got arrested for trying to do it with a guy in the restroom and got arrested for almost doing something here. It only made matters worse to the point where one day she found an entry of the breakup with Aaron n she began to complain about it all with the lying I did (since I knew she was going to be doing this if she ever found out).

While mom has an idea of this stuff happening, I don't think she will ever be ready to accept the concept that I'm gay. This has been a big issue for me as to what she would say and do if she ever found out. I think to myself that she would be crying and blaming herself for what happened since she let me have friends that she didn't like or my worst fear of getting kicked out of the house and trying to find a new place to live. I know in the past I feared that she would do that and that I would be out on my own with no way of being able to finish school or even pay it and have tons of debt. In fact, I still fear that because I don't think things will be ok with us.

I am close with my mom and family yet I don't know how they would fell about that at all or even how they would handle it if also brought a guy over. So I am left to stay inside my closet with my family until the day comes when I am able to be on my own two feet and can say it to them without the fear of consequences as much.

So I wrote down my thoughts that I needed to write here about why I made that post when I did. Hope this gives people an idea as to what's going on in my head and paint some pretty pics. So I am done here for now. Take care all and catch you later.